She had an affair via email...at least

paulus78 · Newbie Joined: 19 Apr 2007 Posts: 7

A few months ago, I discovered that my wife for 13 yrs had been exchanging love emails with an old college friend of hers. I was so devastated because, both of us have been born agin christians for years... and pray in tongues.

I wanted to get a divorse even though she told me that she was just joking. I made her break contact with him. After some counseling and attending church, I was able to forgive her. However, I occasionally remember those days and it makes me very sad and sometimes think about getting a divorce. I have a major problem trusting her. Please help me.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2161 Location: Chicago

Trust is a hard thing and memories of hurt are hard to forget.
Even trusting God can be hard - so trusting another human being can be even harder.

She hurt you deeply. It sounds like she's taken the steps you asked of her to repair a broken relationship. There was something missing that she took this step of contact with this other person. Something was broken in her.

So continue to ask God to restore your marriage. Pray for your wife - consider picking up Power of A Praying Husband by Stormie O'Martian.

Divorce will not make the pain go away - it actually intensifies it. And... the issues you have now do get brought into another relationship.

When you have these feelings of trust and doubt (they are not from God BTW) - ask God to remove these thoughts. Simpy say, "Lord take these thoughts from me now." or "Lord, I lift these negative thoughts up to you - I cannot carry them." If you have to say it several times a day - do so.

paulus78 · Newbie Joined: 19 Apr 2007 Posts: 7

Thank you for your advice. I will still keep on praying for our relationship. My other problem is, I have the feeling that she will repeat it sooner or later unless she clings to the Word of God and forget about other influences. The man that she was flirting with through email, is the cousin of her very good friend. The man lives outside USA but her friend lives in the USA (different state).

My wife talks to her friend at least 2x a day. Whenever my wife leads our prayer devotion, she never prays for our marriage. I asked her a few weeks ago, but she did not have any answer. I feel that if she wants to leave the marriage, it is better she does it now than later. I know that a divorce will bring more pain but what is the other option? I will keep on praying, and trust God for a break through.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2161 Location: Chicago

Whenever my husband and I have been stuck - not moving forward in our relationship, going around and around in circles and getting nowhere - we have always gone for Christian counseling. It's the best investment you'll ever make for yourself and your marriage.

Why is divorce the only option? Why does it even come into conversation or thoughts? Why even go there?

paulus78 · Newbie Joined: 19 Apr 2007 Posts: 7

Thanks for stressing that divorce should not be an option. I'm experiencing "mood swings" and dealing with it as best as I can. I promised my wife that I've forgiven her. I should therefore not bring it up to her again if I'd really forgiven her, as the Lord forgives us and does not remember our transgressions. Do you think I should seek help regarding my mood swings?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2161 Location: Chicago

I call them UMS - Ultimate Mood Swings. Men and women both have them.

If you're struggling, and it sounds like you are, then it would be wise to seek counsel.

Another thought... you may have forgiven her, but that doesn't mean you can forget. God gives us brains and memories for a reason, one being self-protection. I don't think He demands that we forget something... we simply can't. It may always be there. There's a difference between forgiving and forgetting.

jesuslovesyou · Junior Member Joined: 24 Apr 2006 Posts: 36

Thank you for your thoughts and everyone elses. I have been struggling with my husband's emotional infidelity for a long time and have such a trust problem with him. It is good to hear other people struggle too and ways to deal with it. When he is too busy for me or works late or stays up half the night on the computer, I get suspicious and I hate it. Now my question is, how do I get passed those moments and how do I get him to agree to counseling? He seems to think our "bad roomate" relationship is just the way some marriages are and he doesn't want a divorce, but doesn't want to try to make it better either?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2161 Location: Chicago

If he refuses to go for counseling, then he is choosing to not participate in the healing of your relationship. Please consider going on your own.

Let him know for you to have a feeling of security/trust in your relationship, it's important that he not stay up late at night on the computer. That one simple of honoring you would help rebuild loads of trust.

Go to counseling for yourself. Sometimes when we take the first step, and a spouse can see relational improvement, they will start going later.
If you were to tell him you want to get past this and become lovers and friends again, I would think that would get his attention. Wink

All you can do when you have feelings of doubt and anxiety, it lift it up to the Lord. Ask Him to remove the feelings from you, the moment they surface. Just say, "Lord, I need to give these feelings to you right now. Please take them from me." If you have to say several times a day - do so. Right now Satan has the power instead of God.

broken2peices · Newbie Joined: 06 Jan 2007 Posts: 16

I am so grateful to hear that he doesn't want a divorce. That is good news. You should be rejoicing in this. Like Sam said get some counseling for yourself. Show your husband that no matter what he is doing or not doing you are going to fight for his love. There is a book that I am reading called "Staying in love for a Lifetime." It is written my Ed Wheat, M.D. WIth GLoria Okes Perkins. It is three books in one. The book that has the info you really need is the first one titled "Love Life for Every Married Couple." It has a chapter on how to save your marriage alone. God is good, he can help you if you trust him and obey him by staying faithful to your husband.

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