Husband's female friend

Deborah · Newbie Joined: 30 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

Some time ago my husband struck up a friendship with a female colleague of his who lives in a town nearby. She would ring him at least twice a week to chat on his cell phone. I thought that was a bit too much and I told my husband that I was uncomfortable with that especially because she froze me out, I felt left out. He then told her what I’d said and I don’t know how that went because I wasn’t there. Even after that they carried on communicating, my husband did not see why he had to give up this friendship and I guess the woman didn’t either. On one occasion he got a call from her and he kept responding with either no or yes, as if he couldn't fully respond to whatever was being said in my presence. Things got to a head when he received a voice mail alert on his cell phone and he couldn’t retrieve it himself ( he was driving) and he asked me to – it was this female friend whose message was something like ‘hi it’s me are you still coming to see me I’m here in …….’. I was upset by this as I didn’t even know that he was going to see this friend of his. Was I over reacting? I suspect if I hadn’t heard the message he’d have gone and seen her behind my back. He rang her to inform her that he wouldn’t be able to make it because I wasn’t happy about it. Again he told me he’d stop talking to her if that made me happy. To cut a long story short, I stumbled upon a text message from this colleague of his inviting him to meet at their mutual friend’s house. His explanation was ‘she keeps ringing me and texting me so I can’t ignore her’ We had a long discussion about this and he promised to cut all ties with her. It’s been a while now and I haven’t come across any messages etc from her. Was I wrong to ask my husband to cut ties with this colleague, he seemed to think so and made me feel so.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2162 Location: Chicago

webacus · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 9:13 am Post subject:

Hi Deborah. Welcome.

Deborah · Newbie Joined: 30 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

Thanks a lot for your replies Sam & Webacus. Like I said, my husband made me feel bad for asking him to stop communicating with this woman. Not only that, he made it seem as if my own ‘inadequacies’ were driving me to ask him to do so. Although I haven’t seen any evidence of continuing friendship, I was beginning to think that maybe I was wrong to go by my premonition. At the time we discussed this I thought that he was either naïve or was enjoying the attention from this friend. In the cases that I came across text and voice mail messages, I wasn’t looking for them (I don’t read his emails etc). I don’t think that just happened by chance, I took it as prompting. I will go by his word that he’s no longer in touch with her but I can not help but wonder sometimes. Raising that concern will only end with me, not getting reassured but feeling like a nagging wife.That’s no help to me so I guess I should just move on. If there is anything, it will always come out into the light I believe. Then I will raise the issue. I don’t think that anything physical happened but that is not a far off next step from emotional attachment isn’t it?
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If your husband was not in the middle of an emotional affair, he certainly was heading toward one.

I think so too. But to him that isn’t a problem because ‘nothing happened nor will it happen’ as he says.

We are now in a good church and I hope that my husband will find someone who can provide accountability. Pray for us- that we live Spirit led lives/marriage. Once again thanks for your comments which made me realise that it wasn’t just my own feelings of ‘inadequacy’ (which up to that point I had not realised I had).

Island Girl · Newbie Joined: 05 Sep 2007 Posts: 2

My Husband also has a female friend he says he has known for 14 years and we've only been married 5 years. I am also never included in anything which they do. He is a builder and he uses her to clean the houses when complete before putting on the market. I truly believe there is an emotional affair going on. The other day I found an email address and profile in his wallet and confronted him about it as we have our own joint email address. He said it was just a "joke". I told him I didn't get the punch line and what exactly was funny about it. He got very defensive of their relationship and when I tried to tell him that this was not Biblical and that I wanted him to think about this relationship and break it off if it were coming against our marriage, he told me he would leave me before he broke off the friendship with her. I was appalled and have not been the same since. I feel that the two of them have created another private email address which I'm sure he will be more careful and I won't find it. I can't get him to admit to me what the email address would be for and I am concerned about my marriage. I also feel that the Holy Spirit sends promptings when there is something to be concerned about, but what I am confused over is, I constantly pray a hedge of protection around my marriage, therefore, if the Holy Spirit is prompting me that there may be a problem, how come my husband is not getting any prompts and why is he continuing to do something that may ruin our marriage?
Thanks for the vent.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 315 Location: In Prayer

Welcome, Island Girl. I'm sorry I did not see your post before.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Yes, the Holy Spirit does send us nudges and provides a sense of warning or impending danger.

The fact that your husband won't discuss this, is very bothersome.

Island Girl · Newbie Joined: 05 Sep 2007 Posts: 2

Thanks for the response, My husband has no real "christian friends", he has friends who he has been friends with for years, they all get together on Tuesday nights for "Bible Study", and according to him, they discuss what they've read in the Bible, but there is no real leader to even tell them if what they discuss is accurate, so to me, it is just a bunch of men debating their own ideas. This same group of men he goes on weekend fishing trips with 4 times a year, and they drink alcohol all weekend. I have asked him how can he do that and then hold a Bible Study, but he feels nothing is wrong with it, so to answer your original question, No, there are no christian men in his life. In regards to asking him the list of questions you sent, no way, he would never ever sit still for me to ask such things. He gets angry even if I bring up the subject and want to just talk about it, so I just gave up. I really have no idea why he stays married to me, I guess time will tell. I commit the whole situation to God several times a day, I take it back and then I re-commit again. The only way I get thru it, one minute at a time, one day at a time until God moves one way or the other. I know everyone has free will, but I also believe God softens hardened hearts or I would not believe in prayer.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 315 Location: In Prayer

Sitting in silence and avoiding conflict will not resolve an issue.

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