I am worried that I may be close to having an affair

kitten · Newbie Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 4

I have been married for 5 years now. We have two amazing kids. I have this problem of wanting to contact my 'first love'. I had sex with this person about 2 years before I met my husband. 4 years before marriage. My husband hasn't been particularily suave in the bedroom but we have learned alot and we are both pleased. But, I keep remembering sex with this other person.

When I knew this other person, all my friends said it was 'sick' to be around us because of the attraction we had for each other. Even though we didn't even kiss or hold hands in public, people were amazed at how much attraction existed. The attraction was so strong it was like having an orgasm when we could just sense each other were near. We had some very special moments and he especially had a hard time when I moved away and we stopped seeing each other. He was there for me when my brother died. I knew there was something about him that was unhealthy and I knew that he was someone I couldn't spend the rest of my life with though I always wanted to. So I left town to get a fresh start.

Last summer when my husband was gone on a trip I looked this guy up and called him. We talked a bit about what had happened in the last 9 years or so. I felt like he understood me as soon as I heard his voice. I appologized for some things, and was able to ask him some questions I have always had. He said that he HAD loved me and that he was so sad after he dropped me off in my new city, and he has never known love since then. He thought he would never hear from me again. He also said he had a hard time in the past years with alcohol. He hadn't dranken in 3 months at that time.

I told my husband what happened and he was angry. He said that he trusts me less but lately he sees me loving and responding to his love more and I think he has forgotten about the situation.

Since the phone call, I have been so worried about this person I keep thinking about him constantly and how if I wasn't married I could help him. And... part of me is interested in receiving his complements and attention.

I realize I crossed the boundary by calling him in the first place. I feel so foolish. Then, I emailed him to see how he was doing since his address was burned into my memory I had it on my mind's file. He remembered some things about me that was more accurate than my husband could be. I asked him how his past year was with his alcohol struggles.

Why am I indulging in this behaviour? I feel like a total idiot. It is so horribly compelling. I wish I never met him in the first place. My husband would do anything for me but here I sit, doing this behind his back.

Also, last spring when my husband and I were just going through the paces of life and I was just graduating from college, I said: "when I graduate can we go on an adventure?" He said "nothing is ever enough for you is it". And I took it inside myself and became cold. I went to my grad party shortly after this and I almost kissed some cute guy that was 4 years younger than me. It was me initiating it though he didn't object to the attention, we were in a hot tub together in the bikinin that my husband bought for his eyes only. Husband knows all about this and he confessed reading porn literature via email when I sleep or was away. He was ANGRY at my confession and ready to go and loose it on this punk. I told him it was me that initiated it. Then he said "honey, is there something that is missing between us that made you want to do this". Amazing response that made us very close... until my latest indulgence. We are still close and he wouldn't even suspect what I have done in the slightest.

How do I stop this chaos? I feel like it could get more intimate with this guy and that scares me. I have a great life. I have started to indulge and I can see clearly how an affair can snowball.

Anyone want to say what I need to hear?
Kitten

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2164 Location: Chicago

Welcome, we're glad you have come to GT.

[quote]Why am I indulging in this behaviour? I feel like a total idiot. /quote]

That's good - you're acknowledging that something isn't right.

kitten · Newbie Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 4

I have overcome other major things in my life, and I know that I can for this one too.

What you said was very good. It was clear and thanks.

I was thinking about what you said here for the past day. The truth is, God isn't there when chaos is. They can't mix. That really scared me.

After having kids, in the infant stages, I found it hard to regularily seek God. Also, having a bit of a fear of praying with my husband and him seeing me read my bible, I lost touch of the closeness I have had with God in the past. This had led to some behaviour of mine that is less than desirable.

I never thought I would be facing a temptation like this. When I got married I was so crazy for my husband (and I still am). I think God picked him out for me. He is everything and more and he loves me so much. He would do anything for me. I am completely sexually attracted, emotionally attracted. We connect really well.

I know that people reading this must think I am an awful woman. Please just understand that this temptation is so real. It is a real struggle.

What is awful is the strength of this temptation. It is so real, so difficult. So completely wrong. The first thing I think of (when I consider dishonoring my husband) is his amazing parents who have done so much for us. Who love my husband and me in such a special way. They entrusted him to me... said yeah... this is the perfect girl for my "little boy". I could never face myself, my kids, my husband, or his parents if I went any further with this. I need to treat this like it has been exposed and be ashamed rather than acting like noone knows; which may lead to my sneaking around.

What I am putting in place immediately is errasing any information I have about this person. Even if it is memorized already, I can at least make this one step farther away from giving in to contacting him. If he responds in some ways, I will errase an email or hang up a phone call etc. I have already been praying in a renouncing way. This will need to be done like a hundred times a day. And, I will follow the lent tradition to give up this trying to contact him and pray and focus on God during the times of temptation. This will be a good exercise for me. I am interested in seeking counselling as well but this may have to wait at this time.

I pray that God will carry me though this and keep me strong.

Thanks,
Kitten

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 315 Location: In Prayer

kitten · Newbie Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 4

Well, I have been thinking and praying. I have not contacted this person at all.

I haven't told my husband that I had contact with this person yet. I am so scared that it will make him sad and angry. Who am I supposed to tell? My husband or my counsellor or both?

What I have realized is that when I am tired and grumpy and my husband isn't home that I have an impulse to contact this person.

Thankfully, the desire is less and less and I wonder sometimes, what have I been thinking. I get a repulsion for this person.

The end is still not in sight. I realize that I need to get some counselling. I think that would help me, on all sorts of levels. Help me sort out my thoughts and struggles. I know I have an awful relatinship with my Dad and his wife. They have never thought I was good enough so I quit talking to them altogether. Controlling 'perfect' parents. I definately think that my insecurity... needing to be affirmed is from this broken relationship. What I want to hear from this person I have contacted is: "you are lovely, you are the best, you are good at this, good at that, I know the real you, I understand you".

It feels like, my pain with my dad could lead me to another dangerous trap. In some other form maybe.

I just had an impulse to contact him tonight and I got repulsed again and thought I would write to tell you that. the repulsion is a good thing but like I said it's not over yet. I did cancel my land line because I got a cell phone, though I doubt he even had it. I don't have his in my files at all. Just his email address that is in my memory. My email address could change but I don't want to change it. Should I anyway?

I am still praying that I can make more progress.

We already own the "Every Man's Battle". I could see how the Women's version would be great. I recently read 'Captivating' and it was really good toward healing between my Dad and me. Helped me understand myself more.

Well, just and update,
Kitten

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2164 Location: Chicago

Good to hear from you - I've been praying. Keep asking the Lord to remove this desire from you.

As for counseling, it's a good thing. It will help you discover your triggers. When you know them, then you have the ability to pray over them and ask God to control them and take them from you.

As for changing your e-mail address, it's a good idea. In this way, there is no chance of contact from the other person. It's as though you are leaving one last window open... just in case he tries to contact you. Shut the window!

As for telling, only you can decide. Talk this out with your counselor. Sometimes getting things out in the open starts the healing process.

kitten · Newbie Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 4

Just another update, thank you for the reply SAM,

I will pick up the book "Do you think I am beautiful?". And every woman's marriage.

I will give you an update later down the road.

Thanks again,
Lorinda

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