how long is too long for thoughts of the other woman?

in need of trust · Newbie Joined: 23 Mar 2007 Posts: 21

Hello. It's been awhile since I've posted. My husband had an emotional affair with another woman. I recently found out that she is still in his thoughts. It's been over a year since I've found everything out. How long is too long for these thoughts of her to still be occuring? My husband and I have been separated for awhile. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2132 Location: Chicago

Everything I have read about emotional affairs (for men) say that they are more damaging and more difficult to separate from than a physical affair. It's an affair of the heart, and many times men give of themselves differently emotionally than physically.

As for how long she will remain in his thoughts - there is no timeline you can count on. If you are working through the issues with the help of a counselor, most couples will need 2-3 years to get to a place of complete trust again. If he's telling you she's still in his thoughts - he's being very honest in not hiding this from you.

The healing process will take much longer without counseling.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 114

Out of his thoughts completely? Will she ever be completely out of your thoughts?

Eventually, the thoughts of that person fade to that of an old romance, but I don't think they ever go away. Desiring the other person is a whole other thing. If there are memories of the event, it is normal. If there are still emotions attached, it needs to be examined. If the two of you are secure enough in your relationship, you can speed things along by openly analyzing the relationship. It is a REALLY hard thing to do without hurting your partner, in either direction. That's why most people do it with the aid of a third person to give a completely neutral perspective.

One thing to consider, an affair is usually accompanied by other inappropriate behavior. Just as there are gateway drugs, there are gateway activities that take a person to the point where an affair seems justifiable. A spouse involved in porn will see less wrong with a dinner for two. The first activity desensitizes the effects of the second. Hopefully, you won't have to deal with too much of that type of thing.

webacus · Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 9:45 am Post subject:

I believe those thoughts -- and images and feelings -- will
be with him for some time.

Has he (and/ or you) been in counseling?

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