Need advice on getting too involved with in-laws!!!

LuvChrist · Newbie Joined: 17 Aug 2007 Posts: 1

Hi all,
I am new to this forum and this seems like a good place to get advice nad just vent!!!

I got married about 2 years ago to the nicest sweetest man. After marriage I've been living with him AND his mother. His siblings live close by as well. Over the course of our marriage, I've noticed that they are very dependant on him. I'm sure they love him but I haven't really seen any reciprocation of help for their end. Recently, a business colleague and his wife met us for dinner. We developed a nice repport. Unfortunatley one of his sisters were with us and met the couple as well. After the meeting, she became very friendly with the couple and developed her own rapport with them. We recieved an email from this business colleague a few days later informing us that his sister went ahead and made a few statements about my husband on 2 seperate occassions to them which the colleague considered to be disrespectful. My husband has yet to approach her about this. Meanwhile, she writes to me via email as if everything is fine BUT I feel torn between a need to be fake/nice to her and my instinct to really lay it into her. I have been praying and asking God to give me the patience and control over my emotions that I need.
SO, my question at what point do I step in and express to her my disappointment at her? Should I let it go and not get involved and consider it his problem???

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Love is freely given without expectation of gain.

1 Corinthians 13: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

According to that...quit keeping score. Love your husband and rejoice when his family does something good for him or the two of you, but don't expect it. Don't expect him to withhold his giving nature.

Take the time this evening to talk with your spouse about how you feel that his family treats him. Do not expect him to change his opinion right now and don't hold it against him or his family. You are farther from the situation than he is and it can be painful when a spouse is critical of birth families, especially in the first years of marriage.

This is your time for building a relationship with him. I would be more concerned about the fact that you have his family living in your home or you are living in their home. Clear boundaries are required for this to work.

In Genesis 2:

23 The man said,
"This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,
for she was taken out of man."

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

This is right up front in the Bible which indicates to me that it is an important concept. If you can't leave family behind at this moment, because mutual support is needed or some reasonable concern, it is understandable, but make sure that the two of you are building a life together that will eventually lead to the two of you establishing your own home.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

Go to your husband and discuss the situation. Let him know that because of things his sister said about him, that you are deeply hurt by her actions.
That you love him and hate to see someone talk about him in this manner.

Ask him if he is bothered by this. If not, then you have to hand it over to God and let it go. Your husband is the one who needs to deal with his sister. Also, what may be disrespectful to the business colleague, may be banter/teasing between your husband and his sister. It is all a matter of perspective. You husband may not be offended by the comments.

And...future dinner engagements with business colleagues, should not include his sister.

Family dynamics are tricky. And, what the two of you need to establish is a united front together. Your marriage is the most important thing after God. Family comes further down the line. If family takes precedent over your marriage, then there is an issue of failure to "leave and cleave" and it would be important to speak with a pastor or counselor about these issues. Over time, it can and will build resentment if it is not dealt with.

If at all financially possible for you and your husband, it is important to establish a goal/timeline to move out of mom's home and cut the emotional/financial apron strings from family. A little distance is a good thing - because your business stays your business without family involvement.

There are two books I would like to recommend to you by Dr. Henry Cloud -

Boundaries is one.
Boundaries in Marriage is the other.

I think they will be tremendously helpful .

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 367 Location: NJ

Just to expand on the good advice given above, I suggest that when you talk to your husband, you make it clear that you are bringing up the subject because you care about him, not because you are trying to be critical of his family.

The family dynamic you described is concerning. Your husband will likely not see it as clearly as you do, so some patience and prayer are required. Your goal should definitely be to live independently.

	Growthtrac Community Forum Index -> Emotional Needs	All times are GMT - 6 Hours
Page 1 of 1