Is it time for separation?

ARMV · Newbie Joined: 15 Oct 2007 Posts: 2

To make a really long story short...We are going to counseling at church. We've been married for 2.5 yr (we have a 2 year old son) but the problems have been there before we met. I come from abusive dad, mom was sex.abused as a child. My husband has had anger issues since childhood, including verbal carelessness and physical fighting.

Through my growing relationship with the Lord I have matured out of my passive, co-dependant shell, feeling more confident and loved everyday. My husband has also grown in the Lord, but struggles with admittance and control of anger and abusive tendencies. We are at a point where the weight and destruction of abuse is turning my world upside down. I am in rage, I constantly have to walk on eggshells to avoid a potential argument which I may need to take responsibility/blame for.

I have been physically hit by my husband before and during our marriage and in front of our child. I do blame myself at times and so does he. He believes I deserved it since I pushed his buttons. He hasn't hit me in awhile.

Verbal abuse- same. He takes no responsibility and says it takes two people to fight. He's like a loaded gun waiting to go off. He bullies, dominates, and is a "loose-cannon" with his mouth.

I hate to admit it but my love for my husband is at minimum. We aren’t even friends. I do not like being around him. I sigh with relief to wake up and know he is not at home. I cringe at the thought of him returning. Is this any way to live life? It reminds me of when I was a child. I felt this with my dad.

I constantly struggle to forgive and keep from becoming bitter. I can’t imagine my son being treated the way I have allowed him to treat me. I don’t want to be like my mom and stay with an abuser, not stand up for myself, waste my life and every bit if energy to live each day in a phony marriage. God intended more than in life and marriage than just survival. My life is always in survival mode. No deep joy and content. The stress is so hard to ignore. I feel I live a lie, like I’m “playing house” because that’s what a good wife would do. But I am not so sure that’s really what a good wife should do.

I admit my problems, I work on them, I pray for my help and for him. I really try to remain in control of my self and using calm words and barriers to prevent the abuse. But I really cannot take this anymore. I am trying to put emotion aside. He is not working to resolve his issues. He is not improving. Yes, maybe for a day, but he backslides at any excuse.
Rationally, I want to stay married and believe divorce is wrong and to be avoided at all costs. But I believe we need to separate for awhile. A time long enough for my husband to get help or atleast realize why I don't want to be near him.

I am so hopeless. I feel that the physical abuse may return if I tell him I want to go. He doesn’t respect the reasons I am upset. Everytime we discuss the idea of leaving, he rants about divorce and of course the flowing verbal abuse. We have one car. No friends, no relatives within 1000 miles. I have no job or money. And what about my son? I am taking him with me- but the sorrow to think he will be crying about his daddy just makes it harder. Fortunately he has been good to my son- maybe since there are no reasons to blame him…yet. He can be harsh in his speech to him. Loud, short, and sharp.

Any comments, prayers, or suggestions would be appreciates. My mind feels blank and tired after spending the day researching for help on the internet. Counseling is Tuesday. We are both going. I really wish that he would just make an effort to change. Only he can do it.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

I would make an appointment to meet with your pastor on your own.
Let him know that the verbal abuse is still taking place and that you fear for your safety and that of your child that you need to separate. You are walking on eggshells and feel there it little to no change in your husband to improve his abuse. You need a place to stay and hope a family may be able to take you and your child in. And, that you need his help to develop a plan for separation and reconciliation.

It's no wonder your feelings have died with physical, emotional and verbal abuse. However, love is not a feeling - it is a choice. At no time have you deserved this - ever. But, God is capable of changing your husband - your husband needs to be willing to do the work. He is capable of restoring your love. But, the abuse also has to end before this will ever take place.

If he is not willing - then it is important to break the cycle of brokenness before it is passed on to your son.

When physical and verbal abuse is occuring, you are not in the wrong to remove yourself from the situation for your safety and the safety of your child.

However, it is really important to have a plan for separation. And, your pastor could help you negotiate this out with your husband. Otherwise, separation is usually a precursor to divorce without a plan.

Here's some information that's been posted on Growthtrac in the past -

Sometimes therapists refer to Structured Separation. The idea is you both define “rules” for your time apart.
I am not a fan of separation; often it is just practice for divorce. Of course in cases of violence or abuse,
plan or no plan — you should to get away quickly.

If that is the case, please visit these messages:
http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=835
http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=681

The risks of separation are great. It should be used only as a last resort to help resolve a fatal flaw in marriage.
Once separated, couples often never do reconcile, remaining separated for life, or they eventually divorce.
It is recommended that a plan be developed that moves you toward eventual reconciliation.

If separation is to be effective as a tool to restore the marriage, rules need to be established.

For starters, a structured, written covenant answering the questions below, is suggested:

• What’s the goal for your separation?”
• How long will the separation last?
• Counseling: Together? Individually? How long? Goals?
• What issues/problems do you plan on addressing during the separation?
• Which issues will wait until you are both under the same roof again?
• How often will you see one another?
• What about phone calls? Emails?
• What is the plan for the one who moved out to see the children?
• What are you telling people/extended family about the separation?
• Are you planning on having sex while you’re separated?
• How will you know it’s time to move back in?

Then, before a separation ends, you should negotiate an agreement for when you move back together that describes acceptable and unacceptable behavior. As Dr. Harley describes it, "Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse" in his Policy of Joint Agreement.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

ARMV · Newbie Joined: 15 Oct 2007 Posts: 2

Thanks for te encouragement and information. I will definitely meet with my pastor and find a safe place to discuss this seperation with my husband. I will do so i nthe presence of the counselor because I fear he will overreact and become extreme and violent. Thanks again!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

You and the counselor/pastor need to layout a plan together. And, if you do plan to leave for a time, then you must have someone in the house with you - preferably several people who will help you pack your things and help you leave. You do not want to leave while being there alone with the opportunity for your husband to go into a fit of anger.

From a legal standpoint, it may be beneficial to meet with an attorney and layout a legal separation agreement. With this in place, he will be obligated to provide support to you and your child while you are separated.

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