I am the abuser

hopmedic · Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 5:44 am Post subject: I am the abuser

My wife and I have been in marital counseling for over six months now, and we've only gotten worse than what we started out at. We are constantly arguing, yelling, screaming, and I'm using intimidation, defiance, sarcasm, not letting her leave the room, and the like against her. Two weeks ago, she finally moved out. She should have left me long ago...

I finally see that through the marriage counseling I have been trying to fix her instead of me - seeing our lack of a sex life as the problem instead of a symptom. Now I see it. Now I want to fix me. I want to be the man that she thought she was marrying. The problem is that every time we talk, even short phone conversations, somehow turn ugly. I have seen the counselor one time since she left, and had to cancel last week because something came up. I will see him again on Wednesday. I have also seen a psychiatrist since then, and have started on Wellbutrin for depression.

I miss my wife so much that it affects everything I do or say. I want her so badly to just put her arms around me that I end up laying out a guilt trip, or worse - belittling her fears. I know this is wrong, and when I've done it, I hate myself for doing it, and have cried myself to sleep countless times these past weeks.

Does somebody have some tools I can use in the time I am waiting to see my counselor that can help me with getting rid of the past pain that I've gone through in our marriage, so I can start to look beyond that and be able to see what I really need to be seeing, rather than thinking of her and seeing nothing but missing her? Does anyone have suggestions that I can use to stop myself from being sarcastic, controlling, and the like?

I hate what I am right now, and I want to build up my wife, but every time I try to, I end up tearing her down some more. I want to throw away the old man, and become the new - the man that is fun to be with, that cares for his wife - AND SHOWS IT, the man that she feels safe to be with.

Can anybody out there help me??

Rich

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1947 Location: Chicago

How is your relationship with God? Would you call it lukewarm or warm and growing?

We seldom get to the place we are in without slow deliberate steps to separate ourselves from God each day.

What steps do you think you can take to walk closer to the Lord?

That is the answer to your predicament...

There are wonderful books I can recommend for your marriage -

Experiencing Christ Together by Neil T. Anderson
Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy and Karen Evans
Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs

For you -
Power of a Praying Husband by Stormie O'Martian

Read the book of Ephesians in the bible. It will help you to understand your role as a godly husband.

You cannot tear down and destroy a woman verbally and emotionally and expect her to be willing to come back for more.

Work on you for awhile with your counselor and find a spiritual mentor for 6 months to a year - whatever it takes to become emotionally and spiritually stronger. Without working on you and your issues, your marriage is not likely to survive. It is important for you to have spiritual and marital accountability with other Christian men - seek out a men's bible study or fellowship and develop these relationships. It's essential to your future.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 311 Location: NJ

You have to restore your wife's trust in you. She has reason not to trust you now, and you have to make changes to restore that trust.

Here are two books I have found helpful

The Exemplary Husband by Stuart Scott

Every Man's Marriage by Stoeker and Arterburn

Most importantly, you have to realize that you cannot change on your own. You have to surrender completely to God, and to the changes that He can and will make in you, if you let Him.

JoBets · Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 7:59 am Post subject: Reply to the abuser

I hate what I am right now, and I want to build up my wife, but every time I try to, I end up tearing her down some more. I want to throw away the old man, and become the new - the man that is fun to be with, that cares for his wife - AND SHOWS IT, the man that she feels safe to be with.

Can anybody out there help me??

Hi:

Are you in other counseling besides Christian? Or is your pastor educated in this field. So many times, Pastor's want to help, but some led a sheltered life. At least one Pastor I have in mind. He really can not help anyone who is abusive. He has no experience or nothing to compare it to. Did not go to school for anything other than Christian Study.

There is a low self esteem issue you have with yourself. If I were you, I would seek out a counselor to help you with those issues of control and jealousy. I am not a professional of any sort. But I had a relationship where the man was very abusive, very jealous, had the mind of a child, criticized every little thing I did, twisted my hands upward, checked my cell phone for numbers, clocked me coming home from the supermarket, cursed at me for no apparent reason, made up stories about me, called my employer to see what time EXACTLY I arrived at work, you can not believe what I went through.

This was the most awful experience in the entire world. I can not blame your wife if she does not want to speak to you. What evidence can you show your wife that you have changed? How can she trust you at this early time frame. SHE CAN'T and the timing is not right.

You really need therapy. All of this takes time. You have pushed her away yourself. You can not possibly expect her to want in and trust you right now.

Is there any type of Christian "camp" so to speak on being healed and become filled with the spirit? Are there support groups? Are the Elders in your church willing to sit with you every single day until you can really apprehend what you have done to your wife and your marriage? These are all good questions. What support system do you have in your church? If you don't have a support system, you need to find another church. A church where they are willing to help you repair yourself. You will have to dig deep down into your childhood.

You can not force your wife to come back. But through therapy and repair your "new self" if you will, will come flowing out of you, and she will see the changes. IF you are serious enough. This may take a very long time. Are you willing to wait? Is she worth it?

There are so many wonderful books out there as well. I read the "Marriage Check-up book". I loved the book.

Good luck to you.[/quote]

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

There are a number of articles that will help you, here on this website. Do the homework and answer the questions. It will at least straighten some things in your head and heart.

http://www.covenantkeepers.org/articles/index.htm

I would suggest the following:

I Don't Love You Anymore
Finding the Root of Marital Problems
What Causes Love to Die In Your Marriage

There are other really great resources, but these are pretty direct and Bible based.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1947 Location: Chicago

kat · Newbie Joined: 19 Jul 2007 Posts: 4

A good website to visit is the Healing House Network. I can't post the link here because I am too new of a member, they won't allow it. But if you go to a search page like google and enter "healing house" in the box, it will be the FIRST page to come up.

I know people that have gone through these restoration sessions, and God has done some amazing work in their lives.

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