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ceetee
Newbie
Joined: 26 Dec 2005
Posts: 8
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 Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 4:38 am Post subject: holding on by a thread and a prayer |
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I am a pastor's wife. I wrote the forum sometime ago about my husband and his "lover" whom he will not let go. I am raising two teen boys and still showing up church every Sunday and watching him preach the word of God.
He has continued to to speak with her, he purchased a life insurance policy with her as beneficiary, he transacts business with her. He talks to me about how difficult it is come fully back to our marriage after his experiences "sexual" of course...
I have prayed, and waited on the Lord, and sought counseling by myself, and remained faithful to him. I have asked him to leave and he won't. He won't wear his wedding band, so I stopped wearing mine. He's been in this trist for about four years. He portends to still love me, comes home nightly, pays bills, will not support me emotionally nor spiritually,
I hate to disrupt my boys life, my job, I have nowhere to go, only family overseas are Christian, what shall I do now? Prepare for the worse, or cut my losses and run. It's a loveless situation for me, stressful on my boys, its almost twenty five years of marriage..how could it come to this? |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2163
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 7:44 am Post subject: |
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I need you to help me understand, why this needs to be kept a secret?
A pastor who is carrying on an affair - emotional or sexual, should not be preaching the word of God to a congregation when he is the middle of sexual sin. This needs to be brought forward to the elders of the church.
I know you are terrified. I know this will affect your family financially. Do you believe God is in control of this for you?? Trust him to work it out. He will for your good, he always does.
Is there a trusted friend who could take you and the boys in for awhile?
Perhaps, it's time to look at controlled separation. Here's some information on what that looks like - http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/separation-guidelines-t854.html
As for your marriage. I cannot help you make a decision to "cut your losses". That's between you and God. You are certainly justified biblically to end your marriage, but it doesn't sound like this is what you really want to do. It appears you are seeking counsel - that is good. I think that's important toward working through any kind of healing and restoration with your husband. Even though he has hurt you deeply, there are still two boys to consider. What has your counselor suggested as next steps?
I need to ask. How do the boys know about what their father is doing?
There are some wonderful books on this subject that I'd like to recommend - Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson and Every Heart Restored by Stephen Arterburn.
I will continue to keep you in my prayers. |
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rdsmith3
Veteran
Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 391
Location: NJ
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| Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 2:20 pm Post subject: |
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I think SAM is absolutely right (as usual). A pastor/elder/overseer/leader of a flock must be accountable, and must be held to a higher standard.
See Titus 1:6-9
| Quote: | | An elder must be blameless, the husband of but one wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient. Since an overseer is entrusted with God's work, he must be blameless—not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. Rather he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined. He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it. |
and 1 Timothy 5:20 [referring to elders]
| Quote: | | Those who sin are to be rebuked publicly, so that the others may take warning |
I also found this about ministers http://www.mentoring-disciples.org/Pastor.html
| Quote: | A few years ago there was a survey where 200 ministers revealed they had committed adultery. Talking with each one, it was discovered they had four things in common:
They never believed they would be guilty of adultery.
Each had regular contact in his ministry with an attractive lady.
None were in an accountability group.
Each had little or no regular Quiet Time for personal feeding and confession.
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I am so sorry for the situation you are in. I understand completely that you are not looking forward to the disruption that will occur when your husband's sin is revealed. However, based on what you have said, his behavior is not Biblical. Continuing in the current mode is not healthy for you and your children, nor is it appropriate for a pastor. He should confess his sin to the congregation and repent. There should be further consequences for his behavior, as determined by the elders of the church.
You and your children will experience some short term pain as this comes to light, but God will use this to help you learn and grow. I pray that God will give you the courage to shine a light on this sin.
I witnessed something similar when I belonged to a small evangelical church. The pastor was guilty of a serious personal sin (which I do not need to reveal here). He eventually confessed to the congregation and apologized. He was placed on a leave of absence by the elders and was given other conditions to meet. The church was damaged, but I believe that God is using this incident to teach the pastor something. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2163
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 2:28 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the words of encouragement, RD.  |
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ceetee
Newbie
Joined: 26 Dec 2005
Posts: 8
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| Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 5:55 pm Post subject: |
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My Christian Friends:
Your support overwhelms me. It strengthens and encourages me to take a few more steps towards resolving a very ugly situation. I want to respond to as many concerns as you shared in your posts.
Our church is very small family style church. No members are members of our family. The church has been through some hardships over the years, not due to really anything related to my husband's pastorage.
After ten years of a struggling flock, there has been a renewal or revival of sorts, members are volunteering and attending bible study and Sunday School, things we had long prayed for.
My husband is not compensated as pastor. Some financial bumps lead him to give up his salary, that was about 7 years ago. He has served for 12 years now.
The boys are not fully cognizant of the gravity of their dad's indiscretions.
They know Daddy makes Mommy depressed. They supply me with an ample amount of hugs and kisses to weather my withdrawn and often depressed state. They are my Blessing during this bleak time.
I have spoken to my counselor about talking with the boys so she can get a feel on how they are doing emotionally. They still bring home great grades and I am often complemented on their school behavior.
My counselor plays a supportive role, discussing options now on both leaving and staying, no definitive plan established yet. As a pastor's wife, I live an isolated life. Trusting anyone with this sensitive information has not been an option for me.
I had hoped this situation would be found out by someone else, so the exposure to the public would not come at my hand, or else he would confess, neither has happened. He believes that has covered his sin, and I believe that to some extend, I believe he covered it to allow him to confess in a controlled situation, one that would not be devastating to the church.
I have read Love Must be Tough, and who knows more abut Mens indiscretions than Stephen Arterburn, I will get the book.
My boys love their Dad, I know they will be more forgiving about the his problem than me. They are young and may feel differently later, I will not seek to shape their opinions about their Dad.
There is much more than I can share at this time, but I will read and re-read your words and scriptures provided to make the tough decision which unfortunately must be made.
Keep me and my boys before the Lord, and I will keep the fine ministry of Growthtrac and its supportive counselors as well. Peace and blessings upon both of you |
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babycakes
Veteran
Joined: 06 Mar 2006
Posts: 315
Location: In Prayer
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| Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 6:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I had hoped this situation would be found out by someone else, so the exposure to the public would not come at my hand, or else he would confess, neither has happened. He believes that has covered his sin, and I believe that to some extend, I believe he covered it to allow him to confess in a controlled situation, one that would not be devastating to the church. |
| Quote: | | He's been in this trist for about four years |
Sin is sin and it's covered by Christ's blood if we confess it with our mouths and our hearts. Your husband has done neither.
It's been four years, and there has been no change of heart on behalf of your husband. His sin has not been covered, it's been hidden - hidden from his congregation and he's trying to hide it from God too. But, God sees it and knows it. And, it does not go unpunished. He must believe he's above God, if he can continue in this trist and not have his sin exposed. The question is: How long are you willing to continue living this lie? It's a lie with his pastorship of this church and it's a lie about your marriage. One lie after another.
You are in a very difficult place. I have lifted you and your marriage and your church up in prayer today. |
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