How to deal with divorce?

CJsMom · Newbie Joined: 07 Aug 2006 Posts: 8

I am so emotional right now with the prospect of divorce, I dont know how I am going to handle it. I know God will bring me through, but how am I going to do this?
My hubby finally admitted after months and months that he had an affair. once he finally confessed to me and one of his brothers in Christ, he felt like he was clear to confess everything to me. This is so hard to handle and I can barely wrap my head around it. He told me he manipulated me into loving him, he did or said whatever he had to for me love him. He seemed perfect to me. He was everything I ever wanted. But I did notice things that didn't line up but unfortanetely we rushed into the marriage. It has been terrible, he has been living a lie the ENTIRE time. He lies about everything and I mean everything. He told me his last 4 relationships were all him manipulating the women. He has finally realized what he is doing and is broken about it. He does not love me because we never had the chance to really love eachother, he was just trying to not be alone and I fell in love with the perfect image he portrayed. I am going to go forward with a divorce because I feel there was no marriage to begin with. I have been completely decieved. How can I get through this? How can I ever trust again? I think back over the 2 years and realize that I know nothing true about him, its so sad. If it was just the affair and we really had a relationship I would be working towards reconciliation, but its a web of deception that I dont feel I need to be in anymore. The other hard thing is I feel so bad for him, I still care for him but the more and more I think about it the harder it is.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

CJsMom · Newbie Joined: 07 Aug 2006 Posts: 8

I have definately been considering everything. I by no means think divorce is easy or want that but he has told me it was all a lie. Everything was just him manipulating me because he didn't want to be alone. The other relationships, he said the girls all broke up with him so he just kept going because I never ended it. I have felt for atleast the last year that I never should have married him, but I was not going to leave and never considered it. We realized we have nothing in common, not really exaggerating, we really have very little in common, our personalities clash...
He married me while he was in love with another girl, he has kept in contact with her, he lied about his past.. I can't begin to tell you all the lies. Its really not real. He has realized what he has done and he realizes he needs to rebuild his relationship with God and work through all this deception, he has been like this is whole life since this is how he would deal with his dad.

We are taking time to think about it, but has he has had a sexual affair, emotional affair, struggles with porn, is a womanizer, among other things, I dont feel that at this point I should put myself back into the relationship. I am praying and hoping to hear from God. I have sought counsel from other believers and I am trying to get hooked up with a Christian Counselor.

He knows now that we never would have married if he hadnt manipulated me. So he wants to separate/divorce, work on himself, then in the future we could be a possibility, but I dont really think either of us see that.
I am scared and hesitant because of the uncertain future, being alone, etc. I will definately be open to what God wants and seek His will. We are giving eachother two weeks to really let all this soak and in and collect our thoughts before we do anything.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

Oh, there's always more to the story and this is a no good rotten, lying, cheating man - but...

God may have other plans... which is what I was trying to get you to consider.

And, He is a God of do-overs and He's the one who sees your husband's heart.

Have peace, find peace, seek peace... from Him.
Search for wisdom and understanding...from Him.
Our Lord will provide it, we need only ask.

And... there was something that you fell in love with. Something, a tiny glimmer of that man is underneath the facade.

webacus · Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2007 2:15 pm Post subject:

CJsMom · Newbie Joined: 07 Aug 2006 Posts: 8

My hubby is the one rushing the divorce. He is checked out. He is in love with someone else, he doesn't love me and he never did.
This isn't a normal situation. If it was only an affair but he was turning from that and wanted to be with me i would be ready for that. This situation is so messed up, I can barely even wrap my head around the fact that it was all a lie.

He was never the man I thought he was, that I fell in love with, thats whats so crazy. There really was never anything true. As far as divorce, other than making the process hard for him, I dont have a choice. He is not giving me an option here.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

I went through this same scenario last year. I am still married and will be, the rest of my life to the checked out man. God worked a miracle. Miracles still do happen. For us, we can point to fifteen minutes on a specific date and time.

Grace made the difference. God gave me Grace. I used his example to shed Grace in our marriage. It stopped the proceedings right in the track.

He told me that he had never really loved me the way that he should have, to have been married to me for nineteen years. He was filing for divorce and wouldn't give the relationship even the six months I had asked for. He was planning a new life with someone else, so that he could be happy.

The things that your husband has told you are lies that he intends to make you feel better. The manipulation is happening now...You will be better off without me, because I never loved you and you deserve someone who can love you. Satan is getting a full joy ride on this one.

Would it be hellish to put this back together? Yes, but it can happen. Why would you do that to yourself? God intended for you to be of one flesh. (Genesis 2:24 and Ephesians 5:30-32) Love is not selfish and you admit to loving him. Love is never self seeking. (I Corinthians 13) Jesus talked very clearly about Adultery and Divorce in Matthew chapter 5. But I also noticed that a few verses down he talks about not seeking revenge and loving our enemies and yes, that even means the other woman. (Matthew 5:38-48) Jesus asked us to be perfect as our heavenly father God is perfect. Lastly, we are commanded to forgive, time and time again. (Matthew 18:21-35)

Whatever you choose to do, proclaim it to your husband and then with prayer proclaim it to God. (Matthew 18: 15-19)

My prayer for you is peace.

CJsMom · Newbie Joined: 07 Aug 2006 Posts: 8

Greenwidow,
Thank you for sharing your story. I think too that some of the things he says are lies or trying to make me feel better. But I do know that he is not at all the person I thought he was. Its not even that I feel in love with him and he changed, he was never the man he pretended to be. If God changed his heart I would be willing to stay with him. I know that its true that he was manipulating me, I can see all the cracks in everything he said and did. Unfortunately I didn't stop it when I had the chance. He is also not attracted to me, I think thats because he is comparing me to the one he loves. He has some MAJOR issues. I hate divorce and never saw myself ever being in this situation, but its really not up to me. i will let God work a miracle or thank Him that I didn't waste more years of my life with this man.

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