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tclimber
Newbie
Joined: 06 Jun 2007
Posts: 3
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 Posted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 4:40 am Post subject: Request |
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| Our Marriage is in real danger of divorce we have been married for 28 years and raised 5 kids but my wife has just emotionaly turned off we still get along for the most part but she gives me no affection at all.I havent been a good husband over the years but I have grown and are trying to be the husband God wants me to be I have talked to her and she says God has made her this way to protect her heart please pray that God will do what needs to be done to help us. if it keeps going like this I dont know how long I can stay |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1946
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 6:43 am Post subject: |
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Welcome -
I have lifted you and your marriage up in prayer this morning.
| Quote: | | I havent been a good husband over the years but I have grown and are trying to be the husband God wants me to be. |
It's great that you recognize this and want to make changes. If there has been years of woundedness and only over the past six months or so you've seen the need to make changes, it's going to take awhile to make up for the first 27 years and 6 months.
It sounds like your wife might be wounded by what has occurred in your marriage. Making her feel cherished, valued and adored is everything. If that hasn't happened in your marriage for a long time, then she is protecting herself emotionally from being close to you. This often happens when cruel words and actions have taken place and when both husband and wife have slowly walked away from their relationship with God and fallen into bad communication patterns.
Seems like you want to change things. It's important to work on you to the best of your ability with God's help. Would you describe your relationship with God as "on fire" or "growing everyday" or would you describe it as "lukewarm" at best? Often times the condition of your hearts toward God is directly correlated to the condition of your marriage.
My husband and I will be married for 31 years this month. Whenever we have been in a place of being "stuck" we've always been willing to go and spend some time with a Christian counselor. I would highly encourage you to do this. Go by yourself and pray that your wife will join you.
Tell her that you want to change things for the better in your marriage. That you want to do everything to make it the best it can be, and if that means getting help and working on things together, that's what you need to do. Are you willing to ask her the following? - What changes do I need to make that will help you feel close to me again? It's a pretty loaded question, but one that needs to be asked without becoming defensive. She'll more than likely give you a painful answer. But we willing to listen honestly and openly and be willing to make the changes she mentions.
Many couples lose site of having fun together. So when is the last time you went out and had fun? I'm not talking a movie. What about riding bikes, a picnic, a carnival, a concert in the park, a boat ride, a glider ride or hot air balloon ride or anything else that might interest you. It creates surprise and laughter and memories. You had fun when you were dating, it's time to find the fun again. Go out for dinner together, ride a Harley together, or go looking at antiques. Go to an art fair.
Lastly, ask for God's help everyday. Ask him to restore your love for each other. I don't know about you, but love does not come from us humans - it comes from God. He has to be the one to fill us up with His love. So ask... ask every time your heart feels cold toward your wife... ask Him to help you love her the way He loves her. I know from my own marriage, that God does restore the love with greater intensity than you can imagine. Just ask...
I have two books to recommend to you -
Power of a Praying Husband by Stormie O'Martian
Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn
Also, remember your vows - for better and for worse. Right now might be the worse. It's a lifetime commitment and choice to love even when we don't feel like it. |
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jesuslovesyou
Junior Member
Joined: 24 Apr 2006
Posts: 36
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2007 9:38 am Post subject: |
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| Good advise from SAM. You don't mention your ages... Could your wife be having hormonal changes that affect her desire and her moods? Patience would be important on your part here, but of course spending time together is the best answer. Also, if your 5 kids are now grown, she and you may have spent so much time on kid raising, that it is hard to know how to connect. Find fun things to do together and with other couples. Counseling could be helpful, but also maybe going to a couples group at your church that does fun activities together or a bible study. If they don't have one...talk to the pastor about starting one. |
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tclimber
Newbie
Joined: 06 Jun 2007
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 4:54 am Post subject: Thank you |
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| thanks for the prayers and advise a little more about us we are both 47 and still have one child at home I think there are some hormonal changes happening we have been talking more I figure I just have try to be the husband God made me to be and ask him to teach me and a couples group would be nice I will check into that one in our age group would be great |
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AandA
Newbie
Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 9
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| Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 8:41 am Post subject: |
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Hello, I'm not very good with the advice thing, but I myself just finished reading a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It really helped me to see things more clearly involving emotional closeness & such & I would definately recommend it.
God bless |
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Karelina9
Full Member
Joined: 25 Mar 2007
Posts: 65
Location: at His feet......in prayer
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| Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 11:09 pm Post subject: |
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| Sam gave you good advice. I'll say a prayer for you too. I hope God works all things out for you. |
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tclimber
Newbie
Joined: 06 Jun 2007
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 5:21 am Post subject: Im Just numb |
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| I have just about reached my end. not life end but the end of this relationship things are just not right and I really feel like it is time to move out. I have tried everything and I just feel like its killing me like we are stuck in a rut and have been for years and we both need to grow but can not together. I have know one to talk to about what Im feeling Im scared,confused,please just pray that God will lead me in this. I want to be a Godly example for my family and friends but what is best staying in an unhealthy marraige or having the courage to change what needs to be changed |
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JoBets
Full Member
Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 54
Location: Upstate NY
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 6:56 am Post subject: Re: Im Just numb |
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| tclimber wrote: | | I have just about reached my end. not life end but the end of this relationship things are just not right and I really feel like it is time to move out. I have tried everything and I just feel like its killing me like we are stuck in a rut and have been for years and we both need to grow but can not together. I have know one to talk to about what Im feeling Im scared,confused,please just pray that God will lead me in this. I want to be a Godly example for my family and friends but what is best staying in an unhealthy marriage or having the courage to change what needs to be changed |
Hi..
Sorry for your pain. Don't give up and quit. Do all you need to do for yourself to be educated in changing your heart. Actions speak louder than words. Once there is a change in you, your wife will notice. When she sees this new change and its happening every day, she will come around. But this will be a slow process.
I was in a situation, described in this forum under signs of abuse, where I was abused, so I know exactly how she feels. She is protecting herself from being hurt.
A pastor once told a man, once headed for divorce, to go home and love his wife every single day. Love his wife the way Jesus Christ told him to. After two weeks, the man return and told Pastor he no longer wanted a divorce.
What about a date night? What about doing something totally out of character, but out of sheer love? What about romance? Women love to do something romantic and unexpected. Why not read her something you wrote straight from the heart. Getting down on bended knees proclaiming your love for her. Getting up early in the morning, after prayers, and making her a wonderful breakfast. Followed up by a true heart-felt heart to heart talk.
OK! So there is a little bit of romance in my heart and in my mind. All women love to be romanced by their prince charming. Nothing wrong with it.
I just think if all men & women gave all their love from their heart all the time, what a great world we would have. Too many fairytale stories in my day I guess. LOL
I pray for your heart to be soften and the holy spirit to enter you to change you to the man of Christ you ought & want to be.
Blessing! |
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Karelina9
Full Member
Joined: 25 Mar 2007
Posts: 65
Location: at His feet......in prayer
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 3:40 pm Post subject: Understanding numb |
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| I've been there in that numb place. Don't give up just yet. God can work miracles. He really can. Remember Gods promises for those who seek his will, He will never leave you nor forsake you. He will always work all things out for the good of those who love him and obey his will. Be steadfast and ask for prayer that God will fill you with His love your wife. And that He would turn her affections toward in response to that love you show her. Be in good faith. I will pray for you again today. I have been going through some hard things myself and have not been visiting the board for a couple weeks. But I will be praying for you! |
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goodvieau
Newbie
Joined: 20 Jun 2007
Posts: 17
Location: So. Cal.
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 9:40 pm Post subject: Re: I am just numb |
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| I am in the same numb place now that you are. I am starting to see some improvement in my wife with the romance. It is a very slow progresion for us and is very hard on me. She wont even share her problem with me. But, I will not quit. You can not quit. God will not give us more than we can handle. Try some of the romantic ideas, they may help you. The Five Love Languages is a great way to try and improve your comminaction with your wife. I even have figured out some of my children with it. Keep up the fight and God bless. |
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JoBets
Full Member
Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 54
Location: Upstate NY
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| Posted: Tue Jul 17, 2007 9:01 am Post subject: Re: Im Just numb |
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| tclimber wrote: | | I have just about reached my end. not life end but the end of this relationship things are just not right and I really feel like it is time to move out. I have tried everything and I just feel like its killing me like we are stuck in a rut and have been for years and we both need to grow but can not together. I have know one to talk to about what I'm feeling I'm scared,confused,please just pray that God will lead me in this. I want to be a Godly example for my family and friends but what is best staying in an unhealthy marriage or having the courage to change what needs to be changed |
Hi:
I do not agree with you to move out.
Here is my story:
When my husband announced he was moving out. I flipped out. He moved out and said he wanted a separation. Instead of me waiting and praying to God for the answers. I told him we should just get a divorce so that I could go on with my life. He also said he would never change his mind to come back home. So instead of me being obedient and waiting to hear what God wanted me to do. I went ahead with my plan. I got involved more involved with the church I was attending and starting talk more to this man there. After my divorce, I married this man. This man turned into the demon after we were married. 11 months later, my husband called me several times. I could hear in his voice how sad he was. He wanted to talk to me about anything. I broke his heart when I told him I was already married. 3 years later, still with his "Christian man" from the church, I am miserable from the way this man was treating me and my kids.
My husband calls me to tell me he is leaving the state. I met with him to say good-bye. I did not in anyway do anything wrong with him. We talked for a little bit. Heard his plan to move down south to be closer to a woman he met. I didn't want him to go, but knew from the 1st time, it is not my job to control the situation. I sat back and gave it all to God. I did tell him he would come back to NY. He told me I was crazy.
Well, I couldn't take the abuse any more upon me & my children. The Pastor told this christian husband he needed more prayer and get closer to God. We did go to counseling at the Baptist church, but the Pastor was more a "guys" Pastor. I was asked would I wear make-up for when I go to work. I told him of the "vulgar things" this man would say to me. How incredibly jealous and how I am "clocked" every time I go out the door. How he checks my phone and calls my boss to find out my exact arrival time. Told me I had to answer his calls no matter what was happening at work. That work meetings were just a "time to gossip". Talked about how wonderful his mother was all the time. But hated her with the next comments. This man was clearly damaged. But no one wanted to do exactly what the bible says. If you go to the Pastor of your church and the Elder's they are supposed to help you. He should have been made to leave my house be in counsel with them. He was the most rude, threatening, jealous, insecure, suspicious, argumentative, intrusive, negative, bullying, frightening & over reacting person I have ever met in my entire life. I can not imagine GOD wanted me to live with him for the rest of my life. I know most of you do not agree with me. But like my father told our Pastor, "my daughter came to you for help", no one was there for her. I had to go to court after he had a fist fight with my daughter to have him removed from my home.
So after this man is removed from my home, I was able to think by myself and pray. I pray for a lot of things. Mostly peace of mind, as you can imagine. I prayed for my husband, I prayed he was happy in his new life in that other state. But I always wanted him to come home. So I left everything to God. Told God, whatever was the plan and was his will, so be it.
So my husband calls me after 10 months of being there. Would like to come home. He can not stand being away from me anymore.
He came home 3 years ago this past Feb. We talked every single night for about the 1st 6 months. Hours & Hours of talking. Was the most incredible experience. A lot of stuff was talked about and resolved.
Thanks for listening to this LONG story..
What am I saying: It is not up to us to make the decisions unless there is either a life threatening situation or a mental & spiritual situation.
Had I been obedient and waited for God's plan. We would have separated and gone back together right away.
We were meant for each other, as we are best friends. We always vowed we would bring "anything" to one another. The other one would not judge, make fun, think weird, fill in the blank. We have respect for one another and know we are the other half that makes the ONE complete.
Thank you
I pray you will find the strength to have faith in your GOD, to wait and be obedient to hear God's plan for your marriage.
God Bless |
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JoBets
Full Member
Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 54
Location: Upstate NY
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Joblom1
Full Member
Joined: 22 Jun 2007
Posts: 54
Location: Mn.
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| Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 3:08 pm Post subject: trails in our marriges |
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| I have read so many books and have listened to Dr. Dobson for many yrs. Now its allowing god to work thru all the pain. I have read the other posts and all the things we all go thru-its amazing. But Godnever said that a Christian walk would be easy. I guess there is something to be said for I wish i would have knowen the things about marriage and how to affair it that I do now. But i think we get caught up in raising a family and aging parents. I look at my husband and can not for the life of me see him doing what he did all those yrs. It is not him, of all the people he would be the last one you would ever conciece doing this. But he must have been so unhappy. And also very selfish. So I read the pain so many others are going thru and pray that they gather grace and strength from our heavenly Father. He does not want one marriage to fail. |
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