HELP

shelly · Newbie Joined: 22 Dec 2006 Posts: 4

I have been married for 12 years now and blessed with two children. My husband is generally a nice guy, however there are times that he seems aloof when it comes to our relationship. He is not a very outspoken person but when prodded for conversation he would talk. I am outspoken and can be labelled as friendly. Whenever we go out together as a couple we always end up quarelling - he does not like me smiling or saying hello especially to men even if I know them. This has made me feel suffocated because I end up not saying hello to people I know. He says when I am with him I should concentrate on him and mind my own business. I have tried to talk to him about this but he sticks to his stand. Another time he actually harassed me in front of people I know and I categorically told him that would be the last time for him to do this to me and never will I go out with him alone because I don't get to enjoy my evenings out with him.

Now that was just a brief.... I am starting to have feelings for another man who supplies stuff where I work and is very likeable. Two of my colleagues have hinted that the guy is attracted to me and this has prompted me to start thinking seriously about him and I am scared that I might be falling for him. I know this is wrong but sometimes it overwhelms me. My conversations with the guy are on official and a little bit of general issues, he has never communicated anything outside this. I try telling myself that he would not be interested in me (he actually knows my husband) but deep down something tells me he would be interested. I find myself entertaining thoughts about the guy and me - nothing sexual.

I have noone to talk to about this because I feel ashamed as I am respected in the society which makes it very hard for me to confide in anyone even my pastor.

If there is anyone out there who has been through this, please help me before I do something very stupid. I love my husband and would not trade him for anyone else and I would not want to hurt my family. Sad

foenyxhealing · Newbie Joined: 03 Dec 2006 Posts: 7

The first thing that comes to me is to put the energy into your marriage that would otherwise go into this other interest. Maybe the both of you can talk to your pastor for help finding how to work through some of your problems, or even to find what the problems are if you can't put your finger on it.

Best wishes to you, working through things can be hard, but I think in most cases it is worth it.

shelly · Newbie Joined: 22 Dec 2006 Posts: 4

Thanks for your advice Healing.

The thought of telling my husband about this really scares me and I feel ashamed to even confide in my pastor.

As for energy...........I have tried and tried.....

I have always been the one who read the books, submits, patches things up and the peacemaker - one time I had been very angry at my husband and he snapped ..."you are the one who reads the books and are the peacemaker in this house, why do you give up easily?" meaning he actually knows I try.

I think my biggest problem is I feel taken for granted by my husband and need assurance from him. He does not like discussing issues pertaining to our relationship (I think he feels undermined or something). The biggest issue we have is finances. I pay for tuition/books for my children; food, groceries and the housekeeper; and I do get broke sometimes especially during a new school term so when I ask him for money he changes his mood, gets angry and asks me what I do with my money - this has happened many times making me feel taken for granted and unappreciated. Each discussion ends with a verbal fight and I give up.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

My dear sister in Christ - you are not going to like what I have to say. You're walking right through the door of an emotional affair. And.. an affair does not need to be sexual in nature. When you have lustfully looked at or thought of someone other than your spouse... you've committed adultery.

Here's some information that was posted in the Growthtrac blog awhile ago -

shelly · Newbie Joined: 22 Dec 2006 Posts: 4

Thanks a lot Sam - I am actually in tears with remorse.

I guess this is what I needed to be told - I know I have wronged first of all God (which makes me feel very bad) especially knowing that I am cheating and my husband. I would not wand to hurt him and the children, and I am ready to swallow the bitter pill and resist temptation however hard.

Please stand with me in prayer and God bless you tremendously.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

You're welcome.

The next thing I have to ask -

What steps are you going to take be honest about this with your husband and share the feelings you have shared here? Including your feeling about this other man. You need to let your husband know, process this and ask for his forgiveness. Sin cannot be kept in hiding.

What are you going to do to improve things in your marriage that will help the lines of communication that are broken right now?

Each family is different in how they handle finances. The question to ask is - Does how we handle finances create division or oneness within our family and marriage? Maybe some adjustments need to be made. Things do not have to stay the same.

Also, when going out to dinner together - visit places where friends do not go. Your husband deserves your undivided attention.

Things are broken, they are going to need some healing and some fixing.
I've prayed for you this morning and for your marriage.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Shelly,

My husband's mistress was once a professional that he worked with in a very public arena. They were never alone and yet they learned so much about each other that they felt they really knew each other. One night someone in their group had to leave early and left them to themselves. It went downhill from there. Once my husband had crossed the line he felt I would never be able to forgive him. He quit trying to be my husband and put all his efforts into moving towards her.

Today he would tell you that he never really understood the phrase, "Guard your heart." He couldn't imagine what you would ever guard your heart from, but anything that you let slip between you and your husband will destroy your life as well as his.

Get help together, today. There is no other way. You both have things that you want to have worked out. It's hard to be objective from where either of you stands.

shelly · Newbie Joined: 22 Dec 2006 Posts: 4

I have been away for some time for the holidays. This has given me time to think very hard and I am gathering courage to tell my husband the truth - I must admit I am very scared and need a lot of wisdom on this one but I feel I have to do it so that I can take off the biting load I have within me.

I have been asking for forgiveness from God ever since and I know He forgives but would my husband forgive me? I don't know whether anyone has gone through this feeling of uncertainty - I need encouragement please. Once I talk to him about this, we will look for Christian counsellor for therapy.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Shelly,

If I were on your side of the coin, I would make the appointment with the counselor and lay all the cards on the table there. I think that you love your husband, you have just lost the bloom of first love. If you haven't crossed the line with this person in your office, the healing can begin immediately.

A counselor will help you define issues that each of you have and help determine what is reasonable. It sounds like you need a greater demonstration of his love, all the time. It sounds like he needs your attention too. You are both starving for each other's attention, but neither of you knows how to give that attention to the other. The really sad thing is that the only thing both of you need to do is completely give yourself to God and your spouse, without reservation. When you both give yourselves away completely you are free to receive the gift of love in return.

Take the next few weeks and carve one hour at the end of the day for talking quietly in your living room, without kids, without TV, without the telephone. Start with I really love it when...I am frustrated when...I wish that...Don't end any of those sentences with something that tears him down. Try reading a devotional together during that time or at least your Bible. Pray together and the answers will start to come.

Lisa

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

As long as you share that there is something broken within you and you do not place blame on him, he may accept this better than you think.
We each contribute to the breakdown in our marriages, it's seldom one-side. And...I'm sure he has his faults, but your thoughts and actions are the ones that strayed from your marriage. So, that is where you need to concentrate on the healing with your husband and with God.

There is a book by Angela Evans called Do You Think I'm Beautiful? that I would like to recommend. It's about find the love of your life, worth and beauty in Christ. There is also a bible study that goes with it. It asks the question - Do you believe God is head over heals in love with you?? That you are cherished and adored?

Also, another one I read in recent months that is fabulous is Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Etheridge. It speaks to the heart of women about how their thoughts and words affect their relationship with Christ and with their husbands. It's pretty powerful. Unfortunately, I saw way too much of myself in this book, but it made me realize a great deal about how much God has grown me up and has worked on my marriage. Very Happy

I have prayed for you and your marriage and that God will give you the courage and the words to speak to your husband. It may not be pleasant at first, but the fact that you are confessing this to God and to your husband, will release you from the grip of this sin.

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