Husband wants "time and space"

g8rfan_99 · Newbie Joined: 28 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

My husband and I have been married for 5 years and dated for 4 1/2 years. We have always been a very funloving couple...or at least I thought we were. This past weekend, my husband spung on me that he wasn't sure if we were going to work out...he needed time and space to think about what he wanted. He wasn't sure if he wanted to married, to grow old with me or to have children with me. He said that he has thought a lot about being alone and he is ok with it. Wow...what a shock that was to me! Just the week before we were discussing the purchase of a new car, where we were going to open up a franchise we have had our eye on for a while, and if we move are the schools good for kids! And, now I'm staying at my mother's house while he gets his space.

So, just a little background...I said we were a funloving couple...and we are. We are definitely each others best friend. And, in addition to that we are lovers. What more could you want in a marriage. Well, for me life has been great. But, I apparently don't carry around the baggage that he does. I grew up in a divorced home, but with very loving and nurturing parents. He grew up in divorced home where he saw abuse and neglect - his brother was the chosen child...he was not. And, though today he would stand in front of you and say it doesn't bother him...it does. I feel like I know how to love unconditionally and I do...but he doesn't know how to take that love or give that love b/c he has never had it before from anyone.

So, with that being said, my first question of why he needed time and space was "is there someone else?" He assured me there wasn't...however, the very next day, I found out that there was a "friend". But it gets heavier than that, he actually lied to me and told me he was going to visit his very ill father, when in fact, he was going to visit her - halfway across the country. Of course, after I found the boarding pass for the plane, he fessed up and then told me the whole story.

He said that he was curious about his feelings for her and he had to explore them. Once he arrived at his destination and they spent time together, he realized that the curious feelings were no longer there, that he didn't feel this attraction to her...or at least that's what he's telling me. I asked him if he slept with her, did he kiss her, did he hold her hand...and to each question it was "no, it wasn't like that at alll. It was very awkward." I asked him if he wore his wedding band and he said he did...she knows that he his married. Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention is that he met this girl on a mission trip with his nursing school 8 years ago and on-and-off they have kept in touch. But not until about 2 months ago did they begin talking more often.

He has told me that him wanting his space and time to think has nothing to do with her...it is just a big coincidence that it has happened at the same time. And, he said he knows what it looks like and he isn't going to try to convince me that it's not that but he is being honest when he says that temptation is just a small piece of the puzzle.

What he is really struggling with is whether or not he wants to married...not just to me but to anyone...ever. And, this isn't such a far cry from who he is. When we were dating we had a very insightful talk one night where he told me that he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to be married or have children...but if he did, it would be with me. I told him that I know it's hard for him to experience unconditional love, but I have that for him and that I would wait for him b/c I knew he was the one. Well, that talk opened him up. Our relationship grew a lot stronger and a year and a half later, we were engaged and then married.

So, now he his telling me this again...and its not so easy this time. It's not just a breakup it would be a divorce. And, though we don't have children a divorce is never easy.

After he told me everything...and exactly how he felt. I told him that I wasn't willing to give up. That I got married to stay married...I made a promise to him and to God...and I wasn't going back on my word. And, he understood. I told him that I wanted to go to counseling and at first he was hesitant, but then he agreed to it b/c he felt that he at least owed it to me. But I don't think he wants to work on the marriage b/c he still questions whether he wants to be married.

So, we went to our 1st session today. And, I feel like he got a lot out of it. The session wasn't focused so much on our relationship b/c honestly, the relationship wasn't so bad. It focused on him and how things in his past have enabled the behavior he portrays today and the baggage he holds onto and brings into our marriage. I felt that the counselor was getting through to him...there were several times he would say, "No, that doesn't bother me" and then he would begin sobbing...obviously he did bother him. So, I know there are feelings there...I just think he is scared to show them, to be vulnerable to me again.

So, I guess my question is how do I help him? I've given him space and we are seeing a christian counselor...but does anyone have any insight? I struggle with how we are going to get through this. Because right now he is so focused on himself that he doesn't even see our marriage. And, I don't know why he isn't putting any value to what he has with me.

He did tell me that he has prayed about the situation and he has asked God to help give him clarity on what to do. And, I too have prayed that God will give him clarity and give me strength and show him that marriage is a gift and we should hold on to what we have.

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

As I was reading through the beginning of your post, my first thought was "there is someone else." As I finished reading, you confirmed that.

Usually someone wants their "space" because they have become emotionally attached or physically attached to someone else.

g8rfan_99 · Newbie Joined: 28 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

Thank you for your words of wisdom. You have confirmed what I've felt and how I need to handle things. I knew that I had to give this up to God...and I have completely. I understand that I have no control...it is all up to Him.

Do you have any suggestions on books or scripture that I could give to my husband to read for insight into recognizing how important it is to keep a marriage in tact?

Oh, about his Christianity. He is a Christian. However, I wouldn't say that we live the life we should. We were attending church pretty regulary...but didn't have church friends or mentors that we could look to. However, I have asked people/couples that I am friends with to pray for us. I hope that the power of prayer works and he realizes that our marriage is worth saving.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

You are welcome -

Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn

and for you... Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Ethridge.

Also, Power of a Praying Wife and Power of a Praying Husband by Stormie O'Martian.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

One more thought as I read through your post -

Separation is a tricky thing and often is a precursor to divorce without a very specific plan of action and lots of accountability. So, I'm concerned for you that you are apart right now without a "plan" in place.

Here's some great tips for you that are on Growthtrac -
http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/separation-guidelines-t854.html

g8rfan_99 · Newbie Joined: 28 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

Well, last night I talked with my husband and he finally realized that he was having an emotional affair with someone else. I told him that we needed to have boundaries for our time apart and he agreed. He knows that I can't wait forever. However, step number one was to end the emotional affair. And, he agreed to do that...no more phone calls, text messages, or emails...he will cut off all communication with her, so that he can focus on us. He did tell me that he still needed time and I agreed to it as long as the affair ended and that we put boundaries on the time. Again, he agreed. We have decided to reevaluate the situation at or after our next counseling session, next Tuesday. I feel like we have made a huge leap from where we were a couple of days...but I don't want to get my hopes up. I continue to pray that God holds him close and that He strengthens me. And, so far so good! Wow...the power of prayer!

Yesterday, before I met with my husband, I prayed all the way over to the house. I asked God to speak to him through me, to take complete control of my tongue and mouth...and He did. And, it seemed to get through to my husband. It definitely didn't wash away all that has been there and some communication issues we now know we need to deal with, but he opened up to me and was receptive to working on things.

So, thank you for your guidance and your prayers. And, I ask that you continue to pray for me, my husband and our marriage. We still have a long way to go...but we will get there with God!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

Wow!

I'm so glad to see him opening up to you and that he is recognizing where he is emotionally with other women.

I will continue to lift you and your marriage up in prayer.

jesuslovesyou · Junior Member Joined: 24 Apr 2006 Posts: 36

I am praying for you both. First advise...move back in. Marriage takes 24 hours of work and he can still have his "space", but you need to be there and he needs to see and be with you. I have been married over 20 years and no it has not been easy. He is from a divorced/abusive home and I am from a loving Christian (but not perfect) family and I know there was lots of baggage and his way of dealing with it is to walk away and hide from it... He has had an emotional affair and even living together there were many years when we were not really together and I never should have let it happen. I am glad you are going to counseling. My husband would never go and I know it would have helped us at least with our communication. Other suggestions - spend time together doing the fun things you like to do. Tell him you don't want a divorce, don't believe in divorce and that is not an option, so lets work on how we have a good marriage...let's start with how to be good friends and go on from there. I don't mean to sound preachy, but divorce and avoiding the work of marriage seems to be too easy for so many people that it bothers me and God didn't intend for you or your husband to be alone.

Prayers continue

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