CALL 911 I AM PISSED AND CONFUSED

faithlove · Newbie Joined: 04 Jan 2007 Posts: 10

Hey I am sooo shocked I was on my home computer about 20 mins ago and instead of logging in under my screen I used my husband's because he had some pics on his screen from our weekend vacation I wanted to send via email to some family. Anyway I found at least 10-15 pics of naked women as well as women in the numerous sex acts.

This just happened, so I am still in shock but I did call and tell him, he listened to my findings then he said he would call me back(still no call).

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo shocked about this. My husband and I are very close and have a healthy sex life I thought. We have only been married going on 3 years, but I thought we were moving forward in Christ, love, and our careers. He even always tells me his strong point is that he doesn't get tempted like other men. and the only woman he looks at is me. We just got home from a weekend family vacation at the beach, and had a great time. So, I don't even now what to think about this I'm confused I heard people talk about porn issues, but I dont understand it. Is this cheating? What should I do? Should I go off on him, leave what? He is at work now,(he is a personal trainer) should I be gone with our 1 year old when he gets home? I'm confused? I dont know how I'm supposed to feel. I just feel confused? Crying or Very sad

FaithFullyLiving · Newbie Joined: 09 Jul 2007 Posts: 13

First of all - Take a deep breath! He didn't cheat on you. He looked at a photo of another women... Really it's pretty normal for men to "look"... not that I condone porn or anything like that... It is a sin for a man or woman for that matter, to lust after another, other then their spouse. So, NO, he should NOT be just "let off the hook"... He needs to know that you feel it's wrong and how it made you feel inside.. "betrayed", etc.

I would give him a chance to explain, listen without accusing, then "calmly" tell him how it makes you feel and that it is not allowed in your "christian marriage"..... and leave it at that.

If he does it again, then you can be MORE upset.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

Understandable to be very upset and hurt.

To up and leave with your child is overreacting.

Does this happen in many Christian homes and with many Christian men, yes it does.

Is it OK - no.

Is it a sin - yes. Looking at another woman lustfully with your eyes is committing adultery in your heart.

Can you work through this as a couple? Absolutely!
Should you dismiss this as a one time occurence? No. It is probably not the first time.

Will you need outside help? - Yes.
You will need to discuss this with your pastor or a Christian counselor.

OK - breath deeply and pray. Lord, I need to give this situation to you. Lord, I need your help to be patient. Lord, I need your wisdom for handling this with my husband. Lord, bring people into our lives for accountability with this issue.

It's time to put porn filters on your computer.

Here's some information on Growthtrac and there are lots of articles too.
http://www.growthtrac.com/special/pornography/

Also, please pick up the book called Every Heart Restored by Stephen Arterburn. It specifically addresses the issues of sexual sin/pornography and how you can walk beside your man through this.

OK... deep breath.

When he gets home. Give him and opportunity to explain. Hear him out and listen to his heart. From there... you will know what your next steps need to be.

faithlove · Newbie Joined: 04 Jan 2007 Posts: 10

Well, before he got home he finally called me back on the phone and started talking casually asking me what I was doing and how my day went. I was upset, so I told him I didn't have time for games and he needed to tell me what was going on.

Well, again I was so shock he said he has been looking at porn since he was a teenager (26 now) and that he had been looking at at least 4 times a month since we had been married, every time he was surfing the web and got bored. He said he had been wanting to tell me but never felt comfortable enough. He said he would look at it when I was in class finishing up my BA and our lilttle boy was sleep. I was so mad because I always ask him straight forward questions like, "Have you ever looked at porn?" etc.

I didn't really handle it well I blew up and threatened to leave, because he kept saying stuff like, "I understand how you feel, but it isn't that big of a deal" "I wanted to tell you, but I just never got around to it" Plus I'm just so mad because for the whole 3 years I have been so transparent with him. I mean if a guy even trys to flirt with me I tell him what happen from front to end. I told him when I would see old boyfriends at college. I would tell him everything what I said, what they said in detail. A few months back a coulpe different old guy friends had contacted me through my email and I told my husbandm about it then I replied to their emails and left it at that. It was two guys from years ago about (3-5) and my husband knew about all of the emails. Yet, today he uses that as a defense to the porn. He said it was inappropriate to keep in touch with old boyfriends and that I was emotionally cheating.

I think it is inappropriate to keep in touch with a ex on consistent basis, but a couple emails after several years? What do you think, but I just think he was trying to make me feel just as bad as he was feeling. I have no sexual, emotional, nor physical connection to no one or picture but my husband.

So, we only have one car and when he got home for a break at about 3 today I wasn't sure if he was going back to work for evening sessions (but didn't care cause I had asked several times night before for his schedule). So, I left with the car and he did have a sesssion that he missed. He was more furious about missing his training session than telling me about the Porn. He had forgot about that half and juststorm off calling me a hyprocrite saying I cheated through emails.
So now he is gone wont be back until late tonight and he has flipped this big huge mile stone on me. I feel porn can and does turn into physical cheating in real life. Suggestion to a Thought to an act to a life style. I know PORN TURNS INTO CHEATING IF IT ISN'T DEALT WITH!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

First , your boundaries were off balance when you started corresponding with old male friends. He has a point. If you told him about it and asked him to join you in watching the e-mails going back and forth that is one thing. If you kept this information from him as a secret, that is another. Think about his for a moment - would you want him corresponding with any ex-female friends?

But, there is a difference. What he has is an addiction. He can't stop it. That's where the difference lies.

The issue of his pornography is on a completely different level. This is visually cheating, emotionally cheating, sexually cheating and in many instances physically cheating (thru masturbation). He's being doing it in secret for many years and several times a month.

He's been caught. He's fighting back. Your reaction is understandable, but it's time to calm down and stop the need for getting even because he has caused you pain.

It's time to say, I'm sorry and we need to get help for this.

Sorry, I don't see

faithlove · Newbie Joined: 04 Jan 2007 Posts: 10

Sam I am always willing to admit when I am wrong. And now that you explain it like that I understand his point of view on the correspondents to my ex even though I had innocent intentions. Anyway here he comes I'm going to apologize and hopefully he'll read this too.

faithlove · Newbie Joined: 04 Jan 2007 Posts: 10

Well, last night I did apologize for being aggressive and full of rage. But the apology was soon in vain because he still was bringing up my the emails from my ex. I agreed with him that the email were inappropriate, but it was not the same as looking at porn online. My intentions were not for sexual, or emotional gratification when I had this brief interaction with ex. They had contacted me and I innocently responded that was that. Plus he knew about everything that was said. He just wants me to have some blame in this. Which I did tell him and agree that doors like that should stay closed in a marriage and it wont happen again.

He kept saying what he had done was not that big of a deal and he wasn't going to let anybody including me tell him about himself. He even said well now that you know I feel relieve so let's just got to bed and put this behind us. He didn't want to get into the details when I asked. So I let him know the details.. "You looked at naked pics of women's breast, vagina, pics of women sucking other men's penis and pics of men having sex with these women. All of whom where not your wife" i told him he doesn't have the priveledge to decide he wants to get off sexually with someone new, I am his wife the sex starts and stops with me if he couldn't handle it he shouldn't have made those vows.

He got upset and told me not to put it like that. There is no other way to put it though. I think he believes I have a on going relationship with other men and I just dtold him a small portion. But I am not like that I dont have some act that I am trying to hide from him I am transparent that is the reason he even knows about my ex's I have told him about everyone and everything major that has ever happen to me that I can remember and I know he may benefit from knowing. That is probally the problem he thinks because he's been lying and withholding the truth I am doing that also. Please I dont have time to lie and I'm not perfect, but I can not be fake and phony to the man I am sharing my life, body, and soul with.

My beautiful husband who I adore and thought knew everything about (at least major stuff) has lied to me for 3 years. There is no freaking sugar coating that! We has talked about so many things including sex and sexuality and he never once told me. Infact I remember asking him directly because he is a personal trainer, "Have you ever got stimulated (erect) by any woman you've seen since we've been married? He said with conviction, "Abosoutley not I only see you and your body" We even together looked at the 'Top Ten things guys want women to know about them' on this website, and one of the staments was that men are visual creatures and they are tempted by what they see. He read that one and told me, 'I 'm glad I dont suffer like most men I never had a problem with that I am strong mentaly.'

So yes the looking at other women hurts me, but the freakin LIES, deceit, and manipulation is what has me feeling betrayed and sooo hurt. He is my closest friend and confidant and look what he's been lying about.
Last night I tossed and turned the whole night and eventually got up 4am. Sin is sin but some things just cause more of a tearing in your spirit!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

He's taking the focus off of himself and putting it on you.

This is not trivial... it is a HUGE deal!

It is bringing another person into your bedroom. And scripture tells us to keep the marriage bed pure. This means purity of the eyes as well as the body and the heart.

His eyes are not pure and your marriage bed is not pure when he looks at pornography.

faithlove · Newbie Joined: 04 Jan 2007 Posts: 10

Last night he talked to me more and he further explained that this was something that was a trend for him and he had no emotional connection at all to the act it was just an act he got use to doing since boyhood. Later on in the night we made up and he told me he would do what ever it takes to regain my trust.

He mentioned his shoulder was hurting so he wanted to get a massage. I told him I didn't feel comfortable with him getting a massage by a woman until I digested everything. He said ok but then today he comes in and tells me he got a massage by a woman. I felt like he totally disregarded what I had asked him not to do. I am here trying to keep my trust intact for him and the very next day he does this. He claims it wasn't about me he just needed to get a massage, but I told him it was about me beacause I didn't feel comfortable with that yet. My husband is starting to drive me insane, He is totally selfish and self -centered to be doing these things. Marriage is supposed to be about self-sacrifice and it seems like so far I'm the only one sacrificing.

He doesn't want to commit to counseling for the Porn (or anything else)and he thinks I'm just complaining about something new. He doesn't want to commit to going to church either on a regular basis, this is driving me crazy. With only one car he tries to control the situation if I try to take the car and go to church(he is off on weekends and he wants to be able to use the car if he chooses not to go to church).I cant even ignore him and have a separate life, because I stay at home with our baby and have no car.

I just dont know waht I am supposed to do anymore. I just dont want things to escalate and I dont want to be one of these couples who either get a divorce, have a unhealthy relationship, or just coexist with eachother.

faithlove · Newbie Joined: 04 Jan 2007 Posts: 10

what do u think about this?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

faithlove · Newbie Joined: 04 Jan 2007 Posts: 10

kat · Newbie Joined: 19 Jul 2007 Posts: 4

When I was engaged to my husband, in our pre-marriage counseling session the pastor urged the soon-to-be-wife to ask the soon-to-be-husband if they struggled with lust/pornography. On the drive home from our session, I asked, not expecting the answer I got. My fiance admitted to looking at pornography on the internet, and said that he thought if he relieved himself "that way" he would be more in control around me, and not bring me into sin. As you can imagine I didn't think this was very "thoughtful" of him. I was hurt and felt like he cheated on me, definitely. He knew it was wrong, and agreed to stop. We got a filter for his computer, were married soon after, and things are good. I have access to his computer anytime I want, and the filter blocks anything even close to pornography. I also ask him on occasion if everything is still good in that area, or if he is struggling.

Anyways, the reason I am telling you all of this is because when I first found out what was going on, I was searching all over for help. I found this amazing site (I am too new a member so they won't allow me to post a link). Go to the google search page, type in "settingcaptivesfree" all one word, it will be the first link that comes up in the search.

They offer a FREE online course called "The Way of Purity" that teaches you to be free from pornography addiction, sexual impurity, etc. Maybe if your husband won't agree to counseling, he might agree to work through this course? It is a 60-day course, with one session per day via their website/email. He will have a mentor that will read his workbook answers and be available to him for support. You can also be sent a copy of his workbook answers if he will allow you to. Just a thought. They ALSO have a course called "A United Front" which is a 60-day course for the SPOUSE of the person with the sexual issue.

My prayers are with you, and no matter what don't stop praying for him and your family!

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