my mother claims she is helping me

alannah · Newbie Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 20

I have been married now for almost two years, Iam 32 years old, no children, Iam hearing impaired, deaf in my right ear, hearing aid in my left ear, Iam on social security and work part-time.

My mother has been nothing but trouble since day one in marriage. My mother and I has always had a close relationship that is until I got married and then there was another side of her.

I have always stuck buy my mother through thick and thin when my father would not. Every little things she told me to day I did it and I always gave her money and sometimes it was my whole social security check to pay bills in the house.

I thought that when i got married that she would be happy for me. Finally finding someone who really loves me and takes care of me I deserved that brake. For the last 15 years I have been taking care of my parents buy giving them money everytime they needed it to pay bills, I cook, clean and do my mother hair when she wants it done almost every other day.

When i need help and need to barrow money it is always a price i have to pay. When I barrow money from my mother it is always rent money or car money so therefore I have to pay it back when i get my social security money. But she has taken thousands and thousands of dollars from me and she has not paid me back not one cent of my money.

My mother depends on me to much for every little thing she acts like she is the child and Iam the mother! Every little problem or every big bill that comes up in this house I have to help her pay it or I have to dish out more that my 28 year old brother who live her too.

What started this whole mess is my mother got mad at my husband and I because in 2005 my husband would not give her his income tax check which was $2500 to her to bail my brother out of jail. I gave her all of my social security money which was $600 at that time to her to help bail him out and she was still hot mad at the both of us.

Nobody else gave her a dime but yet she was still mad at us. From that day on everytime i turn arround I have to here my mother talk about he is not taking care of you the way a husband should, he is no good, blah blah blah.

She only throws that up in my face when I will not give her my money or when I will not jump to her every command.

My husand and I are seperated right now because of the mess I allowed my mother to do to us. So now Iam currently back at home because I had no place to go and she is worst than the first time we seperated.
My husand and I are working on our marriage and we are planning on moving out together in november.

So I spend the weekends with him at his mothers house because he works afternoon from 3 until 11 at night. My mother calls me everytime I go out with my husband with a bunch of mess that is not necessary or it could wait until I get home. She know that I am with my husand and she dosent want to respect that.

This morning she calls me at 7am telling me what to do when i get home. I have not even left my husand parents house yet and already she is telling me what to do when I get home. They cut my cellphone off this morning and when I got home she finally reached me on my own home phone.
Sure enought she called to tell me to get up and cook so it will be ready when she got home. She started complaining about my cellphone being cut off and that i need a cellphone in case i get stranded and all this.
But my mother only hounded me about my cellphone being cut off because she cant call and harrass me when Iam with my husband.
I told her I was not going to get my cellphone cut back on this month.

I thought the conversation was done. She called me back 30 later with this messed up story" I have been praying and fasting and the lord told me that someone has a curse on you and your husband and the reason why your both stuggleing is because he is not taking care of you the way a husband should.There is no hope for him unless he takes care of you the way you are suppose to be taken care of and you can pray and fast all you want but there is no hope for him. I am not concerned about him Iam only concernded about you, you are at your lowest and you did not have all of these bill until you moved out with him and came back home."

But when she comes to me asking me for money I dont tell her how her husband is not taking care of her and I dont tell her to go and get money from her huband. I help her no questions asked.

Since I got married my mother has not one good thing to say about my husband and my husband is good to me. No congradulation on the car he brought me when we were only engaged and my family tour up my car, sold it and did not give me not one dime from my car, no congradulation on my new engagement or how my husband takes care of me and look out for me. All she dose is sit up and talk about the bad things or the things she thinks is bad about my husand.

When we had our first appartment when we first go married she told me to save up all my money and let him pay all of the bills and rent! Now Iam married and my husand and I are a team he cant do all of that by himself! it takes two in a marriage.

She only wanted me to save up my money so she can call me on the 3rd every month with some sad story about her not having money to pay her bill and can she barrow my money. When I started telling her no then she would curse me out and started talking about my husband again about how he is taking my money and how he dosent take care of me and all that mess.

Iam tired of my mother and I want her off of my back once and for all. I have gotten to the point to where iam about to cut all ties and communtication off from her. My husband has told me to pack my things and move back in with him until we move out in november, Iam really not lead to do that just right now because I dont want to have to move back into my mothers house. He has done somethings to me to that was not right but nothing major like cheating, hiding money, not taking care of me or anything like that.

What should I do?

rdsmith3 · Full Member Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 274 Location: NJ

Is there a pastor or church member you can approach for some advice? You are going to need some loving Christian support, because what you need to do will probably be difficult.

Your relationship with God should be first. Your relationship with your husband should be second after that. The same goes for your husband. If at all possible, you and your husband should be living on your own, away from parents. You should also set up some goals for cutting financial ties and dependencies, and get some financial counseling for your own financial goals (e.g, Crown Financial ministries -- our church just started a free seminar on budgeting using the Crown Financial techniques.)

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

Scripture is pretty clear - it's called leave and cleave. Which means leaving your family to cleave and "become one" with your spouse.

That's not happening in the relationship you have with your mom. It's time to move out and stay out. It's time to no longer give her money and it's time to no longer take money from her. The apron strings that bind you need to be cut.

And... it's more than likely one of the primary reasons why you and your husband have had the difficulty that you have. You cannot be married to your mom and married to your husband - it just doesn't work. You two cannot experience the oneness God has designed for your marriage, if you and mom are still connected at the hip.

God calls you to honor your mother, so do not cutoff all ties to her. Be respectful, even when she is not. You do not need to provide her explanations or excuses for every situation. You simply say, this is what my husband and I have decided. I'm sorry you are not happy for us or disagree. Then end the conversation, or leave her home if she continues to belittle you or pursue you with questions. You do not have to answer every phone call she makes to you. Once a day is plenty enough to talk with her.

You've allowed her to treat you this way. You've given her permission.
So, now she thinks it's perfectly OK. Time to respectfully tell her, "It's not OK", when she oversteps her boundaries.

I would highly recommend two books for you - both are written by Dr. Henry Cloud - one is called Boundaries and the other is called Boundaries in Marriage. They will save your marriage and your relationship with your mom.

alannah · Newbie Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 20

OKAY IAM GLAD FOR YOU ADVICE. I AGREE IAM NOT MAD OR COMPLAINING. YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN SICK LATELY HAVING PAINS IN MY STOMACH AND HEADACHE.

IAM NOW READY TO BELEIVE THAT THE THINGS THAT MY MOTHER IS DOING IS TAKING A TOLL ON ME AND AND I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HER REALLY FAST NOW. I CANT EVEN TALK TO HER ON THE PHONE OR SAY HI WITHOUT HER GIVING ME ORDERS, TELLING TO BRING HOME THIS, WHEN IAM COMING HOME FROM HUSAND HOUSE AND I ALL THAT MESS.

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