communication skills needed-HELP

hisgirl · Newbie Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 1

Anyone out there like to give me some advice on ways to help improve my communications skills when I'm angry or upset with my husband.
When I get upset with him I don't know how to talk to him, I just pout and sull up and won't talk and then when I do I blow up, it's like I have this inner anger in me that I don't know how to release or control...I don't want to get upset and the smallest things at times but I do it anyway....and then when I have got the nerve to speak about how I truly feel he has thrown the divorce word out there, so now needless to say, I'm afraid to speak openly about my feelings. Insecure, I would say yes I am...I know he loves me and I love him very much but I seem to have this problem of knowing how to express my feelings without holding things in and be more forgiving...

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

You are so wise to be working on this anger issue now. While anger eats away at families, it ultimately destroys the invidual completely.

My husband and I have adopted the following guidelines in the last year and they work for us:

1. The D word is to never be used in our home again. Have a serious discussion when things are calm about whether the two of you ever want to be apart. If there is no biblical reason for a divorce, you need to eradicate that word forever.

2. Don't sweat the small stuff. I have found myself wrapped up in the small stuff over the years. Does it REALLY matter that you are picking up socks? Hold the things that really bug you until the end of the day. Make time at the end of the day for a devotional reading, a short prayer together and then a discussion of the ups and downs of the day. Do not go to bed angry. By waiting to address the anger until the end of the day, you will shed everything that is small. You will deal with those things that really need your attention. Use words that do not accuse when you describe your reaction to events of the day.

Example: I feel frustrated when.... Instead of I don't like it when you... Describe the event, not the person.

We call this couch time. We light a candle or sit around the fireplace and turn the lights off. It helps with eye rolls and other irritating body postures which further erode communication. Holding hands and sitting close are great ways to soften anything that really needs to be addressed.

It may help for you the two of you to try and remember what brought you together. What do you love about each other? What history do you have together? What would each of you miss about each other were you to never be together again? What moments of pure joy do you remember experiencing with this person? It's tragic that so many people have to have a death or accident to realize how much they really do cherish a relationship.

3. If something can't wait until couch time, have a short discussion about it right then and then further examine your feelings at couch time. Use each other to examine your anger and figure out why some things trigger strong emotions in you or your spouse. If you know what your spouse values, you can make better decisions that are less likely to offend or hurt the other.

4. Concentrate on lovingly supporting your spouse. And make sure it is returned. You need to both read the "Love Chapter" (1 Corinthians 13) of the Bible and use that as a starting point for living out the Bible in your home.

Devotional Recommendation: Theresa and David Ferguson, Daily Devotionals for Couples.

rdsmith3 · Full Member Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 269 Location: NJ

greenwidow -- those are great ideas -- I am really impressed that you and your husband do that

hisgirl,

This is an area in which my wife and I struggle greatly. A big reason, I believe, is that we are both reacting out of some issues from before we were married, and reacting from some unresolved issues in our marriage. Also, I used to think that if my wife unloaded on me, threatened divorce, said unkind things, etc. then anything nasty I said in response was justified. Guess what? it is not. My sins are no less offensive to God. So we are both sinners.

I have been seeing a counsellor, and he has given me some suggestions to try out. First, I have to realize that God is sovereign and in control of everything. Second, I remind myself that my wife is a beautiful person; she is the wife that God gave me, a precious person. She is not my adversary. I get no points for winning an argument. Third, I pray for God to grant me wisdom and patience during our discussions. I pray that He will speak through me, and that only the truth will be spoken. Finally, I pretend that a pastor, or even Jesus, is in the room with us. How will I speak differently knowing that, because Jesus is in the room with us?

These suggestions have started to work for me. I hope you can find something that works for you. Counselling has been very helpful in my case.

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