How do I get rid of memories after an "affair"?

paulus78 · Newbie Joined: 19 Apr 2007 Posts: 7

My wife had an emotional affair (via emails) with an old friend of hers from college. After confronting her, she immediateley sent an email to this friend upon my demand/request and broke off contants with him, though she still maintains close contact with his cousin, who is her very good friend.

We went for counseling and I believe that the affair won't happen again. The problem is with me now. The memories of what happened keep on tormenting me daily and I want to get rid of it. I occasionally bring it up in discussions, and I feel guilty of reminding my wife of what happened.

We attend a very good church and have been helped greatly by the sermons. We all want to put this behind us and move on. What can I do to remove the photographic images from my memory?

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 315 Location: In Prayer

Simply ask God to remove them.

You could pray a simple prayer such as -
"Lord, remove these thoughts from me now." Or, "Lord, take the burden of these memories from me."

Say it to Him as often as you need to. 20 times a day if necessary.
I believe He is capable of helping you. Trust Him to do so.

paulus78 · Newbie Joined: 19 Apr 2007 Posts: 7

I've been doing that daily and I believe that He will, or has already done it. I wanted to know if there is anything I could personally do to help my situation. Thanks

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2163 Location: Chicago

If you're still having these images, then God hasn't removed this from you yet.

If you've been through counseling and things still aren't better for you, maybe going for a tune-up ( a few sessions may help).

Ask other trusted Christian friends or your pastor to pray for you on this matter specifically.

There is a book that is great called Every Heart Restored by Stephen Arterburn. It is written more for women who have a husband who has been unfaithful, but there is a great chapter in the book solely on the healing process for emotional affairs. He's written one called Every Man's Marriage that might be helpful to you too.

A support group? Which may be hard because I don't know that many guys who want to admit their wives have had an affair.

Other than what Babycakes suggested - prayer. I can't think of anything else.

I know there are other guys here on the boards... have any of you had similar circumstances that you can share?

webacus · Posted: Wed May 16, 2007 7:26 am Post subject:

paulus

Do you have any close "guy" relationships?
Or are you in a men's group?

I think going deep with this and getting another guy's
perspective would help.

Empty Shell of a Man · Junior Member Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 29

she needs to have no close male friends....period. you are her only close male friend. by staying close to his cousin, she is keeping the door open....

pray, pray pray. We have a friend in Christ.....he can lessen the sting....give it time and prayer. Finding someone you trust to talk to will help.....

allboys · Newbie Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 1

As a wife who has been through the exact same thing, I wholeheartedly agree with the other people who have given advice. As soon as a thought would enter my mind, I would say, "in the name of Jesus Christ, get out of my head!" It may sound silly, but it worked. I will tell you that this will take time (up to a year, even), and it will be a daily, even minute by minute thing to have to deal with.

I also know that my church's men's group really helped my husband. He became closely involved with all the men, especially the leader, one of the pastors at our church. I know it's hard, but try not to keep asking questions, or bringing the affair up. One thing I told my husband was that I was sorry to keep talking about it, but I need questions answered, and for him to be patient with me and to answer any questions I had. I know it frustrated him, but when you put it that way, it seems gentler. He did answer all my questions, and now, a year and a half later, I can honestly say that because of what we've overcome, we are a stronger couple...with God, and each other.

God WILL get you through this, my brother in Christ, and I have already started praying for you.

lostone · Newbie Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 10

Paulus:

You need your wife's help to get over this. Prayer along is not going to do it. My wife had an affair too, maybe more than one, and it eats at me every day. We have not reconciled yet, living apart, but praying for God to help restore our marriage. If we are to get back together, it will require her to be there for me and help get us through. Tell your wife you need her help and you need to know and be told that she loves you. Without that, you're always gong to be wondering about the other guy. Don't be afraid to talk to her openly about your feelings because she needs to know how you feel.

PE1215 · Newbie Joined: 01 Feb 2006 Posts: 2

I agree in giving these thoughts back to God and praying but feel it is also important to replace negative thoughts with positive, uplifting thoughts about your wife. Make up a list of things that affirm your wife and acknowledge the good aspects of your relationship so you have a quick referral list. When a negative thought rears its ugly head, replace it with a positive, affirming thought about your wife. Don't let Satan gain inroads into your life and your marriage.

rockingrandma · Newbie Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 1

After 38 years of marriage, my husband found a friend with a female he worked with. I asked him to discontinue the correspondence by email and telephone and he said he would. I just found out that he called her a few weeks ago after we agreed that he would not contact her again. He says he felt it was the right thing to do to let her know that I was feeling uneasy with his friendship with her. This is very new to me and the memories you are discussing are very sharp and hurtful. My husband has explained he enjoyed a fresh friendship with this woman and that is all. Why do I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach if that is all? I can't imagine going through this process of healing for a year. I do not have any friend to talk to (I thought my husband was my friend) nor anyone at church. I feel completely alone. I didn't have a name for his relationship with this women, but an emotional affair really hit it on the head. I will continue with your suggestions posted previous.

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