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RBrownTN
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 44
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 Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 8:01 am Post subject: A new year - a new beginning |
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Well, after a quiet Christmas, divorce now is inevitable. (background thread here)
After yet another argument, I decided to spend Christmas with my brother and his family some 700 miles away. She spent Christmas as home alone. She started working as a waitress to earn an income in preparation for living on her own and was supposed to work anyway.
New years eve, I was invited my some guys in my men's study group to come play dominoes with them as part of their new years tradition. My wife was supposed to work that night anyway so I decided to go. She told me her girlfriend was having a party and that she might go after she go off work, but since she had to work a double shift the next day - she might just go home. Either way, she would call me to let me know.
After midnight, no call - so I called her and left a voice mail. About an hour later, she called me back to tell me that she was not feeling good about work, so decided to call and quit - and then headed to Georgia to stay with the man she's had an online emotional affair with. She wasn't intending on sleeping with him - just wanted to meet him and would be back the next day. She stayed in his house that night with his teenage kids that he has custody of.
I have been praying so hard for a reconciliation of my marriage - but I can't anymore. There is just TOO MUCH turmoil and pain to continue. She clearly doesn't care about me and is only thinking about herself. So why should I fight so hard for this marriage? God hates divorce, but I feel that I have done everything possible to be in God's will to save our marriage - but if she isn't willing, at what point is it ok to give up?
BTW - she has not come back as I told her that she isn't welcome right now. I need time to think and pray about what to do. She is staying at her sisters right now - only with the clothes on her back as thats all she left with. I need some serious prayer and insight since I don't trust my emotions right now. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1946
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 8:17 am Post subject: |
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| I have prayed for you and your wife this morning. That's all I could think of to do. |
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RBrownTN
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 44
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| Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 10:18 am Post subject: |
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| SAM wrote: | | I have prayed for you and your wife this morning. That's all I could think of to do. |
Thanks Sam. As simple as that may sound - prayer is something I truly rely on right now. |
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rdsmith3
Veteran
Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 311
Location: NJ
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| Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 5:02 pm Post subject: |
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I am really sorry to hear this. I think you are right that you should not trust any decision you might make now, because it would likely be done out of emotion. I speak from experience on this.
Make sure you have someone you can talk to -- don't hold all this in.
I will pray for you. |
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tornapartchristianwife
Newbie
Joined: 30 Dec 2006
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 9:05 pm Post subject: |
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I am sorry you are having to go through this. One thing I realized in my marriage, is yes, we both made mistakes, but I never gave up trying and he did. I can't work on our marriage alone. If he isn't willing to stay and work on it, I can't make him.
If your wife is not willing to try, all you can do, is what you can do.... rely on God and he will show you the way... I know how hard that is, I'm having to do the same thing.....
Right now I'm angry and bitter, and It's OK to be that way for a while - it's part of healing. It is important to let yourself have the feelings your having, they are validated. But.... go to God and let him hold you and help you, and help you heal.
God Bless... |
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RBrownTN
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 44
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| Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 6:57 am Post subject: |
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I am still going to my counseling sessions. It started out as marriage counseling, but has evolved into my individual counseling now. I have a good support group through some close friends in my men's group as well as a family that keeps in touch with me to find out how I am.
I know it takes 3 to make a marriage work. Me, her and God. Yet, only 2 of us showed up to work. Reliance on God now is where I find the will to move forward. I take pride in knowing that when I stand before the Lord someday - I know that I have done everything I have believed to be His will for me.
God will take care of me and I feel He has something incredibly better for me due to my willingness to follow Him through all this. I just need to get through the turmoil of divorce now. Something I never wanted to go through again. Despite it all through, I have very little regret in what my marriage was and I walk away from it learning a lot more than I came into it. |
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tornapartchristianwife
Newbie
Joined: 30 Dec 2006
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 8:52 am Post subject: |
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I understand everything you are saying, and can sympathize.
My divorce is almost finalized, I signed off on the final decree, yesterday. My advise is to try to get through it quick and with as little turmoil as you can.
Mine have been horrible, since March. My husband originally, gave the two kiddos to me and he took the every other weekend visitation. Then when I pushed the abuse issue, he came back that I was unstable and wanted full custody of the kids. I had to push for Psychological Evaluations, to prove my point and when we got them done, my proof was there. It was two months of you know what, though, because they made us have joint custody, switch every 4 days. But in the end, I got the kids. He still got standard visitation, the Judge flat out said that "a little bit of abuse is OK, that I should see some of the cases he sees." 
But, he has lied through the whole thing and said so many horrible things about me, it has got me to the point, that I literally HATE him, and so now, I have to work through that too. I know God will help me, it just takes time.
Do you have kiddos?
We will all make it through, and God has something better in store for us all. We need to keep looking for his guidence. |
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RBrownTN
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 44
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| Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 9:31 am Post subject: |
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| tornapartchristianwife wrote: | I understand everything you are saying, and can sympathize.
My divorce is almost finalized, I signed off on the final decree, yesterday. My advise is to try to get through it quick and with as little turmoil as you can. |
That's my plan - quickly and as painlessly as possible. She was a stay-at-home mom, but my two stepsons are now grown - last one moved out in October. I had hoped with our "empty nest" that we could work on the marriage, but she obviously had other plans.
We bought a 55 acre tract in March of last year - low mortgage but a terrible 1-1/2 hour one-way commute for me to work. We planned on remodeling the manufactured home that was there until we could build a permanent log home. I put a lot of time and effort into repairing that existing home and its no where near complete. I have decided that I do not want it, nor any of the furniture. That a clean start for me in a apartment close to my office is best. Its not that I am trying to erase the past 9 years, but that much of it has been a lie and its just too painful. I'd rather start all over.
She wants to keep the house and the furniture - and I was going to allow her up to a year to buy me out since she just started back to work (now she needs a new job too). All I asked is that she not disrespect me during the divorce by carrying on a new relationship. That didn't happen. Now I need to protect myself and we'll probably end up selling the whole thing.
I have a good job and will bounce back quickly - financially speaking. She is going to struggle, but I have to keep reminding myself that this is the decision SHE made, not me. She keeps saying "God will provide for her". I believe this, but I also believe that we should strive to obey God as well. She doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong by carrying on an emotional affair - simply because its not been sexual this time (her first was). I just cannot agree to that and my Bible tells me otherwise. Furthermore, she says that if this relationship with this guy develops (she says there is "chemistry" between them) - that she won't have pre-marital sex since she wants God to bless their marriage if it leads to that. I'm sorry - but how can God honor this relationship when it was started as an emotional affair while she is still married?
Anyway, I am going to try all that I can to keep the divorce amicable - opting for mediation if we can agree to terms, but I won't allow myself to be taken advantage of anymore. At times I feel incredibly used looking back over the past 9 years, but at the end of the day, I don't have many regrets.
| tornapartchristianwife wrote: | | He still got standard visitation, the Judge flat out said that "a little bit of abuse is OK, that I should see some of the cases he sees." |
Sadly, I believe the judge. Not that abuse is OK, but that I'm sure he has seen some really doozies come through the courts. I have a close friend who is a major at a local police department and it breaks my heart to hear some of the cases he handles involving spouses and children.
| tornapartchristianwife wrote: | | We will all make it through, and God has something better in store for us all. We need to keep looking for his guidence. |
Several people have told me this. Recently my counselor commented that God was most definitely working in my life. It was so obvious that he could see it in the short time I've been seeing him (why can't my wife see it?). I believe the God has something huge planned for me - and has shared some of His vision with me already. I just need to align myself with Him and follow His lead - something I intend on doing with intensity that I never had before in my life. |
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sweetness
Newbie
Joined: 25 Sep 2006
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 11:54 pm Post subject: Trusting in God |
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In September 2006 I ended my 6 year marriage to someone that I was with for 10 years. The last 4 years of our marriage was nothing but fighting not only because he was unwilling to cut apron strings with his Mother but he was abusing me also verbal as well as physical.
In August he decided he wanted to meet someone new. He ended up getting caught but instead of hurting one person he hurt two. He had lied to her saying he had been divorced for two years. But the sad thing is that he met her on a christain chatroom.
How I found out is the Pastor of the Church we attended told me over the phone that he was seeing someone else and I was shocked. The reason that the Pastor knew is because the woman he was seeing her sister worked at a church and wanted to know a little more about the man her sister was seeing.
I confronted Chris my ex-husband with this news and he said yes I have been talking with her and I went to see her this weekend. He was almost successful in getting her in bed but she told him No.
He still thinks that he did not commit adultery on me. But in my bible it says that if a man is married and lusts after another he is commiting adultery.
I know first hand it is hard to forgive someone who you don't think deserves it. But I forgave my ex-husband for hurting me and God gave me the best gift of all.
I then prayed that God would hand pick my next husband. In January 2007 God brought a man named Matthew into my life. God spoke to each of us saying this is your spouse that I hand picked for you.
Matthew and I know that we will be together one day soon but we also know that we need to get our past pain and hurts behind us before we commit ourselves fully to each other.
We know that we don't want to hurt each other with things from our pasts and that is why we are taking things slowly and listening to God on when we can become a couple and spend the rest of our lives together.
Always trust in God when the future seems unclear.  |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1946
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 6:23 am Post subject: |
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That is a wonderful story of hope that God heals and brings new love into our lives.
I'm not sure what your circumstances are with kids and in-laws, but I'd like to recommend a great book to you called The Smart Step-Family by Ron Deal.
It takes an average of two years to heal from a divorce - with counseling. If you and your new love spend the time doing the work upfront so you do not bring past patterns of behavior into your relationship, it will be all that much stronger. Also, discover what you bring into your relationship from your family of origin. Pre-marital mentoring or counseling can be so beneficial to your relationship. Invest the time into building a marriage instead of a wedding day. The marriage lasts longer.
Not sure if you know that Growthtrac is offering a great couples assessment - it's definitely affordable and very comprehensive. http://www.growthtrac.com/checkup/
My husband and I have mentored pre-married couples for the past 9 years and use this assessment with every one of our couples. I was so excited to see GT started offering this several months ago. |
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sweetness
Newbie
Joined: 25 Sep 2006
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 9:56 am Post subject: Wait for God |
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I waited on God to send me the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. Waiting is always hard to do but when you are waiting on God to send you the Special One waiting is wonderful.
Although Matthew is dealing with past drug use and looking at why he chose that path I am not judging him for it. Now he is Saved and living for the Lord and helping others get off drugs. He has a testominy and he is giving it to help others that are in the same situation as he was in.
I love Matthew for who he is inside not what he did in his past. When you love someone you look beyond their past faults and look into their hearts and what makes you love them now.
Matthew has been my Prayer Warroir he fought for me in the Spiritual Realm for almost 2 months to get a Spirit of Worry out of me and he got it out. I can feel it when he prays. We have a connection I have never had with anyone else. The reason is because God chose us for each other.
My past is dealing with a divorce. I am doing wonderful with it. I recieve One day at a time and it has helped me so much. One day I want to start a Divorce Recovery Class for people who are getting divorced.
I believe this is my calling to help others who are going through a divorce so I can help them and spare some pain they will experience.
The one thing I am very aware of is that Matthew and I support each other and the ministry that each of us want to do. We are both a part of each others' ministry.
If you don't have the support of your mate then it will be very hard to acheive the goals you have set.
Life is full of surprises some good some bad but I know that when God is working in the lives of two people he has brought together you have a more stronger bond with each other.
Matthew and I are getting a stronger bond with each other because we are laying the foundation of our relationship slowly and we will always know that our foundation is solid and will not break!
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