What does this behavior mean and how should I react?

LynneE · Newbie Joined: 18 Nov 2007 Posts: 7

Back again. Please share any and all scriptures that come to mind as you read this.

Today was very odd. My husband and I had a very serious discussion last night about the two of us not being compatable and he told me to call a lawyer. An hour or so later, after stomping around the house in anger, he came out of the bedroom and acted as though nothing had happened. As a matter of fact, he asked me to cuddle with him in front of the tv after Sarah went to sleep.

This morning he was stomping around again and moving things around briskly and loudly to make sure that I was aware he was angry. Then he inquired in a manner and voice that was anything but persuasive that we needed to get together with his parents to talk about things so that others would not feel uncomfortable (such as the daughter-in-law who has not been the least bit secretive about her disdain for the parents) for Thanksgiving.

This flip flopping of emotion/anger has been going on for years. The results have always been that he plays all nice until I'm no longer angry then HE gets to be angry, though I have never failed to notice and bring this oscillation to his attention. Why am I not allowed to be angry? Why is it seemingly his right alone? Is there something I am missing about this very manipulative process? Am I simply wrong for being angry in the first place? How do I know when sticking up for myself is the right thing to do (ie.. not enabling) and when I am not being Christian in behavior? I would like to break our destructive behaviors and I think that with prayer and proper guidance I can stop mine, but I can't make him stop unless he wants to. It takes two to make or break a marriage.

Beyond all of this mind-boggling game playing (in my opinion, but I am obviously playing too) I wrote him a very long email detailing my view of what had taken place in the previous 24 hours, including my own mistakes) and he turned around completely. He came home early, was amazingly sweet, and complimented me and my email saying that he wished that computer programmers (he is in soft ware engineer management) could communicate as well. All of this is well and good but tomorrow he'll be mad again.

This is so difficult to deal with. I think that I need advice on coping skills because I am pretty certain that the behavior is not fixable, he truly won't recall the flip flops. He compartmentalizes better than anyone I know, though I have noticed his is often very onesided and, if I may say so, self-serving. His Mom does exactly the same thing and has no concept of what she is doing. Her perpetual swings of analysis and reaction are not malicious and do not serve her well, meaning not self-serving just confounding. My husband obviously came by this naturally and improved the "skill" to a degree. I can accept that if I know that I will be able to bring him to his senses. My fear his that he will eventually use this as an excuse to do something unforgivable, as he had a tendency to do for the first 4+ years of dating. (Yes, I broke up with him and told him to try dating other women but the more I told him that the more he wanted ME, when all I was looking for was a partner to be happy with. Although, I obviously did not follow through as needed.)

I am praying like mad, perhaps harder than ever before in my life. I think that it is very fruitful: I found this site, a church location closer to my home that has a bible and a women's study, they also have a volunteer "network" which is something I really enjoy, most of all I am finding more peace from within myself to deal with some of the more minor concerns I have. Sharing my feelings with you and through prayer with the Lord seems to be turning me around, if not my marriage. If I can keep moving forward in faith, perhaps my marriage can move forward as a result... thru the changes brought about in me.

Scriptures and advice (even the painful sort) are very welcome! THX

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2164 Location: Chicago

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2164 Location: Chicago

Matthew 7:24 -

Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won't collapse because it is built on bedrock (Jesus Christ). But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn't obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rain and floods come and the winds beart against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.

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