Help! marriage with no Love or Passion?

JefStorm · Newbie Joined: 01 Feb 2007 Posts: 2

I have found no one that I can trust or put my trust in to help. I have close friends and family but they all know my wife and I need some opinions from people who aren't close to us. There could be someone who has dealt with the same thing and been successful in rendering these problems.

The background is she grew up in a divorced home where she rarely saw her Father. What she witnessed between her parents wasn't love, romance or support. Her Mother never taught her about relationships, responsibility, etc. She did carry her to church and God has always been a big part of their lives.

I came from a home where God was always a big part of our llives. My parents went through some difficult times but always loved each other. It wasn't an apparent romantic relationship, but they cared. My parents were very responsible people, even though I look by and see that I was not taught to be as self-sufficient as i should have been.

Now, not to be offensive to anyone, but I do not believe in divorce. yes there are neccessary reasons and I can see it happening then. Too many people give up too easy. I also believe in my vows to both my Wife and God.

We have ben married for 10 years. We had to live with my parents for a brief period while our house was being built. Her Mother has always had health problems. My Wife had helth problems during our honeymoon. To me it seems that what a newly married couple should share in their first few years of marriage was never there. The passion was always interrupted by something.

We have been through our share of good times and bad. (Health, finance, jobs, our Baby.) I know that relationships on TV and movies are idealistic. I am not the best husband, I make mistakes. Everything doesn't always work out for the best in every situation.

As for me, I do try to be romantic. I consider her my Cinderella. I want to be the best so I can give her the best. I want to look good for her, pamper her, take care of her both emotionally and physically. I am now 40 and I realize that responsibility is a big thing. responsibility is a choice. i have one to my family, to God, to work, and to my Wife.

She always tell me to let her be the way she is. I want her to be her, but I remember the her I fell for. She was more energetic, responsible, daring. Now (because of her childhood?) she doesn't understand about keeping a clean house for one thing. And I do help in the house. She doesn't understand that when she dresses up, fixes up her appearance that it makes me feel special. She doen'st even care about her health or weight. She never approaches me to make love. I would just like for her to approach me to cuddle, or long kisses goodbye. I always make the first move to say "I love you" or kiss goodnight or anything.

She has always been unsure about romantic emotion and anything physical. It took her several dates for just a small peck of a kiss. (We even had to have long discussions about it.)

There were a couple of years she has slept on the couch and me in the bed. First it was the bed. I did everything to make it comfortable. Next, I snored loudly. I do and I am trying diffrent things to help. It is like she is making excuses. A married couple should at least share a bed.

I know that a woman like to be held, most of the time she doesn't. A man likes to be held sometimes too, especially after a hard or stressfell day. I'll admit that I am a social guy and she is reserved. Sometimes i have had to go to public functions and she has let minor aches and pains keep her at home. It would be nice to feel sincere support and sympathy from her.

Her Mother is still sick, many times close to death. I do not seem to be mean aboout this. She has more affection for her mother than me. This is not a jealousy issue. She plays all of her children. My wife's tone of voice is different to her than me. when it's with me it seems more like a business transaction.

I really want something to happen. I have prayed. I have tried talking to her and it winds up turning into a fight, because she is defensive about all these things. The passion isn't there from her. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to get in touch with my feminine side, but I want to feel needed, desired & special. Isn't this pasrt of love?

She says she feels and thinks things and I beg her to tell me. Being reserved isn't always good for a relationship.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2161 Location: Chicago

I can't talk to her, so I will talk to you.

Something to think about - what you need from her, she may not be emotionally equipped to give you based on her upbringing. She simply does not know how to verbalize it or express it. That's giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Second, it's possible she is emotionally and spiritually depleted within your marriage that there are no longer any feelings of love - not only for you, but for herself or your children.

Third, do you have a couples bible study group or ministry that you participate in together? In other words, do you have trusted brothers and sisters in Christ you do life with? Are there people you can go to that can share your burdens and pray for you and your marriage?

Fourth, when my husband and I have been stuck in our relationship, we have a Christian counselor we go see for tune-ups. It's the best investment we've ever made. It may be time for a tune-up. Be careful to not go into counseling with an attitude of all the things you want to fix about her. It's about opening lines of communication and finding new ways to love each other that will help recharge your romance batteries.

Fifth, all your feelings are your feelings. All of your needs are your needs. When our spouse cannot meet them, there is a place for us to go to be filled up - that is our savior Jesus Christ. He knows your pain, he knows your needs and your desires - lay them at his feet and ask him to provide the strength and wisdom you need to truly be a servant husband in your home.

Sixth, I haven't heard your wife's side to this.

Seventh, there are three books I would like to recommend to you -

Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn
Our Secret Paradise by Jimmy Evans
Experiencing Christ Together by Neil T. Anderson and Charles Mylander

See the Books on this Page-- click

Eighth, concentrate on her good qualites. I'm sure she has them. When we are feeling down and less than loved in our marriage, we have a tendency to concentrate on the negative. If you don't think your wife feels or recognizes this negativity, you are sadly wrong. A woman knows when she is less than cherished by her husband. She sees it in his eyes, his actions and hears it in his words.

Ninth, when is the last time you planned a long romantic weekend away? I know I need this time to get away from my home and the stresses of every day life. I need a time to chill and just be away with my husband and God. It's a time to reconnect emotionally and spiritually. It's important to do this at least twice a year.

Tenth, I have lifted you and your marriage up in prayer this afternoon. I pray that you seek the wisdom, counsel and guidance you need to get your marriage back on track. I pray that you honestly look at your heart for attitude adjustments. Often times, it's not our spouse who needs the adjustment, it's our own heart that's the problem.

PS -
A few last thoughts. Your wife could be suffering from depression.
And, if you don't like how the house if being kept clean, either pitch in more and do it to your liking or hire a housekeeper.

JefStorm · Newbie Joined: 01 Feb 2007 Posts: 2

Thank you most of all for your prayers. Thank you also for your advice. I am seeking help anywhere I can get Christian or expeerience help. I especially appreciate a females perspective.

One reason I am reaching out is I don't know who I can trust without them making it too big a deal or gossiping.

I have tried to get her to do Bible study time together.

Also, taking a weekend getaway is a problem for a couple of reasons. We have a somewhat financial problem at this time. She will not leave our baby with anyone. Which I am a little nervous about that. I agree we need this. We haven't had a vacation in a couple of years. But the problem started before this.

I do help around the house. I usually initialize some of it. Cleaning means doing dishes and a load of clothes.

I have meantioned counseling and talking it through. She doesn't even see a problem.

Believe me I have prayed and been seeking strength. I am tired of riding a wave. Being good, being bad. I'm not perfect but I am doing the best I can on my part.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 315 Location: In Prayer

You can still go for counseling on your own even if your wife won't go. Having someone to gain perspective from is always useful as well as ways to open up lines of communication.

Get away weekends do not need to be expensive. Even one night away is better than nothing. If you check your budget, sometimes there is some budge room for not eating out or not getting coffees for a month, so a night away is doable.

As for watching your child/children - a family member or a friend from church. We've switched off with several friends from church for one evening and they for us. We went to their house and watched the kids and
we set up a romantic place for them to stay in our guest room (no cost at all in that). At some point you have to trust someone, or getting away will never happen.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 391 Location: NJ

You have received some incredibly good advice above. There is not really much I can add to this.

I will say that I had some issues in my marriage, and I was convinced that it was 90% her and 10% me. I was sure of it. Hah! You can see where this is going ...

First, the Lord convicted me, in various ways, that I was not correct.

Second, regardless of whether I am 10% of the problem or 99% of the problem, I am still responsible for my 10% or 99%. I have to be accountable for my sins, and I have to work on my issues, which I can only do with God's help.

Also, I want to recommend the Every Man's Marriage book (Stoeker/Arterburn). Some of the scenarios they describe in the beginning of the book are very much like what I went through.

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