When is it time to give up - Quit - and move on?

upsideguy

My wife of 26 years left me July 1, and took 2 of the 4 children, ages 19 and 16, with her. The other 2 kids are adults, and on their own. She initially filed for legal separation, but, last week, converted the case to one for divorce.

She needed her space and some time to work things out. She said she was not in love with me. She also wanted to get her own financial "fresh start" as my business has failed and we are in foreclosure - about to lose the house. Bankruptcy is possible, and my job possibilities are somewhat limited. The limitations include: my age (55), disbarment and loss of law and insurance licenses. Taxes are also a problem as our wages are being garnished.

I can't seem to focus on anything. I am surrounded by memories and guilt. I should have done a lot of things differently, but now it appears all is lost.

May 27 is the final hearing for the divorce. I intend to oppose it, but to what end? It will be granted over my objections anyway.

Do I give up?

Is anybody out there?

I have had some counseling, but can't afford it right now. I have looked to "church" and while it has been a help, I have not connected with anyone in that church. I don't really know the pastor, so it doesn't seem right to lay this all out for him.

CK is Seeking...and...Moving On?

webacus · Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 1:07 pm Post subject:

Hey Upside... I'm here.

Boy, where to start.

You and I are at about the same life-stage. About twenty years ago
we experienced a business failure, bankruptcy, and nearly lost the home.

Leading up to that catastrophe was a life obsessed with "making the
business a success". I lived and breathed the business. Looking back,
my wife likens it to a "mistress" that pulled me from the marriage.

We came close to divorce.

Now, my family didn't move out; she didn't file for divorce; but we came very close.

Today, we're very happily married. The financial mess is behind us.
It wasn't easy, but we made it.

What made the difference is this:

Up to that point in our lives we were un-churched -- raised as "religious"
church-attending people, but when we married, church lost its relevancy.

When my business crashed -- that was my bottom. I had failed financially,
relationally, and spiritually. My life was hopeless. Excuse me for what sounds like a
cliché-Christian comment-- but I had to turn to God. I was stripped of my career, my identity,
my credentials, and (nearly) my marriage... It was just God and me.

So, this experience brought me to a defining moment where I got to know God
and began a relationship with him. My values gradually changed;
my wife and I drew closer; and we transitioned into some great supportive relationships
that helped grow our marriage.

All that to say-- as impractical and cliché as that might sound -- I encourage you
to lean in to God.

I don't know where you "are" spiritually, so not sure if this makes sense to you.

Connecting with a church -- Good to hear you're on that track.

• Sometimes pastors are not that accessible...
• Does your church have a Men's ministry?
• Or "community care" ministry? Someone else you can talk with...
• Are you open to trying other churches?

I highly suggest you get into a men's group -- and find a couple of
solid relationships. That is critical.

As far as the divorce hearing... Do you want the marriage?
If yes, then you need to be there.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 368 Location: NJ

upsideguy

Welcome. You were led here, somehow, so listen to that voice. In my life, as in many other's lives, God had to put me through some very traumatic experiences to get my attention. I was not thinking about HIS will; I was thinking about mine. Ideally, the priorities should be God first, wife and family second, then yourself after that.

First, you sound as if you may be depressed. Be really careful of any important decisions you are making right now. As Webacus said, you really need the support and guidance of some other men at this critical time. I know that we men like to think that we can solve things on our own; we are the rugged individuals who are self-sufficient, but it does not really work that way. We need God; we need to surrender to Him

Second, it is hard to tell what you did or did not do in your marriage to get to this point, but if you want to save the marriage, and if it is still possible, try to have a real talk from the heart with your wife, and pray like crazy for God to heal your marriage, and change you. If there is any possible way to save your marriage and family, I really encourage you to do it.

Third, again as Webacus suggested, you really need to get some counselling to help you get some direction and focus.

I will pray for you.

upsideguy · Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 10:20 pm Post subject: When is it time to move on?

Webacus and rdsmith3:

Thank you both for your replies and your insights.

I have spent a lot of time thinking, praying, reading and praying some more. I have been led to a Pentecostal church in town and found some solace there. I have been moved to answer several altar calls...have joined in praise and worship...have listened and learned. I was raised in religion - Roman Catholic - but it just didn't offer much to me recently. I've been to a recent PK meeting in town - inviting an acquaintance that has been after me to get right with God. All this helps - as do your words of encouragement and understanding. Thank you.

I know I'm wrestling with depression. The diagnosis, medication were helpful, I guess, but the counseling has been less than successful. Time to look to my new church for a referral? And I have looked for a mens group - just have not connected there either. I will keep looking...searching...trying to find the "upside guy" again.

CK

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 368 Location: NJ

upsideguy

I suggest looking for a different counsellor. I know from experience that it is difficult to find a good Christian counsellor, and there are some bad ones out there, but I was fortunate to find a good one who has been very helpful to me. Ask your pastor. Also, Focus on the Family (James Dobson) gives referrals from their web site for Christian Counsellors. A counsellor has to apply and be accepted in order for Focus on the Family to refer them. They do not just refer you to anyone who asks to be included.

It is great that you have turned towards Jesus at this point in your life. I was raised Roman Catholic, also, so I have some understanding of what you mean. I think the biggest difference is that Evangelical churches emphasize a personal relationship with Jesus. There is no intermediary -- no priest or pope -- so the responsibility is on you to develop the relationship; to seek Him out by reading the Bible and praying.

webacus · Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 11:08 am Post subject:

upsideguy · Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 4:38 pm Post subject: Current Status

Thanks to all for your kind words of encouragement.

Just to bring this saga to a close of a sort...the divorce did happen as expected. She says she's happy without me and a much stronger woman now. I can't argue with that...and nothing I said or did changed her mind. So now, I (we) are just another statistic. Middle aged and divorced.

He won't give me more than I can bear. What am I to learn from all this? I am powerless by myself.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 368 Location: NJ

I am really sorry to hear this. It may not be clear right now, or for a long time, what God wants you to learn from all this. I know from painful experience that we need to be humbled in order to get closer to Him, so I suggest that you focus on Jesus at this time and on getting closer to Him. You may be tempted to start dating other women, but I really urge you to avoid that right now if at all possible. I will pray for you and your family.

Karelina9 · Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 11:29 pm Post subject:

Romans 5:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. (ESV)

I've just read your journey. My prayer is for you to find your renewed hope in Jesus love and grace in your life.
I'm sorry that your marriage ended in divorce, but God has you in his hands and will see you through this time.
I'll be praying for you and your family.
God Bless~

sppdscott · Newbie Joined: 06 Jul 2007 Posts: 2 Location: Nebraska

Reconcilable Differences: with Study Guide by Jim A. Talley (Paperback - Jan 7, 1991)

Here is my recent post from another here. My wife and I used this book to work on some difficult areas (especially just communicating emotions and past hurts) as we both were seeking reconciliation. After 3 years of separation, many individual counseling sessions, and finally joint counseling sessions the past several months, we are together. This book is also written for divorced people who need to get over their issues with their spouses so they can move past the anger and bitterness towards each other. Many examples in this book of divorced couples who reconcile YEARS later. Support and encourage your wife any way you can as she too is reeling from the separation and divorce. You may be the last to hear that from her. She will notice changes in you however, and may be attracted to you if you are healthier spiritually and emotionally. Support groups can do that for you. I do a mens' group and Celebrate Recovery for finding guys to connect with who are honest about their failures. Talking there has been threpeutic for me. Both of those groups were in different churches as mine did not offer anything similar. Most likely your wife already has women to talk to. Hopefully not all of them tell her divorce is the ONLY option for her!

JoBets · Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 6:35 am Post subject: Re: Current Status

kaycee · Newbie Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 5

Maybe this is a bit late but I sincerely believe you can start courting your wife again and maybe rekindle that old flame. God's word tells us how much God hates divorce and unless it is for fornication then God doesn't approve nor allow it. You will be in my prayers. When my wife was in an affair I did fear it was over for us but thank God He saw us through it and made our marriage all the stronger.

PW_Moose · Newbie Joined: 06 Sep 2006 Posts: 4 Location: OHio

First of all, my heart goes out to Upsidedown Guy. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and I'll be praying for you.

Secondly, I wanted to ask this question out there. When do you stay and when do you go?? My husband and I separated a couple years ago. I concentrated on working on me, he concentrated on dating as many women as humanly possible. I fasted and prayed, and we did get back together. I really thought it was the Lord's will and rejoiced!! But he is still in "dating mode". Since we've been back together, he has had about 5 personal date websites ads! The latest one, he is looking for someone "available afternoons and evenings" (when I'm at work). I've confronted him so many times, cried, begged, and sternly said, THis isn't going to be happening. He denies, apologizes, etc. He carries condoms in his laptop bag for work. I confronted them about that too....and he won't throw them away. first there were 8, now there are 3. I guess he used 5??
At what point, as a Christian woman do I say....I forgive you because I have to as a Christian....but this is all I can stand!! I'm afraid he will give me a disease or something from one of his dates!~ Plus mentally and emotionally....I'm feeling SO rejected by him...I"m really lost! I want to leave, but that is such a huge huge step. And a scarry one. I'm the kind of person who does't give up. I just pray harder! But at what point do you say, okay. That's it?
I"ve been pounding heaven trying to get an answer and I'm going for counseling. She told me that I need to leave. My mom died in April, and the day after she died....he told me that I wasn't welcome to live in our home anymore! I was devastated because my mom just died and just said, this is my house too. I'm not leaving. Of course, during that time...he had his other women.
What do you think? I'm just lost right now.
Thanks for reading this and listening..... pw

alannah · Newbie Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 20

YES I AGREE WITH THE PEOPLE THAT ARE SAYING LEAN ON JESUS. I STRONGLY BELEIVE THAT WHEN TWO CHRISTIAN PEOPLE MARRY THAT IS GOD PURPOSE AND NOT TO BE REDONE.

FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. FIGHT FOR IT BY PRAYING AND FASTING. GOD DOSENT BRAKE UP CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES, HE MAKES THEM BETTER. PUT ALL YOUR TIME, TRUST AND ATTENTION IN GOD AND I GUARENTEE YOU THAT HE WILL BRING YOUR WIFE AND KIDS BACK TO YOU.

GOD HATES DIVORCE AND THE DECISION THAT YOUR WIFE HAS MADE IS NOT OF GOD. FOR IT CLEARLY STATES IN HIS WORD THAT A WIFE IS NOT SUPPOSE TO LEAVE HER HUSBAND AND A HUSBAND IS NOT SUPPOSE TO PUT AWAY HIS WIFE.

IF YOU WANT YOUR MARRIAGE SAVED TURN AND SURRENDER COMPLETELY TO JESUS. MAYBE GOD DID NOT HAVE YOUR FULLEST ATTENTION BEFORE ALL OF THIS GOT STARTED AND NOW THIS IS HIS WAY TO GET IT.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

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