My husband left us for another woman.

Val · Newbie Joined: 24 Jul 2005 Posts: 4

My husband of 13 years left me and our two children on the 24 of June. He lied to us for a month, saying he was going camping by himself to decide if he still wanted to be married. I found out 4 days ago that when he left it was with her. Camping with her at first, then he gradually moved his things into her house. She is also married with 2 children. Her husband says their divorce will be final in December because this is the 3rd time she has had an affair with a married man. My husband told our children on the 21st of July that he chose her over them. Breaking their hearts. I am a Christian and want to stay married to him. But I don't want him back until God fixes him. And right now he wants a divorce from me and live in sin with her. Help me if you can . I don't know what to do everyone has a different opinion as to whether divorce is a greater sin than adultry. Thanks

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I look at sin as sin. We all fall short of God's standard and I believe His heart aches for us whether it is a little sin or a big one.

As for where you want to go from here, the first place I would recommend is a Christian counselor for yourself and for your children, or with a pastor at your church. This will help you all sort through your pain and feelings of abandonment.

The next question to ask yourself, is do you want to wait this out and fight the fight. Not every marriage going through this pain and deception necessarily needs to end in divorce. Although, with the adultery you are biblically justified to end your marriage.

I imagine after four to six months he will come to a point of realizing the Grass in not Greener on the other side and perhaps have some remorse, but that may not always be the case. You may feel you want to wait out this period to see what happens, then make some decisions afterward. In the meantime, you do need to seek legal advice for legal separation to protect yourself and your children with the support you will need. Three great books I would recommend are:

1) Every Heart Restored by Stephen Arterburn
2) Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson
3) The Green Grass Syndrome by Nancy Anderson

You mention you are a Christian, but did not mention if your husband is. Perhaps, he had some connection to another Christian man who could help talk to him in truth?

I pray for your family and a layer of protection and direction for you. Let us know how things are going.

Val · Newbie Joined: 24 Jul 2005 Posts: 4

I'm sorry I didn't explain a lot of what has been happening this last month. Yes he said he is a Christian. But my question then would be doesn't he feel the guilt of the sin if that is the case? Or has he turned his back on God too? These are just a couple of the questions I've been pondering.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Ok, let's talk about the definition of a Christian. He said he is a Christian, but what does that really mean? Was there ever a defining moment of brokeness, asking for forgiveness of sins and for Christ to be the leader of his life? If we are connected to the vine (Christ), then we should be bearing fruit. If there is no fruit, then we need to check our connection to the vine.

It's very possible that there never was a true heart decision involved in becoming a Christian. We can believe in God all we want, but there is a step a lot of people miss and that is "Accepting" or "Receiving" Christ as our savior.

So what did he define as being a Christian? It's possible he never was one. At the same time, we all fall into sin every day. Some of us have more remorse than others and can justify our sin all we want.

Val · Newbie Joined: 24 Jul 2005 Posts: 4

What he told me before we got married was that he had accepted Christ as his Savior when he was about 12, he had been attending the Nazarine church. We were married in 1992. Then we had a lot of tragic things happen. 12 deaths with the worst ones being our unborn child in 1991, his father in 2001 and my mother in 2004. In 2000 he started acting odd. He was infatuated with another woman then but nothing came of it. Or so he says. then every summer after that he has left us in one way or another. Until 2003 in October he attended a DeColores weekend. He recommitted his life to Christ that weekend. When he came back he was all about making our marriage work. Or so he said. I thought he was honest with me until this happened. So Christian or not apparently he has hardened his heart and comitted adultry against God first and me second. And now all I can do is pray for his repentence to God first, and if God wills, me second. I appreciate all the prayers like this one that God receives. Thanks. Val

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Val · Newbie Joined: 24 Jul 2005 Posts: 4

Thanks for your input. I have been blind for so long and when I prayed for God to open my eyes he really came through. If all of you will to continue to pray, May his soul at least be saved if not our marriage. Val

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Prayer for you and your family is the easy part. Being in your shoes is not, but we can be here for support.

faithhope33 · Newbie Joined: 29 Jul 2005 Posts: 5 Location: Georgia

I am new at this> I will pray for you and your family and in hope that God will open your husbands eyes and let him see that his family is an important part of his life. May god bless you and your children through this. I will pray that god will give you peace also. bless you

lilybet · Newbie Joined: 02 Aug 2005 Posts: 1

Dear Val,

I saw your posting and my heart just broke for you and your children. I really want to offer you all my support and prayers at this terribly difficult time.

My situation is practically identical to yours, even down to your husband "choosing" this woman over you and the children, my husbands words were the same. He left me last November and has just today (Aug 2nd) flown off to spain with her and her daughter. Me and my 3 children seem forgotten.

I am still devastated and trying to prayerfully discover Gods will in the situation.

Please write or email me if you need a friend to talk to.

God Bless

Liz xx

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

We all need to pray for each others marriages to be covered in a layer of protection by God. So many marriages are under attack at a frightening level.

forhispurpose · Newbie Joined: 01 Aug 2005 Posts: 13 Location: Florida

Hi Val,

After reading your story, it brought back many painful memories that I had once experienced. Betrayal, confusion, Not caring, the feeling of wanting to give up and then of course the waiting. Waiting to see how the story was going to end.

I want to share something with you.. a sermon that I heard a few weeks ago. My pastor said that "We Serve a God That Is Not Fair but God is Just". He further went on to explain that "If God was fair, we would have the same testimony, same trials and same victories." Let me tell you, God is a just God. Although your family seems to be falling apart, God is breaking you to make you stronger and preparing you for something great in your life. God did not say follow me and everything will be perfect. God says trust me, obey me and have faith that I will see you through. Consider this a test of your faith. Read the book of Job and you'll see that even the most faithful of servants go through trials and tribulations.

Consider this time that God has remove your husband to deal with you, whether it be temporarily or permenant in order to draw you closer to him. Just imagine two possible scenarios:
1st imagine that God does "fix" your husband and when you all get back together, what a great testimony you will have to share with others who may be experiencing what you have experienced. 2ndly, imagine God removing your husband from your life but in due season he brings the man of God in your life that fills your heart with the kind of Godly love you deserve and need and fears HIM.

Sometimes God has to pull up weeds in our life in order to continue to bear fruit. It's a harsh reality, but its true. In each scenario that I've stated above, rely on God to direct your path, the road WILL NOT be easy, but if HE told you exactly what you would have to go through..all the pain, all the depression..etc..would you keep on going? This is a time to renew your strength in the Lord and let God be your provider, your husband, your comforter. This is walking by faith and not by sight.

God has blessed you. Look at the Luke 22:17-20. My pastor drew a parallel where we are the Body of Christ, the bread. At the last supper God blessed the bread. That's what he does to us. Then in the following verse he broke the bread. Now I want you to remember this, although God broke the bread, he kept one portion of it. When God breaks us, He still keeps us. We really find a love for God in the most vunerable and humble of circumstances in our lives. God uses hurting people to heal hurting people. You will be used by God through this experience. Lastly, if you trust in the Lord and acknowledge Him in all that you do, he will BLESS YOU. Live your life through the Spirit like you never have before. Romans 8:1-5 and 35-39. Get into your prayer closet and seek his face over your life and your circumstances. Remember God is Just and justice in your life will be served, by remaining faithful to His word.Stay encourage. I love you awesome woman of God.

forhispurpose · Newbie Joined: 01 Aug 2005 Posts: 13 Location: Florida

Val,

I'm checking in on you and seeing how you are coping? My heart and my prayers go out to you.

Was reading and came across this first and wanted to encourage you....God wants to bring that intimacy back so you can walk with him.

Then my boyfriend showed this from "The Purpsoe Drive Life" by Rick Warren....

"God is real, no matter how you feel.

It is easy to worship God when things are going great in your life- when he has provided food, friends, family, health and happy situations. But circumstances are not always pleasant. How do you worship God then? What do you do when God seems a million miles away?

The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking God during a trial, trusting him when tempted, surrendering while suffering, and loving him when he seems distant. Friendships are often tested by separation and silence; you are divided by physical distance or you are unable to talk. In you friendship with God, you won't always feel close to him." PG 107 ...."To mature your friendship, God will test it with periods of seeming separation- times when it feels as if he has abandoned or forgotten you. God feels a million miles away." PG 108

But Val, I am here to tell you that he is always THERE and he will carry you through this and you will come out VICTORIOUSLY!

Love,
forHISPurpose

Peace · Newbie Joined: 11 Dec 2007 Posts: 4

Val, I am new to this forum. I can relate to your situation since my husband left me a month ago, but it was not for another woman, it was for his 19 year daughter from his previous marriage. He loves his daughter tremendously, to the point of being obsessed with her. She is very rude and he does not like anyone to say anything to her or about her
She came to our home and was very disrespectful to me, so I advised that I was not going to allow her to come to my home and be disrespect me. She called her father on his cell phone since he was not at home at the time and I believe told him her side of the story. Whatever she told him, he believed her and instead of discussing the situation with me as his wife, he decided to go behind my back and rented an apartment for him and his daughter and has been living with her for the past month. I came home from work one evening and there was a newspaper on my dinning room table opened to the aparment rental page and a few apartments highlighted, then a few days later I came home and a few of his clothes were missing from the house and then he started sleeping out. After a few nights went by and he did not come home, I called him to ask him what was going on and that is when he told me that he has to stay with his daughter because we are not getting along and he cannot leave her in an apartment by herself. What is getting me through this tough time is the fact that I thank God every day for my mother who taught us to pray. So I just surrender my marriage to God and ask him to have his way. There is a saying that there is no situation,circumstance or problem greater than God and I believe that God changes people and I just ask him everyday to change my husband and let him see that what he is doing is wrong. So just hang on to God's words, put your battle in his hands and with him your battle has already been won, and it is better to trust in God than to put your confidence in man.

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