thirty years and what now, long 1st entry

redhead · Newbie Joined: 13 Apr 2007 Posts: 1

I have been desperate for a place to talk about my problems. I'm at my desk as a teacher because hubby often sits with me as I read home email or otherwise use the internet. It is Friday so we probably won't connect until Monday.
My story isn't unique, yet it is to me.
1. Several years ago I told my husband that my emotional needs were not met during sex. Rather than learn what I meant he promptly turned away to pursue his spiritual life more deeply. How do you fight that? He only admitted to this recently. He aqlso "developed" a problem with erectile dysfunction. We're having relations only a couple of times a year unless I initiate early in the morning before he is awake enough to think he can't function. I don;t get a lot out of those sessions.
2. My husband does not know the meaning of fun. We work well together, but fun consists of eating out and shopping. I'm slightly overweight (not slight in his eyes) and the food disturbs me. I would love to dance, bike, hike, entertain, etc. He simply says he doesn't care for these things.
3. We have been reading The Five Love Languages. I did discover that I have not been speaking love over the last ten years. I am really trying to do that now. My language is quality time and he tells everyone he can't figure me out. In his copy I recently put a sticky note on the appropriate page and telling him I swas quality time, specifically quality activities (fun stuff). He made no comment and probably threw the note away. I have been tearfully begging to do things with me for years.
4. I am sick with wilson's thyroid syndrome which makes me depressed, fat, irritable, and more. I start treatment next week. I'm concerned I will feel so good after treatment that I will no longer be able to endure this boring, sedless, marriage.
I'm near a breakdown now.
Thanks!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I've been married for 30 years also. I understand your saddness and desire to change things. However, you cannot change your husband but God is perfectly capable of doing so. Praying for your husband can help.

At times we become so comfortable in our old socks, shoes, pants and underwear that there's no snap left in the elastic anymore. So how do you get the snap back?

You go back and you remember. The good things and character qualities about each other. What you used to do to have fun - what you fell in love to begin with. It's all about attitude and prayer. I had to pray for God to change me, my outlook and my love for my husband. God had to "adjust" my attitude. Once I was open and willing for God to make that heart change in me, it was amazing how my heart changed toward my husband. And, it was amazing how much more willing my husband was toward wanting to please me.

There is a great book by Emerson Eggerichs called Love and Respect and another one by Bill and Pam Ferrell called Red Hot Monogomy. Red Hot has 101 tips for great dates with each other.

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