IS MY MARRIAGE COMING TO AN END?

alannah · Newbie Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 20

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS. WHEN WE GOT MARRIED IN MAY OF 2005 WE MOVED OUT OF OUR PARENTS HOUSE A MONTH LATER AND GOT OUR FIRST APPARMENT TO GETHER.

WE WERE PLANNING ON STAYING THERE FOR A YEAR UNTIL WE BOUGHT OUR HOUSE. FIVE MONTHS LATER MY HUSBAND LEFT ME BECAUSE OF MY MOTHER INTERFERING IN OUR MARRIAGE AND I DID NOT HAVE THE GUT TO STAND UP TO HER.

WE WERE SEPERATED FOR ONLY A WEEK AND WE GOT BACK TOGETHER. WE I MOVED OUT OF MY MOTHERS HOUSE AGAIN AND MOVED IN WITH HIM IN HIS PARENTS HOUSE UNTIL WE GOT BACK ON OUR FEET.

FOUR MONTH LATER MY HUSBAND HUSBAND CAME TO ME OUT OF THE BLOW AND TOLD ME THAT HE FILED FOR DIVROCE. I WAS STUNNED!
WE WERE HAVING PROBLEMS THE LAST TWO MONTHS OF US STAYING TOGETHER.

BEFORE I MEET MY HUSBAND HE USE TO BE IN A MOTORCYCLE GANG. I MEET HIM 10 YEARS ATFTER THAT. BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED HE WENT TO MY CHURCH GOT FILLED WITH THE HOLY GHOST AND BAPTIZED IN JESUS NAME THEN HE JOINED THE CHURCH.

WE GOT MARRIED AFTER THAT. TWO MONTHS INTO THE FOUR OR FIVE MONTHS WE LIVED TOGETHER AT HIS PARENTS HOUSE LIKE I SAID HE FILED FOR DIVORCE.

MY HUSBAND STARTED HANGING OUT WITH THOSE OLD MOTORCYCLE PEOPLE AGAIN. ALL OF A SUDDENT WHEN HE BOUGHT HIS NEW 2007 HARELEY DAVIDSON STREET GLIDER HE WANTED TO GO AND RIDE HIS BIKE EVERYDAY WITH HIS FRIENDS AND DID NOT WANT TO SPEND ANYTHIME WITH ME AT ALL.

SO HE CAME WITH THE DIVORECE AND I FIGURED IT WAS BECAUSE HE WANTED TO HANG OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS NOW AND DID NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED ANYMORE. BUT I ASKED HIM WHY? HE SAID HE WANTED TO BE BY HIMSLELF.

SO HEARING THIS I SAID TO MYSELF, THIS MAN DOSENT WANT ME ANYMORE SO I PACKED UP AND MOVED BACK TO MY MOTHERS HOUSE AGAIN FOR THE SECOND TIME AND THAT WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I HAVE EVER MADE IN MY LIFE.

SHE WAS HAPPY OF COURSE BECAUSE SHE NEVER WANTED ME TO GET MARRIED AND MOVE OUT OF HER HOUSE ANYWAY. SHE WANTED ME TO STAY SINGLE AND CATER TO HER EVERY NEEDS AND HELP HER TAKE CARE OF HER FAMILY WHICH IS MY 28 YEAR OLD BROTHER AND MY FATHER.

A WEEK LATER MY HUSBAND CALLS ME AND TELL ME THAT HE LIED, HE DID NOT FILE FOR DIVORCE AND FOR ME TO GET MY THINGS AND COME BACK HOME. I TOLD HIM NO BECAUSE I DID NOT KNOW IF HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE ME AGAIN FOR THE THIRD TIME!

MY HUSAND AND I STARTING COMMUNICATING VERY LITTLE. HE GOT TO THE POINT TO WHERE HE DID NOT WANT TO EVEN COME AND PICK ME UP FOR WORK ANYMORE OR EVEN LET ME USE THE CAR AND HE STOPPED CALLING ME.

SO NOW I STOPPED CALLING HIM AND WE DONT COMMUNICATE AT ALL. I GAVE HIM SPACE. IT HURT BUT DURING OUR SEPERATION I STARTED FASTING AND PRAYING MORE AND GIVING GOD ALL OF MY TIME AND ATTENTION. IN RESULT OF ALL THIS HE HAS MADE ME A STRONGER PERSON AND I THINK ABOUT JESUS, JESUS, JESUS ALL DAY LONG.

I STILL HURT BECAUSE MY HUSBAND DOSENT EVEN CALL ME TO SAY HI ANYMORE. HE WORKS AFTERNOONS FROM 3 TO 11 AT NIGHT SO I DONT SEE HIM ANYMORE. HIS PARENTS THROW HIM OUT AND NOW HE IS STAYING WITH A FRIEND AND THE HARLEY DAVIDSON COMPANY TOOK HIS BIKE A MONTH AGO.

WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW? IT SEEMS THAT MY HUSAND IS GETTING FARTHER AND FARTHER A WAY FROM NOW?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Have you ever heard the term - leave and cleave? It's used in scripture and it means to leave your family and cleave to your spouse. That obviously hasn't happened if the two of you have still counted on family to support you.

It's never too late and there's always hope. It doesn't sound like the divorce papers have been signed, and even if they have, neither of you has remarried. Which means, there is always hope.

There's been a lot of selfishness and pride and standing your round to "be right". Being "right" will not get you anywhere in marriage.

It's time to get some help through counseling with a Christian counselor or your pastor. Even if your husband will not go - it's important for you to sort this junk out, get perspective and know the direction to head in.

It's never too late to call your husband, tell him you are sorry, that you never wanted to hurt him and you would like to find a way to start over. Do not bring up his faults and shortcomings - it's time to concentrate on your own. Let God work on your husband.

There are two great books by Dr. Henry Cloud that I would like to recommend to you - one is called[b][i] Boundaries and the other is called Boundaries in Marriage.[/b][/i]

In order for things to work again - the apron strings from your mother must be cut. God comes first in your life, then your husband and mom needs to be much further down the line. You can still honor her, but her control of you needs to stop and the counselor can help you establish those boundaries.

If counseling is not affordable, many churches offer it, many non-profit agencies and counseling office do have people doing their clinicals, so will offer a reduce rate. Your wholeness and happiness counts on it as well as your ability to restore a marriage that has definitely gotten off to a pretty rotten start.

Track down your husband, let him know this is not what you want. Ask him to forgive you.

Find a way to do marriage God's way -

1) find a church home you both love and attend regularly
2) build friendships and accountability for your marriage and for youself individually
3) find a wiser and mature couple to mentor you
4) learn God's word and dwell on it every day
5) pray together
6) join a couples bible study

alannah · Newbie Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 20

OKAY I STRONGLY AGREE WITH YOU. BUT CAN I ASK YOU THIS? FIRST OFF I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT IAM NOT GETTING MAD OR DEFENCE TOWARD YOU AT ALL, WHY DOES IT SEEMS THAT EVERYONE THAT KNOWS THIS ORDEAL BETWEEN MY HUSBAND AND I EXCEPT MY MOTHER, IS BLAMING ME?

OTHER PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOURSELF ARE SAYING THAT I NEED TO SAY IAM SORRY TO MY HUSBAND AND TELL HIM I WANT TO WORK THINGS OUT, BUT NO ONE IS SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT HOW HE LEFT ME AND CHOSE TO BE WITH HIS OLD MOTORCYCLE FRIENDS EVERYDAY.

I FELT HURT AND NEGLECTED. HE NEVER SAID HE WAS SORRY TO ME FOR ANYTHING. I HAVE TOLD MY HUSBAND SEVERAL TIMES THAT I WAS SORRY . BUT HE STILLS SEEMS TO STRAY AWAY EVEN MORE.

AND YOU KNOW SOMEHTING ELSE? YES, YES, YES! I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE WHEN YOU SAY THAT I NEED TO LET MY MOTHER GO. MY BROTHER AND FATHER ARE NOT GETTING INTO MY MARRIAGE AT ALL.

THEY DONT ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS WHAT SO EVER ABOUT ME AND MY HUSBAND BUT THEY ALWAYS TELL ME THAT IF HE PUTS ONE HAND ON ME THAT IT WILL BE TROUBLE. OTHER THAN THAT THEY MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS.

BUT MY MOTHER? IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY. WHEN I MOVED OUT THOSE TWO TIMES SHE CALLED MY CELLPHONE EVERYDAY BETWEEN 9AM TO 12PM AFTERNOON WHILE MY HUSBAND WAS AT WORK FROM 7AM TO 3 IN THE AFTERNOON.

SHE WOULD NEVER CALL AFTER 3 WHEN MY HUSBAND GOT HOME OR COME OVER MY HOUSE AFTER 3 WHEN HE CAME HOME FROM WORK.
WHEN SHE CALLED EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD TELL ME TO " CALL THE CHURCH AND SEE IF THEY HAVE SERVICE TONIGHT, CALL THE PHONE COMPANY AND GIVE THEM MY DEBIT CARD INFORMATION AND PAY MY PHONE BILL, CALL AND SEE IF THEIR IS SOME EXTRA MONEY IN MY BACK ACCOUNT BEFORE I DEPOSITE SOME, I NEED TO BARROW SOME MONEY ON THE 3 WHEN YOU GET YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY CHECK WE ARE BEHIND ON THE RENT."

THE SAME THINGS SHE DID TO ME BEFORE I GOT MARRIED IT DID NOT MEAN ANYTHING TO HER THAT I MOVED OUT AND GOT MARRIED. SHE MEANT THAT I WAS STILL GOING TO DO FOR HER AND HER ONLY.
SHE TELL ME " WELL HE LEFT YOU AND PUT YOU OUT THE LAST TIME AND HE WILL KEEP ON DOING IT, YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM ALONE AND LET HIM GO ABOUT HIS BUSINESS. AND MY MOTHER IS SAVED AND FILLED WITH THE HOLY GHOST JUST LIKE US!

WE ALL ATTEND THE SAME CHURCH AND AFTER ALL OF THIS MESS MY HUSBAND WILL NOT AND IS AFRIAD TO COME BACK TO CHURCH OR ATTNED FAMILY GATHERING WITH ME BECAUSE OF MY MOTHER.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

alannah · Newbie Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 20

YOU ARE SO RIGHT. YOU COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT TO ME ANY BETTER. BELEIVE ME I HAVE CHANGED SINCE MY HUSBAND AND I SEPERATED.

I HAVE LEARNED TO BE MORE FORGIVING NOT JUST TOWARD MY HUSAND BUT TOWARD OTHER PEOPLE.

I HAVE LEARNED TO STOP BLAMING HIM AND LISTED ALL OF THE FUALT I DID IN THE MARRIAGE AND I PRAYED AND ASKED THE LORD TO CHANGE ME.

I LEARNED HOW TO PRAY, FAST, READ AND STUDY MY BIBLE EVERYDAY.

I LEARNED TO LISTEN TO JESUS AND NOT MY MOTHER.

I FOCUS ALL MY ATTENTION AND TIME TO JESUS CHRIST.

I LEARNED TO HUMBLE MYSELF IN THIS SITIAUTION AND EXCEPT THE THINGS THAT HURT ME. INSTEAD OF GETTING ANGRY I PLEAD THE BLOOD OF JESUS AND I PRAY AND FAST. I INGNORE THE CONSTANT NEGIVITY MY MOTHER GIVES OFF ABOUT MY MARRIAGE.

I TEXT MY HUSBAND AND ASK HIM HOW HIS DAY IS AND IF HE IS OKAY EVEN THOUGH HE DOSENT CALL ME FIRST ANYMORE.

I STOPPED LETTING MY MOTHER MAKE ME FEEL BAD JUST BECAUSE MY HUSBAND AND I ARE HAVING PROBLEMS AND I DONT AND NEVER HAVE TALKED ABOUT MY MARRIAGE AND PROBLEMS TO MY MOTHER. SHE JUST FOUND IT UPON HER SELF TO ASK ME QUESTIONS AND IF WHATEVER I DECIDE TO TELL HER AND IT IS NOT MUCH, WHETHER IT BE GOOD OR BAD SHE HAS TO MAKE THE GOOD NEWS BAD AND MAKE THE BAD NEWS WORST.

SO WHEN SHE COMES TO ME ASKING ME ABOUT MY HUSBAND OR MARRIAGE IN GENERAL I JUST TELL HER NOW THAT GOD IS IN THE MIST AND I LEAVE IT AT THAT. NOW SHE DOSENT ASK ME ANYTHING ABOUT MY MARRIAGE. BUT WHAT SHE DOES IS THROW HER HINTS TO GET THE CONVERSATION STATRED AND TEHN AN ARGUMENT.

FOR EXAMPLE, SHE COULD BE SITTING ON THE PORCH OR IN THE LIVING ROOM WATCHING TV. I MIGHT HAVE SOMTHING TO ASK HER AND I GO TO WHERE SHE IS BUT I NEVER ASK HER ADVICE OR ANTHING ABOUT MY MARRAIGE OR HUSBAND.

THE QUESTION I ASKED IS NOT EVEN BASED ON MARRIAGE OR MY HUSBAND.

I CAN USE THE STORY OF MY COUSIN FOR THIS EXAMPLE. MY COUSIN GOT MARRIED 4 YEARS AGO HER FIRST MARRIAGE. MY COUSIN HAS ALOT GOING FOR HERSLEF AND VERY INDEPENDENT. SIX MONTHS INTO HER MARRIAGE ALREADY THEY ARE SPERATED.

MY AUNT TOLD MY MOTHER THE STORY AND SO THE STORY GOS ON UNTIL TODAY. I STARTED A COVERSATION WITH MY MOTHER ABOUT HOW I ADMIRE MY COUSIN FOR GRADUATING FOR COLLEGE WITH A BACHOLORS DEGREE IN BUSINESS AND SHE IS THE FORMAN IN CHRYSLER PLANT. BUT SHE IS STILL SPERATED FROM HER HUSBAND. HE STILL COMES TO HER HOUSE ON WEEKEND AND PICKS UP THE KIDS AND THEY ARE BEST OF FRIENDS.

MY MOTHER MAKES THIS SMART COMMENT" YES SHE IS DOING VERY GOOD AND SHE HAS NOT LOOK BACK AT THAT HUSBAND OF HERS!

I IGNORED HER CHANGED THE SUBJECT AND GOT UP AND LEFT. I SEEN THAT THAT WAS A OPPORTUNITY TO GET STARTED ON MY SITUATION SO SHE COULD PUT MY HUSBAND ME DOWN AGAIN. BUT JESUS SHOWED ME HOW TO HANDLE MY MOTHER AND STOP CONFUSSION IN ITS TRACKS.

YOU KNOW WHEN WE GOT SEPERATED THIS LAST TIME AND I MOVED BACK HOME, DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT MY MOTHER TRYED TO TALK ME INTO GOING OUT WITH ONE OF MY OLD BOYFIRENDS AND TOLD ME THAT I NEED TO MOVE ON THAT THAT WAS THE MATE FOR THAT GOD INTENDED ME TO HAVE?

NOW I JUST MOVED BACK IN THAT DAY AND ALREADY SHE IS ENCOURAGEING ME TO GO OUT COMMIT AUDULTRY AND HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN OLD BOYFREIEND WHICH STILL AFTER 8 YEARS HAS NOT OFFERED TO PUT A RING ON MY FINGER!

WHY WOULD I REALLY WANT TO DO THAT? WHEN ALL I HAVE TO DO IS LET GOD FIX WHAT I ALREADY HAVE AND WANT. WHY WOULD I THROW AWAY WHAT I READY HAVE TO GO BACK OUT THEIR AND START ALL OVER AGAIN?

JESUS TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD NOT HAVE LEFT MY HUSBAND IN THE FIRST PLACE. I SHOULD HAVE JUST ALLOWED HIM TO GO WITH HIS FRIENDS, DID NOT BELEIVE HIS DIVORCE THREATS, AND SEEK JESUS JUST LIKE WHAT IAM DOING NOW. AND IF I HAD DONE THAT I WOULD STILL BE WITH MY HUSBAND AND GOD WOULD HAVE CHANGED ME AND MY SITUATION JUST LIKE HE IS GRADUALLY DOING.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

The best thing you could do for yourself, if financially possible, is move out of your mother's home.

alannah · Newbie Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 20

I HAVE SOME NEWS TO TELL YOU. BETWEEN THE TIME I ANSWERED YOUR FIRST REPLY UNTIL NOW THAT IAM REPLYING TO YOU, I TEXTED MY HUSBAND AFTER NOT HEARING FORM IM IN A WEEK.

I ASKED HIM IF HE WAS OKAY? HE TEXTED ME BACK AND SAID "IM OK"
I TEXED HIM AND SAID " ARE YOU BACK TO WORK ON AFTERNOONS"? HE TEXTED ME BACK AND SAID " YES".

I WAITED AND TEXED HIM BACK AND SAID" WHAT ARE YOU DOING"?
HE TEXTED ME BACK AS SAID "Y?!" I WAS STUNNED BUT IT WAS THE WAY HE SAID IT.

I TEXED HIM BACK AND SAID " I JUST ASKED"? HE TEXTED ME BACK AND SAID " GO AHEAD AND BE HAPPY WITH ROB"?
I WAS SHOCKED. INSTEAD OF ME GETTING MAD AS THE OLD ME WOULD HAVE A MONTH AGO, I USED THE WORD OF GOD AND I BINDED THE ENEMY IN JESUS NAME.

HE TEXTED ME BACK AND TOLD ME TO " GO TO HELL"! I JUST STARTED PLEADING THE BLOOD AND TEXTED HIM "OK" THEN HE TEXTED ME " DONT CALL ME OR TEXT ME AGAIN"! I TEXTED HIM BACK "OK"
ALL THE WHILE PRAISING GOD AND BINDING THE DEVIL.

I LEFT IT ALONE AND CONTINUED ON STUDYING MY HOMEWORK. HE TEXTED ME BACK 15 MINS LATER AND SAID " I LOVED YOU ONCE AND YOU WOULD NOT LET ME LOVE YOU".

I TEXED HIM BACK USING THE WORD OF GOD AGAIN AND TELLING THAT WILL STILL LET HIM LOVE ME AND THAT I STILL LOVE HIM.

HE CALLED ME AND TOLD ME THAT HE WAS GOING TO THE UPPEROOM AND THE HE WANTS TO GO BACK TO CHURCH.

SO YOU SEE I TELL YOU WHEN I SAID THAT GOD HAS CHANGED ME DURING THIS SPERATION, HE REALLY HAS. IF IT HAD BEEN THREE WEEKS AGO HEARING HIM TELL ME TO GO TO HELL? IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ON! BUT NO I FELT IN MY SPRIT TO HANDLE THIS IN A DIFFRENT MATTER AND NOW I SEE HOW MUCH THE WORD OF GOD REALLY CAN TURN A SITIATION AROUND.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE AND PATIENCE IN ANSWERING MY POST.

HE SAID THAT WE ARE GOING TO TAKE OUR TIME AND INCLUDE JESUS IN OUR MARRIAGE MORE THEN WE ARE GOING TO GET OUR OWN HOUSE TOGERTHER AND STAY TOGETHER. BUT I KNOW THAT IS GOING TO TAKE JESUS FOR THIS WORK AND NOT JUST OUR WORDS.

WHEN MY HUSBAND AND I GET BACK TOGETHER, IM GOING TO USE WHAT GOD HAS TAUGHT ME AND NEVER LEAVE MY HUSBAND AGAIN.

GOD IS GOOD!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

That's wonderful news - but you are still going to need the help of a counselor to help the two of you sort through your junk. Without the help, wisdom, guidance and accountabilty - I can guarantee you, that it will be literally impossible to get your marriage back on track.

alannah · Newbie Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 20

OH YES I AGREE. WE HAVE ALREADY CALLED THE CHURCH AND MADE A APPOINTMENT FOR SUNDAY AFTERNOON AT OUR CHURCH AFTER SERVICE. SO YES WE ARE GOING TO DO EVERYTHING THAT WE DID NOT DO THE FIRST TIME AROUND AND THAT IS CONSULT GOD AND PUT GOD FIRST.

GOD BLESS YOU1

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