Emotional affairs and Emotional scars

brokenhearted · Newbie Joined: 09 Oct 2007 Posts: 1

where do i begin i guess at the begining. WEll me and my husband have been married for 4 1/2 years now and we are both still very young only 23 years of age. We got married right out of highschool. We have 2 children now and I just found out a week ago im pregnant again. I guess our marriage and dating has been rocky the whole way through. We did atend church together ever since we meet but, i quess if your spouse heart is in it , it doenst help. We starting dating when i was 17 and he was 18. His mom didnt like him dating me so she kicked him out of the house. My parents found out and let him move in with us. We werent bad kids. But I know now we never should of lived together that young. IT Was really hard we were together all the time, livign together , going to school together. At times it was too much, and i really wanted out. BUt he was very controllling over me and i was weak and nieve. He didnt like my friends and always thought i was going to cheat on him. When i never gave him a reason to think so. A year went by and we stayed together. and ended up getting married and i found out I was pregnant with our first child. Soon after we got married he went to the Army for a brief time but got released for medical reasons. A year and half after we were married he confessed he was emotional involved with a girl in my grade in high school. He always told me they were just friends, and being neive i believed him. HE was so afarid that i was going to cheat on him, i never thought he could do that to me. BUt now looking back all the signs were there. He wont tell me what he said to her or what really happen, his excuse is he doesnt remember but i know he is liing. They were always together when i didnt have classes with him and he would secretly call her with me knowing. Its been 3 years so i found out but , it still hurts and still get mad. he had many jobs in the beginign of our marriage and durning these jobs he always seems to have trouble with females bothering him. and saying inapporaite things to him. He tells me what they have said to him and tell him thats sexual harrasement and that he needs to tell his boss or make it clear to this women not to talk to him like that. I feel like he isnt honoring me or our marriage. He tells me they are just joking, or they are just friendly, and that he isnt doing anything wrong. I believe a married man can not be friends with another women. Just to keep himself out of any situation. The same for me i dont have male friends, and i rarely hang out with my single friends because, they dont have values like i do. When i was pregnant with my 2nd child 3 days after his birth, my husband went to lunch with a female coworker and i did not like that and question him about it. He told me i was being unreasonable and that i was acting crazy about it. He told me then that it wasnt just him but 2 other guys went and her. He really made me feel bad. and I ended up telling him I was sorry that i over reacted. 3months later he admitted that he lied and it was only her and him that went to lunch and that asked him to have a affair. I was crushed. That he made me so bad for yelling at him when I was right. He said nothing happen and a while after she got fired from the job for sexual harrasment. BUt know Im pregant again. And our marriage doesnt feel right. a month ago my husband told me that maybe we should think about separating. He tells me I just need to forgive him and stop naggin over the past. We tried councling but only went 2 times. He didnt want to go. I told him if he really loved and wanted to save our marriage he would do whatever it takes but he wont try. He just wants me to forget i think and never bring anything up. He says he is a Godly man now and he goes to a mens group and i need to let go. But i have no closer. and If he is so close to God then why doesnt he want to work on our marriage, I feel helpless. What can I do and make him understand my feelings ?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2162 Location: Chicago

Welcome.

I was married when we were 19 and 20. And, I can only tell you that my husband was not emotionally mature enough to figure out that his needs came after my needs and the kids.

I believe your husband is not putting appropriate boundaries around your marriage that will protect him from temptation. He's walking the line and at any moment will fall off.

Usually people walk away from counseling because they are confronted with the truth and do not wish to make changes in themselves.

So, for your family and yourself, it's time for you to go back and get the help you need to heal.

Then maybe find a couples group where you can both go and build friendships and accountability for your marriage. We all need it.

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