My Husband's business female"friend"..her email, what should

postnotes · Newbie Joined: 29 Sep 2007 Posts: 4

Well, not really sure where to start with all this? without going into to much detail.
But my husband and a women, who is a business college/"friend" that he has bought investment properties with, (with my knowledge), has said some things to him over the phone ( she lives in another town 3hrs away ) that I did not care for, basically my radar went up. ...so anyways I would like to have you view this email she sent and give me some feed back, as to what is "really" happening and what my thoughts/position on this should be.
I must say that My husband sent this to me, as I asked all conversation be kept to email and that they are forwarded to me.
He and she has stated that they are only business colleges with a friend aspect to it..... do you all think so??
(names have been deleted)

Hi (Husband's Name),

A good friend is hard to find, harder to leave

and impossible to forget!

....you know when you find a friend that really cares, you

shouldn't let them go, ... not sure if you feel the same way.

..Please don't treat me the way you are (Husband's Name),

I know in your heart you are a good person, I honesty do believe that. God has given you a heart of compassion, .. but you choose whether to open or close it.

"It's the risks in life that you don't take, that you will regret someday"

It's been another month since my last e-mail, and I'm not sure what you want me me to do yet with the properties. I think we need to talk or get together to straighten some things out ...... what do you think?

Please let me know, it would be good to hear from you.

Take care (Husband's Name), .. and have a Great Day,

(Her Name)

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 315 Location: In Prayer

Sorry,
This is hard to figure out, since it does not post in color.

The fact that your husband sent this to you, to read, is admirable. Kuddos to him for following through on what he said he will do.

I would go to your husband and let him know that this e-mail had made you very uncomfortable. If he were to say - "you are overreacting" or "you are reading too much into this" -

Then ask him how he would feel if you received a similar e-mail from a "man" friend or business associate.

Your husband sounds like he has established good boundaries. She may be the one who is crossing over them.

Our "radar" goes up for a reason. The Holy Spirit is our guide.

Let Him guide you in how you approach this with your husband. Do not be accusatory. But go to him with "your" feelings about the situation and how uncomfortable it makes "you".

webacus · Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:33 pm Post subject:

Welcome
Personally, I think they're crossing a line.
Doesn't sound like "business" to me.

Hard to tell who's saying what ...
Who initiated the conversation?

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 114

My feelings...would be...sell those houses or your interest in them.

There is an implied investment, not only in the houses, but in the person. While I have had friends of the opposite sex, I would have considered it highly inappopriate to send or receive such a note. I know exactly where the boundaries are...and I don't cross them.

Give your husband a hug for sending the emails to you and letting you know exactly what is going on. Depending on how the properties were bought, putting his share in your name would immediately set the stage for the next act. My bet is that there wouldn't be a "business" relationship, if you were the partner and the properties would be eliminated immediately.

Is there part of this note missing or did she just use unusual spacing?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2162 Location: Chicago

Amen, Greenwidow.

That's great insight! I would have to agree.

What may have once been a business relationship, is bordering on something more. And, while it appears your husband may be trying to be on the up and up (otherwise, he wouldn't have forwarded this e-mail) -
she is definitely not.

I agree - talk with an attorney. If possible, have your husband sign his rights in the properties over to you. Then her business dealings are no longer with him, but with you.

Otherwise, consider selling the properties.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 391 Location: NJ

It's hard to figure out what is going on because we do not have the full context. To me, the most confusing and telling line in the e-mail is:

postnotes · Newbie Joined: 29 Sep 2007 Posts: 4

To answer some of your questions;

The spacing?, couldn’t tell you, that’s the way the email was forwarded to me, so I just copied and paste.

Yes it is admirable that my husband followed through and has sent these to me, but it was under great duress from him that he did. Although I think he now can see my feeling that based on some of the things he told me she said on the phone, my feelings were just.

I did ask him how he would feel if I received or sent this kind of an email to someone how he would feel? He did not answer right away and then brushed it off and we did not talk about this email again.

As far a boundaries go, well I think he did not have many, "after all there was nothing physical going on" (quote from him) So I got the book of "Hedges" for him and as far as I know he hasn’t read through it. But I think he now is getting it based on some of the emails she has sent.

The emails started because after my questioning some of the things he told me she said on the phone, like her inviting him on a trip to another country. I said this is not right and there is something very wrong here. It took him a while to get what I meant, but finally agreed and sent her an email saying all correspondence be kept to email as "he" felt uncomfortable with her "invite" on a trip. So he initiated the conversation via email that all contact is only through email and not over the phone. So she now emails and sends this email and a few others that say things like the one above and very little about dealing with the properties(in my opinion), but makes it very clear she cant deal with the properties unless he communicates with her, as well as making rude comments about me. Just a note; my husband says nothing to me about her comments toward me.We don’t really talk about the emails.

So I wonder, am I just making something out of some business conversations with a few personal comments in their phone calls?

They have been "friends" for a year and a half and had talked on the phone often.

I did suggest that maybe I would deal with the properties with her and he did not want that so now we are trying to be paid out, but she is making it very difficult. Therefore we have now got lawyers involved.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 391 Location: NJ

Based on what you added, I definitely think that a complete end to the business deal and the "friendship" is the right course of action.

Also, because your husband does not seem to quite comprehend why this was wrong, I suggest that he (individually) and you (as a couple) should consider some counseling.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 114

You are not making a mountain out of a mole hill.

If you want him to get the idea, quick...Ask him to change her name to BOB at the end of the emails. A guy who was his friend wouldn't write in this way. A male friend wouldn't beg for his special attention.

He has gotten a lot out of this relationship, even if there has been nothing physical. This woman has connected to him on different level than you have. She has stroked his ego in ways that he likes. He communicates with her differently. There are no arguments, no dirty socks or a sink full of dishes in their world together. It's hard to leave that friendship behind. For a woman, all those same things add up to something else.

The men that I count as my closest friends are my husband and my brother. With them, I would talk about almost anything. The guys that are next closest to me are people that I only see in a circle of friends, during the summer. I email them sometimes, but it is always in a very professional manner. The only time we are more informal is when the friends are together. It's great to be able to connect to someone of the opposite sex without ties of an intimate relationship, but it is very hard to keep it that way.

Someone very close to me started a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that was on the up and up for nearly eight months. In one evening, there was an invitation and an acceptance that changed their lives and everyone connected to them, forever. The invitation would have been very easy to have turned down from a stranger. It would have even been considered rude. From a friend, it was overwhelmingly, powerful.

It's okay to be friends. There must be boundaries. They are internalized. Ask your husband what his boundaries are.

postnotes · Newbie Joined: 29 Sep 2007 Posts: 4

Thank you for your opinions, it helps to straighten out my head with my feelings and that I am not crazy or “just making something out of nothing”(a quote from my husband).
I will bring up the idea of counselling to him, for himself and for us.
This is the other part that I don’t get as I have a male friend that has been around us, and us as a family, he has been to our boys football game, soccer games etc and has been to our get togethers with friends and family. Therefore I feel my husband should know what a “friend” relationship is with the opposite sex
So I think you are right on when you say.

It's okay to be friends. There must be boundaries. They are internalized. Ask your husband what his boundaries are.

I will initiate this conversation. I have also asked him to call her with my being present when he does to tell her; that’s it no more emails or any connection of any kind. He did( after a lot of thought ) agreed to call her by: blocking his number and calling her on her cell later at night so he most likely will get her voice mail and leave a message regarding this. I’m not in full agreement on that, but asked for time to think about it and then….guess what arrives via email.
(just an added note; he mentioned in an email he sent that he was confused and uncomfortable about her invite on a trip)(please see my email above)( I guess he has now shut off his “automatic rec” of emails that are delivered)

Hi (Husbands Name), .... you said your confused about
somethings, so am I . I think we need to talk, so we can both have a better understanding, cause you don't seem to want to do it by e-mail.

If you want me out of your life or not, we both need to understand
somethings ourselves. I also need to understand somethings for myself, before I can move on. (I hope you can understand)

It will only take a few minutes of your time to talk. By not talking to me is only dragging this on, ... is that what you want?

(Her Name)

The last two e-mails, I had requested a read
reciept, it is only common courtesy to click yes on your behalf.

I value your insight on this so,
Do you think I am wrong or unjust in asking him to call her?, because I feel she just won’t stop until he verbalizes this to her.
Do you think I should,
Forget about him calling?
Have him call and leave a message? or
To have him speak to her personally?

in need of trust · Newbie Joined: 23 Mar 2007 Posts: 21

Kudos to you and your husband for being able to openly talk about this. 'Friendships' between opposite sexes can be good at times, but when boundaries aren't respected, these friendships can turn into something that can hurt many people. It's respectable that your husband has showed you both these emails, I believe if he was hiding things, he would not have showed them to you. In regards to calling this friend of his, and having you listen in.. personally, I believe it's a good thing. It will clear things up for them, and it will also leave you with a sense of peace that nothing will happen. But what should surround this conversation is the promise that he be honest and completely truthful about what he says, and that after the phone conversation, you be able to trust that your husband is in fact being truthful, and that the phone call is in fact the end of all this confusion about their friendship.

Good luck, and you will be in my prayers.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 391 Location: NJ

Wow, what a manipulative person this woman seems to be. She is basically saying that she will continue to intrude into your lives unless your husband calls her and meet her perceived needs. The world revolves around her!

I am not sure of the best approach, but my guess is that you are most likely to successfully end it if you take the direct approach and have your husband call her (with you on the phone) and talk directly to her. I realize that may be more difficult for him, but she needs to hear the word OVER.

postnotes · Newbie Joined: 29 Sep 2007 Posts: 4

Thanks for your insight, bless you all.
As I read some of the other posts after mine, I wonder where men’s heads are. After all, they aren’t “sleeping” with these “friends” we (wives) should understand and not be worried? (sorry, sarcasm there)
I would also like to know where women’s boundaries are?, when they can have an attachment to another man, when they feel that, they or their relationship is not going well that they should find it in another man?
You see I feel this women that had(has) a “friendship”/business relationship with my husband looked to him for emotional support of any kind (boost her ego, fill her empty heart) as she is not happy with her marriage and its season, and I feel he is not being forthright with the conversations they had.
Because then, why is it so difficult for her not to just end it and wrap up the business properties as he requested via email, as well as my husband not wanting to call her to speak to her personally (see my post above) with me listening on the phone call? Is he afraid she might say something that will confirm my suspicion, and that this is not “all” just based on “her” need for this attachment? And in her opinion, that I am the only thing standing in the way.
(I haven’t shared her comments she stated ( with attacks on me or getting him to be accountable) in her emails regarding that, but you can get a glimpse of it in her email at the very top)

“.. but you choose whether to open or close it.

"It's the risks in life that you don't take, that you will regret someday"

So what do you think? Maybe something more to their conversations that he does’nt want me to know?

I know, pretty loaded but what is your opinion?

Ps. sorry I can't figure out the time frame, but it is 4:00pm here.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 114

There is a lot of backstory that you will probably not ever know. You need to be able to get on with living.

Write a letter requesting the sale of the properties or the return of your investment and release of your responsibility in the properties. Have it delivered via a trackable means. Certified is always good. Your spouse can grant you a limited Power of Attorney that allows you to act on his behalf in this matter, if his seeing this woman is a problem for you or your husband. This could get really messy, since she seems set on having some sort of showdown with him before this is over.

You are already pretty sure you know what was going on. Do you need it word by word? I am not being critical I would want as much information as possible. What is important, the word by word record or the recovery of your relationship? Your husband doesn't feel comfortable going any further with information at this moment. It's time for the two of you to draw closer. It is probably going to take an outside force to bring things out and make you both feel comfortable in doing so. Strongly consider a session with a christian marriage counselor.

Don't linger on what has been; work on what can be. Your husband is with you and has made the choice to start working in the right direction. It's going to really cause a bigger tear in your relationship, if this continues to be central to conversations and actions in your marriage. You need to have some experiences with your husband that are overwhelmingly good. Both of you need it. Find something new to do together and enjoy your husband in your life.

Get closer to God, individually and as a couple.

Give yourself permission to give grace to your husband over this situation. You won't forget this incident, but you can learn from it and move forward together.

Work towards true forgiveness of this woman. The bible says, " 21 If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. 22 In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you." (Proverbs 19:21-22)

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 391 Location: NJ

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