Connecting with Step Child

tamm32 · Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 2:26 pm Post subject: Connecting with Step Child

My step child and I have had our share of ups and downs....more downs than ups actually! Yet I have found a little strength to stay the course and to hang in there. We have an okay relationship but I have lost interest in connecting emotionally. We talk, chat, laugh, etc but I just cant seem to connect on an emotional level. Basically I do what needs to be done, no more, no less. Am I wrong for not wanting to connect emotionally?

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 334 Location: NJ

I can only offer an opinion -- I don't think you're wrong. I have been a step father for 3.5 years and still do not feel a strong emotional attachment with my two step children. We make gradual steps, but it takes a long time. I especially struggle with my step daughter. My wife and I believe that because she is very close to her natural father, she may feel as if she is betraying him if she lets me in to any degree.

But it sounds as if your heart is in the right place. Keep praying about it. You cannot force this to happen. Also, in your other post, you had said that this child is very manipulative. It will be hard for you to really connect until that behavior changes. It could very well be that he/she is not even ready to accept you emotionally.

My oldest son is like that towards my wife (his step mother). He is just unable to form any kind of bond with her, or with most other people. My next son has fared much better with my wife and their relationship has slowly improved and warmed up.

tamm32 · Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:46 pm Post subject:

I am still having issues about connecting with my step daughter. In the past we have had our ups and downs as every step family does but things are much better now yet I am still struggling with connecting with her. I have this thick wall up between she and I....I dont like her to be in my space too much...esp when I need my personal time. I tend to wonder if I would be this way if it were my own daughter and my thoughts about that is no... She's no longer manipulative...well in some ways... she's manipulative to try and get me to connect with her more. But I just cant seem to do it. I do things with and for her. I act as her step mom but I just cant not connect with her. I dont know if its that I dont want to or that the wall is just too thick and needs to be broken. I have been encouraging her to gain a relationship with her mom but she wont. I guess I feel as tho this would take the pressure off of me. My husband and I have a child so she sees me interacting with him all the time....I can see where she trys to pull my attention toward her.... I give her attention but its the least little bit.... I just cant connect with her. In some ways I feel bad about it but in other ways I feel like this is just the way it is. I'm not mean to her...I take care of her, love her...just cant connect emotionally with her.

Your thoughts?

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 334 Location: NJ

I'm sorry to hear that you are still having trouble connecting. I don't have any great advice for you at this point except to keep praying about it and also consider getting some Christian counseling to help get you focused in the right direction.

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