Depressed and confused

sheshell · Newbie Joined: 11 Dec 2006 Posts: 10

Everythings fine now, after he calmed down, we were able to calmly talk it through. I know he still doesn't get it, but since he won't go to counseling and I want more than anything for my marriage to work, because I do not beleive in divorce, I am going to stop nagging him and let him go and pray hard that God will change his heart so that we can have a wonderful marriage. It will be hard not to say whats on my mind because that is the kind of person I am, but I would rather keep quiet, than go through what we went throught his weekend, I really thought he was going to leave me. In the end he says he is nothing without me and he loves me so much, I think it's just harder for men to make the sacrifices that women make everyday. I will pray for patience and strength to allow God to work in my husbands life.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

I am glad that the situation has settled down. I pray that your marriage will improve.

A main cause of conflict in a relationship is that one or both persons believe that a desire is not being met. In some cases, the desire is healthy and Godly, but in other cases it is not. What often happens is that we have desires that start out harmlessly enough, but they become idols in our lives. That means we place them above even God himself. It happens so subtly that we do not always realize it has happened.

Men, especially, can have their hobbies turn into idols. I like cars and motorcycles myself, so I understand his passion. However, God clearly calls us to place him first, then our wives must be second.

Based on what you said (which is one side of the story) it does seem like your husband has his idols that he has placed above God and above his marriage. This is a sin, and you are doing the right thing by bringing it to his attention, and by praying for him. If his sin is adversely affecting his relationship with God, and with you, on an ongoing basis, then you cannot just let it go, pray, and hope for the best. As others have pointed out to you, your resentment will grow. More importantly, God wants you to gently correct your husband, but you must do it in a way that shows him you are beside him, not above him.

All of us are sinners; all of us are selfish to some extent, and you must communicate to your husband your own role in this.

So the question becomes how can you most effectively resolve this conflict with your husband. The approach you have been trying has not worked out well, despite your best intentions. To get some better ideas on how to resolve this with your husband, I strongly recommend a book called The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande. You can get it inexpensively, such as here http://www.amazon.com/Peacemaker-Biblical-Resolving-Personal-Conflict/dp/0801064856/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-3442134-7995867?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1185809535&sr=8-1

This book has some guidelines for when to confront someone's sin (e.g., it hurts his relationship with God and with other people), and how to do it. I think it would be really helpful for your situation.

Ideally, your husband should go to counseling with you. If he will not go, however, you would still benefit from going yourself.

Your husband must also realize that he needs to seriously re-order his priorities as a husband and father. For this, I recommend The Exemplary Husband: A Biblical Perspective by Stuart Scott. It might be a while before he is willing to read this, and willing to have an accountability partner, and that is where your prayers come in.

Again, I pray that your marriage will be blessed.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

Just one more thought on this. A prolonged conflict is usually evidence that a sin is being committed, based on James 4:1

kaycee · Newbie Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 5

Time is our greatest gift. We spend time where our heart is. I am sadden that your husband isn't sharing his time with you. I honestly prefer to be with my wife and daughters more than anything else in the world. That is where my priorities are. How do you change his priorities? You can't but God can. Hopefully you both are active in your Christian walk. You see God's word tells a man to LOVE his wife as Christ loved the church and that is a lot of loving!!!

sheshell · Newbie Joined: 11 Dec 2006 Posts: 10

Thank you for your thoughts. Our church has started this program that is for all the men in the community called Black Pastors United. It is for teaching young men about priorities in the family and church. It just started so hopefully God can work through this program and show him that I'm not just trying to take away all his time, but I just would like him to spend more time with us. Maybe hearing it from someone else will help.

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