How can I help my husband!??!?!

Josta · Newbie Joined: 18 Jul 2007 Posts: 3

My husband has been struggling with a lot of self doubt and depression lately.

There was an incident that happened at his job last October that was the "last straw" so to speak, that caused him to lose it. Since then he has just had one blow to his ego and self-image/self-esteem after another....He's not been able to find a job that makes up the income that he had that will still allow him to attend school full time (but I totally believe that he should finish school and that it's in God's will because we are not paying for a cent of it! It's all grants & scholarships!). He hates his current job, which pays him little better than peanuts. We are really struggling to stay afloat financially, as my job, though decent, is not enough to cover all of our expenses. I guess it's totally that whole hunter-gatherer-man instinct of "I have to provide", and he feels that he's not "doing his job" that way. It's made him question his self worth and abilities, and everything, really. I have done my very very best to be a loving, supportive wife, encouraging him, trying to love on him, doing my best to be the partner that God has intended me to be for him.

I noticed that he started to pull away from me several months ago, little by little, and I had no idea why.... I was so afraid when I asked him about it and he was not willing to reveal to me what the issue was. I thought "Oh no, is he having an affair? Is he struggling with issues of homosexuality (I wondered this because he had been pulling away in all ways - not wanting to be intimate with me at all....)? Does he not find me attractive any more?" I didn't know what to think, but that third was foremost in my mind, since I am about to have our second child (in August!), and my body has gone all soggy and chubby again. I finally managed to get him to talk with me about it this week, and (much to my relief) it was not any of those issues, but him just having major self doubts about nearly every aspect of his life. Still a lot to deal with - whether or not he should continue school, whether or not he should become a music minister, whether or not he should have gotten married, whether or not he should stay married (YIKES! This is the scariest one for me), how to deal with being mad at God for being dealt such a crappy hand in life lately, and now what to do about it & how to decide how he feels.

Again, I have done my best to encourage him, love him, and have been praying non-stop for him and us and our family for what seems like ages and ages. I just don't know what else to do for him, and I'm scared because I can't make the decisions for him. He has to figure it out for himself. He doesn't want to go to counseling because we can't afford it. He doesn't want to talk to any of the people we know about what he feels because he feels really awful/guilty about most of it - I think he's afraid of being judged or something, with me about to have our second kid, and him having doubts about whether he should even be married.

All in all, this is quite a trip-up for me. Besides this incident, I've felt that our relationship has been doing well. We've not had a perfect marriage (does such a thing even exist?), but I feel like we've been able to grow together, and towards God. We'll have our third anniversary in November.

Please pray for us - I feel like he is being open and honest with me and that we are still communicating well, but I feel that he's also walking on a knife's edge, decision-wise. Like I said, this is scary because I can't make his decisions for him. I feel like he is very vulnerable right now, especially because he is mad at God, and not in great communication with him right now. What else can I do????

Any advice anyone has, or resources, suggestions, whatever, would be much welcomed and appreciated! Thanks!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

SAM is absolutely right -- you should both seek counseling, and your husband should be evaluated for depression. Further, this is not the time to hesitate to talk to others and seek their help and support.

Josta, it sounds like you are doing what you should be doing to help your husband -- being selfless and supportive, keeping communication open, showing compassion and understanding. I really understand his self doubts because I was out of work for a year myself. It is humiliating and humbling.

Your husband has to keep faith that God will provide, and that this is all part of God's plan. Trusting God is the most important thing for him to do.

I am the sort of person who does not like to ask other people for help (but I am getting better in that area). As a practical matter, I found that when I was out of work and I asked people at my church to pray for me, there was another benefit besides the prayers. Asking for prayers is a form of networking -- it let's people know that you need a job, and they may know of something suitable. Eventually, I did find work from a brother at the church. It was not a great job, but it was something to help put food on the table. That is another lesson I learned -- humility. I took the job because, after praying, I thought it was what God wanted me to do. I was "overqualified" for this job, but I had to follow God's lead on taking it. God did reward me with a much better job a year later.

I will pray for you and your husband.

Josta · Newbie Joined: 18 Jul 2007 Posts: 3

Thanks, reading these replies have been an encouragement. And it is amazing how God's timing is so perfect. My husband told me yesterday about what could happen this fall - I pray that it's all God's will, that everything will come through. Between an internship (he has to have one for school anyway), and 2 different jobs at our church, plus a private lessons teaching job, he could probably be making up at least as much income as he was providing before, and would probably be able to quit the job he is so unhappy in. It SOUNDS like a lot of work, but it's all dealing with what he wants to do - be a music pastor - and it's all night-time and weekend hours, that will allow him plenty of time for study and attending school. PRAISE GOD! Only 1 of the 4 gigs is solidified though, so pray with me that everything else pans out for him. I know he would feel much much better being able to provide significantly towards our family income, and that in turn will help everything else.

Pray for me as I seek counsel for us too. I think that will be the hard part, as I will probably have to be a bit sly about it - he's not wanting to go right now - probably a mix of pride and embarrassment about it. One thing though - is it wrong to go behind his back (so to speak) to encourage others we know and trust to approach him just to talk? I am not sure about this, but he's not doing it by himself. If I just tell the people that I talk to that he could use someone to talk to and about what condition he's in, without revealing lots of detail about it.... it's just providing an opportunity for him....right? Once again, I'm not too certain about it....but what other options are there?

Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement!

	Growthtrac Community Forum Index -> Emotional Needs	All times are GMT - 6 Hours
Page 1 of 1