Godly advice needed on husband's "friend" from work...

kat · Newbie Joined: 19 Jul 2007 Posts: 4

First off, I'd like to say I have been blessed with a wonderful, Spirit-filled, man of God who will be starting schooling to go into the ministry this fall. My husband and I have been married for a year now, and it has been great. We love each other very much, and also love the Lord, but we both also struggled with sexual immorality before we were saved/married.

A few months ago my husband got a new job. At this job, he met a woman who is our age (mid-20's). He said she has a boyfriend, she knows my husband is married, etc etc so there is nothing to be concerned about. He also said he has talked to her about Jesus.

While I think it is great that he witnessed to her, I do have some doubts in my mind. She apparently was quitting her job at the company, and as soon as she put her notice in she got fired. My husband had given her his number when he found out she was putting her notice in, in case "she and her boyfriend" ever wanted to hang out with both of us. So last night, she called his phone, left a lengthy message, gave him her number, and asked him to call so they could talk and she could fill him in on why she got fired, and what happened with that whole situation. She also did mention that she hoped "you and your wife are doing well." My husband listened to the message in front of me (so I heard most of it) but also offered to let me hear it if I wanted to.

Maybe I am just overreacting, but I feel this warning signal going off in my stomach. I know that most "affairs" probably start out as innocent friendships. I don't think in a million years my husband would have an affair, but the fact that we are human and the devil would love to tear us apart needs to be taken seriously.

I don't want my husband to think I am some crazy woman. But I am also slightly uncomfortable with the fact that a woman I know nothing about has my husband's cell phone number and can call him and talk to him anytime, and I might not even be aware that they have talked. No matter how much I trust him, I DO NOT trust that he is immune to temptation. No one is.

Do I talk to my husband about how I feel about this, or just forget about it? How do I approach it, and what is appropriate for me to ask of him? I don't want him to feel like I don't trust him, but I also don't want him to end up talking to this woman too much, and I would like to be informed at the times he does talk to her, if not present and home when the call is being made.

Your advice and help is very much appeciated!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2162 Location: Chicago

webacus · Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 9:41 pm Post subject:

Hi Kat

You are right to feel that way; and you should speak
with your husband.

As 'right' as it might be for your husband to care about
this woman spiritually, he is entering dangerous territory.

As this woman confides in him, she will become vulnerable
and could mis-interpret your husband's actions.

You need to talk with him.

Perhaps he can hand her off to a female counselor or mentor.

Jan · Newbie Joined: 21 Jul 2007 Posts: 1

Hi Kat,
Your husband should RUN from this friend. If she needs help you can talk to her and advise her. Your husband should put your needs way above anyone else's! Discuss this with him ASAP.Tell him how you feel and ask him to break off any contact with this woman

webacus · Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 7:34 am Post subject:

Well said.

koopa · Newbie Joined: 26 Jun 2007 Posts: 4

You definately need to talk to him and let him know exactly what you are feeling.

My husband has numerous women "friends" that he calls and texts all of the time. I do not like it at all. It is very dangerous, or at least it is for my husband. He had an emotional online affair that turned into personal phone calls and such 4 years ago, now dealing with a sexual affair with one of his work "friends". I sat back and had these gut feelings and never said anything about it. I finally got up the nerve and checked his phone and found out the truth.

Please discuss your feelings with him before something happens! In your case, nothing may come of it. I am just speaking from my experience. It is a very, very hard place to recover from! DAILY struggle!

kat · Newbie Joined: 19 Jul 2007 Posts: 4

Thanks so much for the advice guys. I actually ended up talking to him right after I got home from work, the same day that I posted this thread. I checked for replies, there were none yet, so I just went ahead and did what I felt!

After she left that message, I was confused on what to do and found this forum. Before I brought this stuff up to him though (but AFTER posting here), she called YET AGAIN, even though he had not returned her phone call. This time she didn't leave a message. He wasn't even sure who was calling, but I said the number was the one she left for him on voice mail yesterday. He didn't remember, but I told him that "I'm a woman, trust me, I remember these things. That is the number." 2 times in 2 days! She must've really wanted to talk to him!

I then brought everything up. He explained that he labeled the number with both of our names when he gave it to her, so she has no idea it was his cell (this is probably why she didn't leave another message- because she figured it was the house phone, the wife wouldn't like that!), that he gave it to her so that she and her boyfriend could do a double date with us, etc etc. I don't think he thought any further past that- he said he honestly did not think of it in the terms that I was thinking of it in, and he totally understood my concern. I don't think he thought in a million years this woman would call him to chat. I think I can say if he had foreseen her calling to talk, he would not have given the number out. He said in his mind it was "She and her boyfriend need Jesus...they can hang out with us and we can witness..."

Anyways, after talking about it I told him he could go ahead and call her back to find out why she got fired if he wanted to (with me present). He called in the same room as me while I made dinner. I was not prepared for how AWKWARD this thing was going to be!!! With each minute that went by I was getting more and more irked listening to this girl jabber on and on to MY husband with him every so often going "oh" or "yeah". I literally felt sick. It was horrible.

I don't think I'll have to worry about anything like this ever happening again. Immediately after he hung up, he said..."That was really weird...", came over to me, hugged me, and apologized.

We talked about the whole thing for about an hour, and about boundaries, about how hearing him talk to her made me feel, and about how...not good...he felt talking to her while I stood nearby cooking his dinner, and all sorts of other things. It brought about really good conversation, actually. Tonight after I read all these replies I told my husband about writing on this forum, and showed him my post and all the replies. He said he wants me to feel like I can always talk to him about anything without worrying that he'll think I'm crazy! Smile

One more thing...one of the things that really did strike me as odd, and I pointed this out to him, is that this woman (who is supposedly "happily" settled with her live-in boyfriend) felt the need to call him to talk about why she left work. I told him that under no circumstances would I call a married man that I had worked with who gave me his number (I actually might even misinterpret this, depending on the kind of woman I am...). I think (though this opinion I didn't share) that this woman is like many women- she's keeping options open in case anything happens with her current relationship. I know women do this sometimes because before I got saved I was one of those women!!!

So hopefully that is the last of this, and I am glad this lesson was learned early in our marriage. Of course she still has his number (which I still don't like!), but I trust him to tell me if she calls again, and we have an agreement that he isn't going to answer it if she does.

Thank you again to all of you for your wisdom! I truly do appreciate your taking the time to respond. I know reading the replies you all wrote really hit the point home with my husband, and me as well!!!

God bless!!!

kaycee · Newbie Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 5

In our book "A Forever Love Story, Surviving Trials in Marriage" we discuss how men and women think differently. Also we discuss how each spouse needs to listen to those little voices or that "warning signal going off in (your spouse's) stomach". You see if I had listened to my wife's "warning signal" we would have avoided our trial with porn and had she listened to my "warning signal" about past boyfriends remaining in her life she wouldn't have had an affair.

I don't believe any one is "immune to temptation". On the up side he is discussing this friend with you. That is how I avoided temptations and used my wife as my best weapon against straying: I always told her when temptation was made available to me. As a cop I had lots of opportunities. But by telling her it kept me from straying.

Keep the communications open and encourage your husband to keep his distance as best as he can with this woman.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2162 Location: Chicago

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