I want kids, spouse does not

ClariMari · Newbie Joined: 01 Feb 2006 Posts: 6

I have been married about 2.5 years. I was 22 years old when I got married, and before getting married, my husband and I decided we did not want children. At the time, I agreed 100% because I wanted to be able to take lots of vacations whenever I wanted, have a career, and not worry about all of those little things that people with children have to worry about - especially when it comes to finances. I am currently a Junior in college, and the closer I get to completing my degree, and the older I get, I begin to want kids more and more (not now, but after college). Also, several of my close friends have gotten pregnant, and seeing them with their babies as well as spending time with their babies makes me want it even more! I had a conversation with my husband about this, and he is still dead set against it. He thinks that a kid would be more of a pain than a blessing and that this is not a "kid-friendly" world, so he doesn't want to bring a kid into it. Luckily time is on my side, but I also feel that since we made this agreement before marriage, then I can't really push the issue with my him, because I feel like I'm not keeping my end of the bargain. I'm not sure what to do in this situation. My husband is really good with kids and would make a great dad, but he just flat out does not want any kids. Any suggestions as to how to discuss this? Is there anything I can do? I am thinking not, but I thought I would check here for suggestions! Throughout my whole life I have always gone back and forth on the kids issue, and maybe I should have realized that when my husband and I talked about it before marriage, but I didn't. If never having a baby is my consequence for that, then I guess that is what I will have to accept, because I love my husband, and divorce is not an option.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 312 Location: In Prayer

Seems like your husband has made himself pretty clear and it doesn't sound like he's going to change his mind anytime soon. It's going to create a huge amount of stress to your relationship if you continue to push for a child. You may think he'll make a great father, but if his heart isn't in it - he will not make a great father. A great father needs to be invested 100%.

Just because other friends are having children doesn't mean it's right for you. If they need babysitters, why don't you offer to watch the kids for several hours. Your friends can always use a night out or an overnighter to refresh their marriages. I guarantee if you watch a baby through the night (and get up during the night) you may change your mind. Very Happy

You agreed to this way ahead of time. It really isn't fair to your husband that you want to change your mind.

A few of my friends are kiddiless. They have pets to fill the void.

CMcC · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 53

Marriage is about compromise and being flexiable. You are not always going to see eye to eye on issues. It would be wonderful if you always agreed, especially on the big issues....but marriage doesn't work that way. It's natural for you to change your mind. Is marriage everything you thought it was going to be when you first got married? I'm sure you've had your ajustments. He's your husband, you should be able to talk to him about ANYTHING. Truthfully tell him how you feel. You don't have to be confrontational about it, but let him know where you are and why. Hopefully he'll understand where you are coming from even if he doesn't agree. He might even surprise you and agree.

As a parent of 3 kids, I've had my share of discussing family issues. Most couples discuss whether to have kids or not. Then for those having kids, the discussion leads to when do we start? Then with each baby, you discuss whether or not to have another one in the future. It's a continuing discussion. Before marriage you had an idea of how life was going to be...bet you've already had to change a few of those ideas. Point is, life and ideas sometimes change as we get older. It's called maturing. Talk to him. See if he is still against having kids, maybe he's having second thoughts too. But remember, always be respectful, your feelings are just as valid as his. If he's not ready now, maybe he will be in a few years.... Then again, maybe you'll change your mind....

Good luck and let me know how it turns out.... Smile

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 311 Location: NJ

My wife and I are each on our second marriage. We both brought two kids to the marriage. We agreed that we did not want to have a child because life is complicated enough. We got a dog instead. The kids liked the dog, but somehow it just wasn't what my wife and I thought it would be. Then she started talking about having OUR baby. I gave her all the reasons why it was not a good idea, and I meant it. Besides, I am 46, which is pretty old for a dad, and I had a vasectomy before I had met my wife. (Can you see where this is headed?)

Well, after a lot of thought and prayer, we agreed to give it a try (and it is fun trying.)

Six months ago, our wonderful son was born. What a blessing from God. So keep praying, but don't nag your husband Wink

I took this picture of him holding my finger the day he was born.

underthesea · Junior Member Joined: 12 Oct 2005 Posts: 34

My husband and I have also been on opposite sides of this issue. Before we were married we frequently talked about having children. After marriage, when everyone keeps asking "WHEN" we simply began saying "NEVER" as a reply. Somewhere along the way, with no discussion, this became his decision. There are many things behind this, his fears, our relationship, but my feelings are still the same. Children are a huge responsibility in a marriage and should not be brought into a marriage unless both partners are agreeable to having them. I do believe that children are a blessing, but life can be hard enough as it is without getting a feeling from a parent at home that they weren't exactly wanted in the first place. Many kids do live with this, but do you really want your child to experience that? Do keep praying and do keep looking for children in your church, neighborhood to help and love.
There are many out there who will only get that from outside their home. Keep the communication with your husband open on the topic if he is willing. If not, pray harder.

Hombre del Oeste · Newbie Joined: 09 Nov 2006 Posts: 5

Fine.

Shoot the messenger.

-What did I say that was un-Biblical?

-What did I say that is not highly effective in most cases?

ClariMari · Newbie Joined: 01 Feb 2006 Posts: 6

Thanks to everyone for the advice - I do always appreciate what the people in hear have to say about issues. Although I don't post much, I do read a lot, and I always find good advice.

As to my husband and I, we did have serious talk, and he still does not want them. I guess I can only hope that will change in the future, but I have decided to just focus on the now - I have enough to focus on, that's for sure - and maybe talk to him after I graduate in a few years. He has an older brother that was all against having kids until he hit about 28 years old. Now he and his wife are planning on trying next year. Maybe my husband will follow in his older brother's footsteps....

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