15 Years of Agony over Husband's Fantasy Life

CandyAnn · Newbie Joined: 30 Nov 2006 Posts: 7

I have never seen this issue dealt with or talked about anywhere and I feel so alone. So here goes… my husband thinks that it’s perfectly OK to bring fantasy (involving other people) into our bedroom (among other things). He actually verbalizes this junk during our times of intimacy and it literally makes me want to scream!! I’m not talking occasional here, he has really been relentless. At the worst of times it has literally been nearly every time we were intimate for months on end. At the best of times he has been able to abstain for 3 or 4 months at the most. He has filled my head so full of junk I can hardly stand it. It’s way too graphic and disgusting to go into any detail and therefore I’ve never shared any of this with a single living soul. He even expects me to fabricate/verbalize this junk for him, but I refuse, which makes him angry. About a week ago, we had another really big blowup about this, but he has glossed over it once again. When I came home from work the next day he had bought me flowers, which he never does. So I thought that he was trying to tell me he was sorry. That very night he did the same exact thing all over again, then afterwards he acted as nonchalant as ever. He is always able to somehow minimize the situation and make me feel that I’m just overreacting.

Other than my own prayers, I don’t have any other means of dealing with this. We have been married for 32 years and this situation has been ongoing for 15 years. I have some serious health problems that began about 8 years ago and I am also struggling with depression. I honestly believe that the stress in our relationship has played a major role in my health issues. I’m constantly on edge, waiting for the next episode. I feel like I’m dying a slow & painful death here; physically, emotionally, & spiritually. I’m literally at the end of my rope. Please don’t misunderstand me here, I would never harm myself.

If I would have journalled this mess all of these years, no one would believe what I’ve had to endure. I just can’t get him to understand that it’s wrong. We have talked/argued about this too many times to count. I’m to the point I can hardly stand the thought of being intimate. I don’t believe that he has ever really been able to acknowledge that his behavior is sinful. A couple of times that’s how I referred to it and he became very angry at me. I can’t seem to get through to him that this has seriously hurt our relationship. He is so blind to the damage this has done that he thinks we should have a pretty good relationship. He just doesn’t get what the big deal is and he has said as much on more than one occasion. We are both Christians and I don’t understand how we can be so far apart on this issue. I honestly don’t know how to proceed from here. I don’t want a divorce and I really don’t even want to separate. At the same, it’s a tremendous strain for me to even be in his presence, much less be intimate. I’m really struggling with how God can let this go on for so long and what the purpose is.

Would you please pray that I can just handle this one day at a time. I truly need wisdom from God and the courage to say what needs to be said to my husband when the time is right. If a separation is the only way to wake my husband up, I’ll truly need an extra dose of courage. The mere thought scares me to death. I think if I knew that even one person was praying for me I would be greatly encouraged. If you have any words of wisdom or encouragement that I could stand on, I would desperately appreciate hearing from you.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2162 Location: Chicago

We're so glad you came here to GT and have been willing to share some really difficult stuff.

Have you ever considered that your husband may have a pornography addiction or sexual addiction? Many of the things you describe in your post are definitely warning signs. And...there appears to be a desire to control. Sexual fantasy is not a bad thing in marriage, it can be fun at times, but not when you are bringing a "third" person other than God into the bedroom. Usually when a man wants to bring a third person into the bedroom mentally or physically, it is because of sexual/pornography addiction. It happens to Christian men and women.

Here are some articles on Growthtrac that speak about this subject. Just click on the link and you'll be able to read the article.

http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/article_806.php
http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/article_705.php

I would encourage you to seek professional counsel and to start talking with someone about this. It is not normal, no matter what your husband may try to say to convince you it is. You need this for your sanity, your relationship with the Lord and for what little may be left of your self-esteem.

I have lifted you and your marriage up in prayer. Please know you are a beautiful woman who is dearly loved by the Lord. This is not what God desires for your marriage. Your husband's sinful desires have distorted what should be beautiful, not shameful and degrading.

CandyAnn · Newbie Joined: 30 Nov 2006 Posts: 7

Thank you so much for your response!! It was such a big relief to finally get this off my shoulders. Just making the post was like a huge weight had been lifted off of me. I’ve done numerous searches on the internet over the years and never really saw anything that spoke directly to the fantasy problem. I don’t even recall how I happened on to this website, but it’s already proven to be a God-send. Your response was right on target. You have totally reinforced the views I’ve had about this all along. I agree with all of your suggestions, but I just don’t know how to act on them.

I’ve tried in different ways over the years to get my husband to see this for what it really is and it doesn’t seem like I’ve made any headway. It’s like beating my head against the wall. I don’t feel that we have ever resolved anything and that it’s always on the back burner ready to flare up at any time.

I’ve suggested counseling several times and each time he has gotten angry. Once I had him read an excerpt from “What Would Jesus Think”, by Mary Welchel, and he said “that’s just someone’s opinion”! He has accused me of trying to “psychoanalyze” our marriage. He has ridiculed me about being so “holy” or “righteous”. He has mocked and laughed at me right to my face. He has even told me that I’m the one with the problem. He honestly thinks that I’m just making a big deal out of what he considers to be harmless fun. A few weeks ago he actually said “I ought to be able to have fun with my wife without it being a big hassle”. I’m not trying to bash my husband here, but I thought these examples would give you some insight as to what I’m up against. He has never responded positively to any of my suggestions, so I guess I’m very gun shy at this point. Until he has a change of heart, I think my efforts are going to be futile.

We have a great church home and pastor, we have wonderful Christian friends, and we have a great small group. My husband would be furious to know that I’m even posting this, much less my trying to involve someone on a personal level. I can’t go on like this for the rest of my life, something has to give. What can I do to get through to him? Do I need to issue him an ultimatum? Would that be effective or would it backfire? Do I move into the guest room and decline further requests for intimacy until he at least agrees to some form of help or intervention? I think that he has rationalized and justified this in his head for so long that it would take something very drastic to wake him up. I just don’t know what to do!!

I greatly appreciate your prayers and support. Like I said earlier, just making the post was such a huge relief, but to know that you and possibly 50 others are praying for me at this time is miraculous. Please, please continue praying for me.

frazerm · Newbie Joined: 01 Dec 2006 Posts: 6

You say your both Christians, your husband sounds so much like I use to be for 13 years, I claimed to be a christian but I lived in constant sin, always seeking to please the flesh instead of the spirit.

I broke the chains of sin by completing a course I found here settingcaptivesfree, you will have to put the w and the dots in Smile

It really opened my eyes to just how evil and sick these fantasies are and turned my life around. I am not sure if your husband would be willing to take the course or not but you never know.

What I do know is that God will not put up with this constant sinning forever.

I will pray for you and your husband.

Mark

godsown · Newbie Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 1

I would like to reply to this hurt woman... I too have had to live with a husband who is "addicted" to pornography. It began before we even married... and I was startled to learn of it during our engagement. I was cleaning out his apartment and setting up the place for us both to live in... and there they were... the magazines .. you know what I mean. I was completely shocked... because nothing about his behavior... his actions..etc. would ever lend one to believe that he had this addiction. Well... we got married... and I thought I'd 'fix' him... I also thought we were both practicing Christians... but I came to the grim and honest conclusion that we were not on equal paths from day one... Why did I marry him anyway.. knowing this? Well the reason is very deep... and only God truly knows... What happened throughout our 16 years together was that he would hide the materials..etc.. He never, ever asked me to 'act-out' any of it.. nor did he discuss it.. For him it was his secret fantasy life... but as we all know what is hidden comes to light... even if we don't want it too.. It destroyed our intimacy and our lovemaking... not because he did or said anything in those private moments that would be considered harmful or repulsive.. but the "spirit" he brought into the bedroom and into our marriage was destructive.. After three years of this behavior... We discussed counseling.. and he agreed to go.. I was happy to see he was growing tired of the lies... or at least he pretended to be... We went to counseling in our local church... unfortunately.. the priest was not trained properly in this area.. and really it may have done more harm than good.. . After this attempt... we just keep living.. and I keep reaching out to friends with hints... and I finally gave the story to one good friend... who had no idea what to do with the information...(and it has put a real distance on the relationship ever since.. because of so much misunderstanding and hurt) which made me retreat even more so about the subject. However... I did pursue all the literature and information I could to educate myself on the issue... Focus on the Family.. and other resources were of great value to me... and changed the way I saw myself... and my husband/ husband's addiction... I was able to seperate the two... More years into our marriage we tried counseling again.. this time we had changed churches... The pastor again tried to direct us.. but it seemed he was also misinformed and was placing alot of the weight on my shoulders making me feel that it was something I was or wasn't doing right.. (after reading Affair of the Mind... I understood I wasn't alone on this... thank God!)... After unsucessful attempts on my husband's side to "break- the habit"... We moved on to yet another counselor... in yet another church... This counselor was different.. he was a pastor.. but a trained counselor and he understood... He could give us the materials we needed... or so I thought.. The initial counseling was very successful.. over 1 year or so... and I began to see a real change in my husband... However.. if the individual with the addiction does not stay accountable.. then all the hard work is for naught... right? Currently.. my husband is not talking about the addiction with me... although the Holy Spirit tells me off/on that he is still dabblin'... I continue to pray and seek my own counsel... and know that it may be a battle that will last a lifetime... My hope is that God will do whatever is necessary to save my husband from this...

So.. dear sister-in-the Lord.. don't give us... but get help for yourself... and continue to be with people who understand... love and encourage you in your healing... That's what I do...

God bless.
Godsown

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