had an affair and my marrige is over?

little boxes · Newbie Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 5

I have never been in a chat room before... my story is so long.
Married at 22 yrs old, married for 11 years, have a child - 6 yrs. Quit my job to be a stay at home mom, and within three months I was cheating on my husband - first was two one-night stand things - younger guys. I was horribly guilty, ran back to the church and became Susie Church Lady. I was pleading with God every day to help my husband become a leader, to help me know how to respect him and look to him to be the leader of our home. When I had to go back to work because he was unable/unwilling to find a job that could pay the bills, I met someone. Someone who was solid and goal-oriented and definitely a "man". And I had an affair with him that has lasted four years. At first it was about the thrill of flirting, and then it was really fantastic sex. Then it very quickly became something else because I Liked him so much, respected him so much, looked to him for advice and guidance... and did I mention we had fantastic sex? I always felt like I was wearing a mask at home because my husband wanted the whole dinner-on-the-table-honey-I -missed-you-all-day-can't-wait-to-holdyour-hand thing and I am just NOT that girl. I'm not a big fan of outward displays of affection - not a hand-holder, not big on "cuddling". In fact, if you read the book His Needs/Her Needs, I have almost none of the "her" needs and all of the "his" - and my husband has more of the "her" needs. This guy was the "his" needs straight down the list and so it was easy for us to meet each other's needs - they made sense. Anyway, I fell in love with this man - who by the way, is also married with children. Married to a woman who is so much like my husband it is scary. I know because during one of our "off" times, his wife and I became "friends" for a while. Anyway - my husband found out about 3 years ago - didn't throw me out... forced the guy to tell his wife (or he would tell for him) we worked on things for a while - no counseling, but prayer and in church. But, I work in the same place as the guy and of course, eventually we started seeing each other again. Both of our spouses knew we were continuing to talk/be friends... about a year ago my husband got fed up and left.

The guy and I have been off and on - mostly on for, like I said, four years. We have shared with one another that we love one another deeply - in fact, as recently as a few weeks ago, he was two steps away from leaving his wife and coming to live with me. Then, he decided, about two weeks ago that he needed to try & fix his marriage, that he does love his wife (as I love my husband), and that there is no way he can have any chance of loving her like he loves me, having the relationship with her that he has been having with me, unless I am out of his life completely. And I agree. We have both cried over this decision-making, but I know it is the right thing. I am completley heartbroken - in fact have shed more tears, many more, over this loss than the loss of my marriage.

So now I am thinking about something the guy said to me - that he & his wife were really happy once... and it has me thinking that maybe I need to try with my husband before the divorce is final. I have been praying for God to fix this whole mess - actually to heal my pain and to theal the guy's marriage, or to just do His will (most recently), for weeks as I have struggled with watching this man I love (the guy) go through the awful journey of trying to decide what to do with his marraige.

So, VERY long story short... I am fearful that the only reason I am thinking about trying to reconcile with my husband is because the guy has left my life. If I am honest, I can not say that if the guy called me today and said he wanted to be with me, I would say no. I am just completely tortured because I have a CHILD and I KNOW that the best thign for her is to be in a whole family, but I don't know that I can ever respect her father enough to be the wife he deserves. I think I would cheat on him again within a year or two.

And - there is NO way, without a "parting of the seas" type of intervention, that I am ever going to feel for him what I felt for this guy - what I feel for this guy.

And I just don't even know where to go with all of this. So I've landed here. I KNOW that my behavior is a violation of God's law. I am a Christian, so the fact that I have caused this other man to stumble, and now my husband too, is NO good for my eternity. I KNOW what the scripture says about marriage - we were "unequally yoked" when we married, he professed Christ the same year I started cheating... I want to do the right thing - for all of us, but I am so broken right now I have no idea what that is!

little boxes · Newbie Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 5

One thing that is noticeably absent from my posting is any mention of remorse. I have sobbed on my floor for hours over my remorse - not as much, I admit, towards my husband, as for how I have disappointed God. In all honesty, I am really right now today struggling with this part. I know God. And I know that a key part of repentance is the turning away part. I know that if I ask God to forgive me and make me clean, with that comes a much more true "end" to this relationship wiht this man. And I know it is crazy to even consider choosing this man, any man, over God, and I know that is in part what I am doing. But I am so overwhelmed with hurt and loss that I am afraid to let it go - to give it to Him - because then it is really gone - really over, and then I really have to move on - alone.

I understand that having an affair - more than one, I guess, was wrong - is wrong, for many many reasons. And at the same time - I am so emotionally wrapped up that I don't know how to leave the pig pen and the pods and return to my Father's house. Sick as it is, I kind of feel at home with the pigs... the walls of the pit are so steep and hard to climb.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2161 Location: Chicago

Christ is waiting for you with open arms and he has been waiting for a long time for you to come home to him.

little boxes · Newbie Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 5

You are right. About everything you have said. In the hours since I wrote, I have wrestled with God, cried a lot. I know that phrase you quoted seems to indicate a lack of repentance... what I was trying to say is, I have to face the fact that in terms of areas of sin whre I am most vulnerable, this is always going to be my struggle. And, if I do not look to God every single day to restore me, to restore my marriage, to strengthen me against the temptation of having someone else meet my needs - then I WILL cheat again. Particulary if I stay married to my husband for whom it is also a daily and prayerful struggle to meet those relationship needs that are most important for me. He showed up at church today - we actually sat together - and I have talked to two of our pastors and gotten hooked up with women in our church to counsel with. Because believe me, I know I have issues. And I am also acutely aware that I have tremendous responsibility for injury to my husband, my daughter, the other man, and his family. I get that. What I also get is, marriage, although intended to be the second-most treasured and fufilling relationship we can have (1st with God), it is no easy thing - especially when there is a chasm of difference between two people. If my husband and I are going to reconcile AND have something dynamic and fufilling for us both it will REQUIRE God's direct and daily intervention - which I guess is how it's supposed to be, but a the same time, sounds like a lot of work. Work that must be done... but nonetheless.

Anyway, I am going to start talking to someone soon - believe me - I am not hiding from God at this point - there is no hiding - the Refiner's Fire is hot and burning... but there is love too.

On another note - I keep hearing people talk about looking to God to meet needs - and I get that - but there are SOME needs that are just relational - that have to be meet in the context of interaction with another tangible human (i.e. sexual needs), and if those are not being met, are we to just ask GOd to remove the need? Or is it maybe like Paul's "thorn", we just do without a resolution to that thing?

Thank you for your post. My church, my family are all praying for us - I have asked him to at least consider counseling with me, and he is going to consider it.

webacus · Posted: Sun Feb 11, 2007 4:18 pm Post subject:

SAM said it well.

Just a couple observations...

little boxes · Newbie Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 5

Can I ask a dumb question? Webacus, you said that this relationship with the other man was based on a whole list of crummy things... and some of them I will agree with - some I won't but it doesn't matter - had he chosen to leave his wife "for" me, it never would have worked out anyway - I get that - there are foundational issues there that are just wrong. But my question is this. What is a relationship supposed to be based in? I have tried and tried to remember why my husband and I got married. It certainly wasn't because we felt God calling us to do so - he wasn't a Christian. It wasn't because we wanted the same things for the future - we rarely talked about that stuff and when we did there was always something that didn't "fit", so I erased it, took it off my "wish" list. I know we were "in love" - stars in our eyes, gooey emotional love. The problems started when we became adults - parents - and all the stuff of high school romance just didn't seem to have the "meat" that we needed to get through. So, how am I going to know?

I guess that's the trick, huh? We don't know - we have to trust that God knows. So tough for a control-freak like myself.

Just FYI - "the guy" called it quits, and although I am grieving that loss, I am convinced it is right. So I'm actively looking for a new job and have asked God to remove me from my current workplace... soon.

And, I am seeing a Christian counselor this week.

And, I am back - or trying to find my way back, to God. We've been running a pretty constant dialogue for the past few days, I've been reading my Bible, and talking with Christian friends, sat through two services today because I didn't want to leave... so I'm trying - or rather stumbling blindly along expecting God to keep me on the path.
Thanks for weighing-in.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 114

When I first read your post I thought it might have been some sort of hoax to see how people on this forum would react. I will respond with as much love and compassion, but I seriously hope that you will find the answers you need.

I wish I could tell you that it would take anything less than a "parting of the seas" activity for this to be done in your life. For my husband and I, it took exactly that kind of scenario to jerk his head around. Still his mistress called, text messaged, and sent messages through others and it was difficult for him to stay away from her.

I will ask you some of the same questions that I asked her, the day I found her love letter to my husband. You are Christian? How far are you from your family? Find them tonight and talk to your mother about this. Ask her how she would feel if this was your father. Think how you would feel if you had to deal with this being your father. Are you prepared to be a step-mother to his children, knowing that they will know every day how you two came together. The pain will always be there for them and they will hold you responsible on this Earth. Even if they forgive you, their pain will constantly be with you, in the way they act out, in the choices they make and the respect they give you. On judgement day, you are prepared to stand before the throne of judgment, described in Revelations and tell your Lord and Savior that you just couldn't help yourself?

You have taught all the children something already, even if they don't know the details, they can feel the pain and the anger that goes with all of this. That is not the view of family Christian life that any of them need. You are an adult and can control part of the world around you. They can not. Your marriage may not be salvageable, that is in God's hands. It sounds like the other man might be able to salvage his, that would be better than two families dying.

You will constantly question your relationship. You know where and how he found you. What makes you think this is a forever love? Read (I Corinthians, Chapter 13). How does your love measure up? How does his? If both of your spouses are very much alike then she is the hold-my-hand-I-am-so-glad-to-see-you type. He somewhat likes that and he is having second thoughts about leaving it, totally. He likes an independent woman too. Why make a decision when you can have both? He knows you can stand alone and he has let you do that. Is he showing you the kind of love you have always dreamt of? If he really loved you and respected you he would put God and your soul in front of his carnal desires. My husband was in the same spot. She needed him. He felt I could always stand on my own. The truth was I needed him to recognize when I needed a soft hand and when I needed independance.

We have spent a lot more time over the last seven months talking about that in nightly private time, after the kids have gone to bed. We also do daily devotions with a book by David and Teresa Ferguson.

My critical attitude totally broke his spirit and killed his love for me, or so he thought. As long as he had ongoing contact with her, he couldn't give it up. She continued to try to have contact with him for five months. The pastor that we both counselled with said that nothing would happen until he prayed for this to be lifted. He made the prayer, as he tells it, half-heartedly. The response was immediate and powerful, but the pain did linger. He says that was part of the penalty of his sin. It has gradually gotten better for both of us. Today, she is an admitted pleasant memory, but he can see her for what she is and was. No, he doesn't love me the way he loved, her, but it is a more powerful love than he ever thought he would know with either of us.

The Bible tells us to flee from sin. It also tells us it is better to pluck out an offending member than to live with the sin.

For many months after the affair in our life I looked for resources to help the other woman. She needed something to deal with the pain and to help keep her from making the same mistake again. (My husband was her second married man in a year.) I couldn't bring her to God, although I tried and my husband put a church in her area in touch with her. It was clear to me that there was NOTHING out there to direct and lift a woman who was dealing with the pain of an illicit affair. Several people would suggest the book, "Every Woman's Battle."

I pray for you tonight. I hope that you find the strength to deal with this today, rather than to deal with it at the throne of God. No matter if you get back together with your spouse or not, you owe him an apology for the vows you have made and broken. If your spouse is willing to deal with you and somehow forgive you, take it. Then get help for your marriage.

Hang in there. Stay with us online and let us know what is happening.

little boxes · Newbie Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 5

Greenwidow - It does not surprise me at all that you would think I am making this up. No site, no book, nothing seems to sepak to me. I am a Christian. I have been tormented over this relationship for the entirety of the four years. There have been no fewer than 6 times that we "called it off" - and during at least two or three of those times I really was trying to be a better wife and a better person. But I was never honest with my husband - I found I could not be - still can not. It is almost more painful to speak to him of the things that have been left so empty - the places the other man filled - than it was to tell him I had an affair. I have always taken a very "protective" role, he has always played the "child" in our relationship, and I have always shied away from telling him things that would cause him to act hurt and like a scolded child.

My family is hundreds of miles away. They know to some extent. I know how my mom would feel, I know what her advice would be - more importantly I know what my father would say - and it would not be a fun conversation. But I am 34 years old and they pray - a lot. They both took me aside and gently warned me about the wisdom of the pairing when my husband & I were engaged. My father asked me if I was sure I could be happy/content with always being the bread-winner (apparently not), and my mom warned that it was important I understood he would always be the man he was on that day - I could not expect him to become something he was not (I did).

I love this other man's children and I love my own and hate that pain has touched them. And, one of the things I love about this other man is, he is the man who would not ever walk away from his family if there is something he can do to "right the ship". He is a good and descent man - who has never understood or sought to understand why he cheats. I know why he does - but he can not see it, and he needs God so badly - his whole fmaily does - so I am praying for that. There are most certainly needs that his wife meets that I never could. Granted, they are perhaps not on his "top 5" list - but they are there. Those of us who are fairly independant and "driven" tend to require someone to "balance" our tendancy to push and go and forget about things like love and nuturing and thus need someone in our lives who can be a bit "soft". There are needs that the other man could never meet for me that my husband always could. But these needs are so much less "important".

My husband - he deserves my apology and my request for forgiveness. He needs to hear me say that what I did was wrong - big and bad wrong & that I am sorry for the pain I have caused - because I am. At the same time, I can not fathom that there is a way for me to love him in a "powerful" way that amazes anyone. He is a good man, sweet and kind and gentle and compassionate. And I wish those were qualities that registered more with me. He has struggles of his own that I am hoping he will talk to someone about.

In regards to the questions about the "love" between myself and this other man. I know Corinthians 13. And the answer is "yes". He and I both struggle with all of those things - patience, kindness, pride, anger, irritability, infidenlity - in our relationships with our spouses. Together we never struggled with any of those things. We were honest - sometimes painfully so - with one another - rarely withour spouses. We were much more patient with one another's tendency to be a bit bossy than either of our spouses ever could be. We both have struggled - since long before we met one another - with respecting our spouses and showing them respect - and never was that an issue with each other. We have been best friends who understood and "got" each other for four years. It was never just about sex or some driven attempt to get unmet needs met - maybe it was at first, but we have spent four years talking together every day, seeking each other's advice and counsel on everything from child-rearing to career development to finances. We have functioned much like husband and wife for four years -which I understand was a wrong thing, but the point is, we have come to rely on one another in the way a husband and wife rely on one another, and the "infatuation" phase went away about 3 1/2 years ago.

[size=9][size=18][b]And I say all of that to say - I do not doubt for one second that I love him and he loves me. But I am not his wife and he is not my husband and there is just no way that it is right or good or anything positive for anyone that the relationship continue. I KNOW this - please hear me. I KNOW that he MUST seek to repair his marriage and I must seek to repair mine - if for no other reason than to finally be obedient to God. So we have ended all contact. Regardless of the pain. It is what must be done - it is, on many levels, what we each WANT at this point... EVEN THOUGH we both feel at this point there is no way we will feel for our spouses what we have felt for one another - it is still what we WANT - to try and restore our families, to try and find that powerful love and connection with the person to whom we are married.[/b][/size][/size]

My husband just dropped our daughter off - she has been with him this weekend... and his girlfriend and her child. This woman hates that he & I have any contact, wishes he would get the show on the road with the divorce, and is, the COMPLETE opposite of me... young, sweet, of another culture (and definitely not a Christian), loves his fancy sports car he bought the second he left... anyway, I was surprised, given that I thought we had a "moment" in church today to see him with her at my house. I guess I need to deal with the fact that he may not be interested in reconciliation and that my "price" will be ending up the one alone in all of this.

So - I am a very broken woman who could not be more aware of the pain I have caused. I am doing a few things "right". I am actively looking for a new job perhaps in a new city to remove myself from this man. I am seeking Christian counsel. I am trying to be kind and open with my husband and encouraging him to talk to someone at our church. I am trying to keep the "input" good - I sing, and so am drowning myself in all the Christian music I can find. I am reading my Bible and praying throughout the day. I am trying to catch myself thinking about the other man and ask God to remove that thought. I have tried to get some rest. And, for some reason, I am talking on this site. And right now that is all I know to do.

Thank you all for your feedback.
Take care.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2161 Location: Chicago

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 391 Location: NJ

I can only offer a few random thoughts at the moment because of time constraints.

First, welcome here. The fact that you are here shows that God is working in you to show you the light. Let God work in your life.

Second, I see a theme in what you have written that you are an independent, self-reliant person. I have been humbled in my life to know that I am not as self-reliant as I thought I was. In fact, in hind sight, I have messed up things pretty badly on my own. It is a hard fact, but it is only when we learn to completely trust in Him that our lives will change for the better. We have to completely trust in God's control and God's direction for our lives.

Third, your feelings of love, etc. for this other man are subjective. Our culture is very much enslaved by subjectivism these days. We base decisions on our feelings. However, God has given us absolute laws, and He is pretty clear that he wants us to follow them. We cannot trust our own feelings; we can only trust what God has told us.

Finally, I would like to offer an excerpt from Romans 7. In addition to the excellent books that have been recommended, I highly suggest that you read Paul's epistles.

Romans 7:15-24

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 315 Location: In Prayer

"In love" feelings are only temporary. We seek them in one person, then the next and then the next. Marriage is a choice - it is choice to be committed and dedicated for life, not until my "in love" feelings fade.

It is a choice to sacrifice, like Jesus did for us. It is a choice to serve, like Jesus did for us. Neither sacrificing or serving is easy. We'd rather have someone do it for us, than for us to do it for someone else.

When marriage becomes all about "me" - it become a selfish relationship instead of a giving one. A marriage will not survive with this mindset and neither will the next marriage after that one and so on.

Work on you - work on your issues with a counselor. Stop concentrating on your husband's issues. Until you are honestly willing to work on you and your relationship with Christ, this marriage will not work and neither will the next relationship you decide to jump into.

You have been deceived by the Evil One that this relationship with the other man was one of love and respect. It was not. The serpent is wise, he holds that apple out there for us just waiting for us to take the bite. Well, dear, you gobbled up the whole apple on your own. Your husband didn't take a bite of this one.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 391 Location: NJ

little boxes,

I was thinking and praying some more about your situation. As the others have said, I hope you take this in the spirit of love and compassion, which can be hard to convey on the internet.

In your first posting you used the word "I" about 56 times. I did not see much acknowledgement of all the collateral damage that your extramarital affair caused, to your child, your husband, his children, his wife, other relatives, co-workers, and so on. On top of that, you mention all the time you have spent with him

CZ · Newbie Joined: 23 Nov 2005 Posts: 8

I understand your situation. I can relate to you being driven, strong willed, "on top of your game"... My wife is somewaht the oposite of that and yet, we are married and work to make it work. I am sure most marriages, if not all, have some degree of 'mismatch' going on.

With that said, there is a greater purpose to all of this (life), and it is beyond what we can necessarily see and touch. If we believe that is to be true, it will change our perspective. I have to remind myself regularly of this because I am talented, successful, good looking, smart, etc. (no, I am not bragging - but am mentioning that because of the context of the message I am trying to convey). We are here on earth for much more than ourselves and our desires. God does see all and judge's all. He wants the best for us and gives us free will to choose His way or our way (and a variety of choices which ultimately are 'approved' by Him/fall within His guidelines)

I read an excellent article today at Familylife.com. I believe it would be of benefit for you to read it as well.

http://www.familylife.com/familyroom/article.asp?aid=583&code=FRMAR07F4&cat_id=194&DCMP=EMC-TFR+March+2007&ATT=583C

I hope and pray the best for you and your husband and child.

Woman in recovery · Newbie Joined: 02 Mar 2007 Posts: 2

I learned several months ago of my husband's long affair with someone at work, and the road back is by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I look at your story and I think that you, like my husband, have a very long way to walk in maturity.
What are marriage vows about? We are adults; why can't sacred promises be respected? Do you see your children's faces before you when you cheat or have wrong thoughts? Aren't those faces enough to pull you back to reality? If you love God, how on earth can you go through with something that offends and disgusts Him so much?
Of course illicit relationships seem better. They are in unrealistic conditions, between immature people focused only on themselves and the present. Marriage is not like that, and it's often not fun because of the day-to-day responsibilities it entails. But it is God's plan. You are in utter, immature denial if you persist with anything else.
Pray for God to clean out your mind and heart so that you can live as a mature woman. Keep praying until it is gone. The pain you have inflicted on others, and will continue inflicting, is greater than anyone deserves to have to suffer. You had a faithful husband willing to forgive your foolishness and immaturity; do you know how many women long for that? Stop fixating on yourself and be a woman of God.

kirklinal · Newbie Joined: 04 Apr 2007 Posts: 1

Girl, my first time here and reading your blog from February, I sure hope you have realized the "grass isn't greener on the other side" As I read your first blog it was like reading my own story. Basically the same thing happended to me. I had an affair with a co-worker for (6) years both of us married with children. The hardest part for me of course was trying to reconsile my marriage...going on 3 yrs ago but another hard part was really not having "closure" but my counselor advised me that CLOSURE was a manipulating way of doing it again. After the night my husband found out, it was during Christmas break so we were both off work and when we came back after the holidays, our boss moved him to another office and we never spoke again!!! Imagine that...I went thru months of depression but my husband was hurting so much that I had to ignore my emotional distress and help him with his. My friends of course didn't want to hear my problems and we counseled together so I never talked to any one about it....here comes church. We started attending and I prayed daily to help both of us get over the distress. Anyway three years later and have to say this situation happened in my life for a reason, to help someone else in the same situation. Here it is: get as far away from this man as possible and pray every day for repentance over your deceitful thoughts. It is the only way!!! Things are still difficult for me even (3) years later but if GOD weren't in my heart, it would be worse!!! I'll be praying for you!!!

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