Where to go?

tracie · Newbie Joined: 26 Nov 2007 Posts: 1

Hi,

I am in a christian marriage of 20 years and we have spiraled to no return...I want out. There is really no way now being I still have small children among other things that I dont see this being an option right now. My husband is very irresponsible and I cannot fathom leaving my little ones with him overnight so I will not leave him for fear of that. I need help from other WOMEN that may be in a particular postion to help me get though this. I would apprciate women my age range--40's...or close to that! My husband is extrememly passive and is getting worse as the years go by...I am so tired and so very stuck....Tracie

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Welcome, we're glad you have come to GT community. I appreciate you being willing to share your heart - however hard the words are and the feelings of frustration, please know it's OK to share here.

You can always ask for prayer - which I have already done for you and your marriage. You will also received honest feedback.

I'm a woman who once walked in your shoes. I was ready to give up, go see an attorney and file for divorce. I was tired of having a husband who had no desire to know God, no desire to spend time with me and the kids, and was devoted to the business we owned more than he was devoted to me.

What I discovered about myself is -
My relationship with God was also cold to lukewarm. I wasn't very close to Him either. At best, He was an afterthought to my day.

What changed? I didn't ask God to fix my husband - although that certainly was a very desirable thought Laughing

- I asked God to fix me first. To change my heart - because it had grown cold and hard. I couldn't claim to love Jesus Christ and have a cold and hardened heart at the same time. They two don't equate.

I'm sure your husband has his faults - we all do. But, have you looked at yours? Can it be a cruel tongue? Can it be a lack of respect for him? Can it be he never does anything right? Do you roll your eyes at him because of his stupidity? Do you constantly complain? Do you threaten him with divorce? I say this...because this was... me.

We are commanded to Love -

Matthew 22:26-29

“Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”

Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’

I couldn't love others (my husband) because I realized I was full of hatred, I was full of self-pity, I was full of anger, I was full of resentment and mostly... I was full of pride.

Ok, so you're fed up. What steps are you going to take to make things better? You can't fix your husband - you have to trust God to do the work in Him. Do you trust God enough to let Him handle it?

Consider counseling with your pastor or a Christian counselor. It did wonders for me. My husband eventually joined me once he saw the positive changes in me.

A few great books that have been instrumental in helping me change the course of my marriage are -

Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Ethridge
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
Power of A Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martian

Lastly, dear sister in Christ, you do not have an out. God does not give you one - you know He hates divorce.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

Tracie,

I am not a woman, but I am really sorry you are going through this. You must feel as if you are all alone with raising the children, and guiding them spiritually, and not getting any help from the person who is supposed to be your partner. Perhaps you are even supporting them financially also. You probably feel as if no one understands how the normal day-to-day activities that might be a pleasure in some families are weighing you down and feel like such a burden.

I will pray for you, Tracie.

I will also tell you, from personal experience, that a divorce is not an exit from your current pain. In most cases (unless abuse is involved) it is usually a door to different troubles. You have no idea how difficult it can be, emotionally and financially. Being a single parent with full custody is also very difficult -- I did that for about three years.

I encourage you to go to some good Christian counseling to get a different perspective on how things might change in your life and your marriage.

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