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Dead Helen
Newbie
Joined: 29 Nov 2006
Posts: 4
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 Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 9:27 am Post subject: husband stunting my growth |
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My husband and I were both baptised this past June. Since then, he has maybe gone to church twice and just doesn't want to put forth the effort in being a Christian. This angers me to no end for various reasons. First of all, I had been going to this church for 3 years and he went once. He has never shown interest. I was saved in 1982 but never baptised. I was finally going to do it. I live in a cold,very cold climate so setting the right date was important. After much planning with pastor and my brother who would be traveling 700 miles to be here, a date was set. I let hubby know and he was like, "I want to get baptised, too" So I went to pastor and of course he needed to talk to hubby to be sure. so, a week before they sat down to talk and at the end of the week, my hubby would be baptised,too. I am furious that he got baptised without any thought of what he was truely doing. It has gotten so bad between us that I gave up. I haven't been to church in almost 4 weeks, I packed up all my religious books, including my Bible and just quit. I feel very empty and alone and I cannot seem to get past this. Hubby doesn't understand where I'm coming from. He does not believe that he shouldn't be able to have God in his life right along side Ozzy Osbourne! I am a previos big hair headbanger but I gave it up. It wasn't that difficult to give up and so easy to fall back into. I begged and yelled for hubby to go to someone in the church and ask the questons about music and other questionable stuff. He would not. He would not believe what I tell him unless I can pinpoint it's exact location in the Bible. He took something very important to me and made a mockery out of it. I just don't know what to do any more. I gave up fighting with him. begging, talking. I also gave up God and church and my prayer time. It's very hard to live in a house where I cannot speak of something so important to me. Hubby did this so he would not be left out and now it's snowballed. I know i am rambling but I haven't spoken to anyone about this. If any one has advice, please please please. There is more to this story, but this is the basics. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2041
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 9:56 am Post subject: |
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We all grow and change differently with God. Your husband cannot be like you and you cannot be like him. Yes, it is frustrating when our growth is ahead of our spouse.
The question to ask yourself is - How am I modeling Christ and the fruits of the spirit to my spouse? Those fruits are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Giving up will never help your relationship with Christ. Go to church without your husband. Develop relationships that will build you up and help you survive the rough spots of life. We are called by God to be part of community. I know when my husband and I did life alone, without God and without a church home, we pretty much messed up our marriage.
It sounds like your husband may have gone along with the baptism to make you happy and his heart really wasn't in it. Perhaps, he may doubt Christ and faith?? Becoming a Christian means a lot more than just believing in God - it means surrendering your life and your heart to God and asking for him to forgive your sins. Maybe this is something your husband has or hasn't done. Surrender is a pretty hard thing to do, especially when you don't want to give up a lifestyle that you love and perhaps isn't quite in line with what people perceive a "good" Christian to be.
You can't change your husband or force your husband into this God or church thing. It means you're trying to control this situation instead of letting God do his work in your husband.
There is a great book by Lee and Leslie Stroebel called Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage. It will help you a great deal in realigning your priorities and staying the course with your faith and trusting God to do the rest of the work in your husband.
I came into a relationship with Christ before my husband. We have grown and changed at different levels ... and we've never been at the same level even after many years. We're different people.
BTW - God does not give you an "out of jail" card with your marriage when your spiritual journeys are different. If you want the scripture on that, let me know. |
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Dead Helen
Newbie
Joined: 29 Nov 2006
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 11:02 am Post subject: husband stunting growth |
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I do realize that we will grow at different paces. we got baptised in June and our anniversary was in August. He bought me a huge photo of David Bowie. Just this past week he brought me home a Metallica cd. They are from my previous life. When I come home from church, it's very frustrating to hear Ozzy blasting out of my house. I am not a "perfect" and sometimes not even a good Christian(to myself and to him with my attitude). I have my sins to contend with. I am a smoker and I am very high strung. I am angered easily and can be very hurtful and mean. I struggle with these and I work on them regularly, sometimes on a second by second basis. Hubby sees himself as "right" without batting an eye. I have a 17 year old son and I put down certain rules with his music. I do not allow any music that would be offensive to God. He gets it, and he has no problem with it. Hubby threw a fit. I have told him time and time again to talk to someone besides me. Don't take my word for it. He refuses. Ok, I went on a rant. I feel he is trying to sabatoge me so he won't have to be called to the carpet; not just by me but by anyone. Oh, he also told me that he thought it wasn't right for me to decide to get baptised without discussing it with him first. Get a grip. I am very unhappy in my marriage. I have very little respect for my husband and on some days cannot stand the sight of him. I have no intention of getting a divorce and am not looking for a "get out of jail free" card. I want to be happy in my marriage. My husband is all I have. I hate the fact that the distance between us has gotten so wide. Obviously there are other issues besides this, but to me, this is the big one. All other problems are meaningless. I did not want hubby going to church with me in the first place. The most important thing in my life I should be sharing, but I wanted him out. Why? He takes over everything. I couldn't go to someone in the church. It would have embarresed hubby and he would be upset and probably never set foot in church again. I liked having him in church with me when he came. Now, I don't want him there. There has to be more of a solution than reading a book. I miss church. I go 3 times a week. How can i get him to talk to someone? Since he doesn't want to be a part of church, how do I decide hoe to tithe? How do I decide anything that he should be in charge of? If it were up to him, we would give as little as possible to the church. He doesn't realize the ramifications his decisions, or lack therof, have on me also. ZI will look for the book you suggested. Thank you |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2041
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 11:38 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | There has to be more of a solution than reading a book |
Counseling?
When my husband and I have been at an impass in our relationship, we've sought out Christian counsel. It is affordable if you do some homework. If your husband will not go, then go for yourself.
As for books - I'm an avid reader and books can help because they are written by people who have painful personal stories to tell and can provide advice and hope. Books are a resource and I recommend them to those who may want to read and pick up on some great information that is out there.
I'll recommend two more books I've read recently - Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Etheridge and Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs. A lot of your personal and marital issues you've mentioned are addressed in these books along with first one I mentioned.
Ranting, raving, anger and bitterness - how's that working for you?
Your only option is getting some professional help to change the direction of your marriage. We all have behavioral patterns that are not healthy - seeking the help you need is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength, growth and maturity. You can work on yourself. You cannot work on him - only he can do that.
Does your husband have any other Christian men in his life who he respects that would help him with accountability? How about a Christian woman in your life that could help you with the same thing? |
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Dead Helen
Newbie
Joined: 29 Nov 2006
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 6:43 pm Post subject: husband stuntin growth |
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| If anger, frustration, etc were doing me any good would I be seeking help? I hate being hateful. It's one of the things I have been working on, with a degree of success I might add. Please do not get me wrong. I, too, am an avid reader. We had a counselor suggest His Needs, Her Needs and the other one I cannot think of the title. I bought not just the reading material, but the work books that go with them. I read both books and looked at the "contract" in the workbook, but he didn't want anything to do with them. I have sought counceling on my owm; my husband thinks I am the one who needs it, not him or us. I know I have deep issues. He will not see or talk to anyone who disagrees with him. He hasn't been in church enough to establish any kind of freindships or aquaintences. I want to be in love with my husband. Yes, I have established many friendships in the church, but if I go to one of them, he will know and feel embarassed and betrayed. He thought I was telling him not to listen to Ozzie Osbourne as a way to be right and control him. That's when I told him not to believe. Go find out on his own what is considered right and wrong in the religion he chose to partake in. If all i wanted to do was be right I could be. I want him to be serios about the steps he took to be a Christian. To me, he mocked something very sacred to me. Yes, I have resentment towards him for this. I don't like that either. My husband and I do not communicate well, obviously. I have gone thru some of The Power of a Praying Wife. I learned a great deal from it. Not about him, but about myself. So I should just get a grip and continue on my spiritual journey alone? That breaks my heart. |
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Sunshine
Newbie
Joined: 25 Nov 2006
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 11:02 pm Post subject: |
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He needs time to develope his belief in God.Yours is about giving up things & hubby needs time to adjust to learning.He may have done it to not be left out but isn't it a good thing that he chose? Lots of partners won't just cos the other is into it.You need to do what's right for you in following God & not put your beliefs onto your hubby.Smile & be glad he's taking baby steps.
My man is very religious & I'm basically a beginner.He has told me things & told me things he thought I need to hear but we both are just glad we both want God as individuals.We support each other to encourage each other about sticking with God.I haven't met my guy yet & it'll be interesting to see how we go together about our God beliefs etc but we will be ok.
Why walk away from Church & pack your religious books up? You had reasons to believe & now at something you just turn your back? It's your stuff,your belief etc,you go for it & encourage hubby in subtle ways.
Be thankfull he didn't try to talk you out of it but embraced it himself as a beginner.
Not trying to be nasty to you.Hope you're ok & feeling better.
Das |
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cjbaldw
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 32
Location: Delaware
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| Posted: Thu Nov 30, 2006 1:16 pm Post subject: Re: husband stunting my growth |
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| Dead Helen wrote: |
My husband and I were both baptised this past June. |
Congratulations on your public step of obedience to the Lord!
| Quote: | | Since then, he has maybe gone to church twice and just doesn't want to put forth the effort in being a Christian. This angers me to no end for various reasons. First of all, I had been going to this church for 3 years and he went once. He has never shown interest. |
I can certainly understand how that would be very frustrating for you, but let's take a look at a few things here that I think are worth pointing out. One, it is your choice ultimately, to decide what does and does not anger you. If you choose to be angry about this, then own that choice, and recognize that you can also choose NOT to be angry about these things as well. At least be conscious of the choices you are making in this regard (which you may well already be doing).
| Quote: | | I was saved in 1982 but never baptised. I was finally going to do it. |
Why did you wait so long to make this choice? Let's reverse engines here a bit and ask the question of, how would you have responded in 1982 if someone important in your life demanded baptism or frequent church attendance, and became extremely frustrated at you because you weren't functioning on their timetable? I'm trying to point out that obviously something happened to you in 1982, but it took twenty some years for you to make the choice to be baptised yourself.
| Quote: | | I live in a cold,very cold climate so setting the right date was important. After much planning with pastor and my brother who would be traveling 700 miles to be here, a date was set. I let hubby know and he was like, "I want to get baptised, too" So I went to pastor and of course he needed to talk to hubby to be sure. so, a week before they sat down to talk and at the end of the week, my hubby would be baptised,too. I am furious that he got baptised without any thought of what he was truely doing. |
Understood, but if you've really read the His Needs, Her Needs book then you are also aware of the importance of not exhibiting lovebusting behavior. Your behavior above as you've characterized it comes across as a disrespectful judgement toward your husband. Even though I can certainly understand your frustration, it is not respectful of him.
| Quote: | | It has gotten so bad between us that I gave up. I haven't been to church in almost 4 weeks, I packed up all my religious books, including my Bible and just quit. I feel very empty and alone and I cannot seem to get past this. |
Why are you finding your value outside of yourself? Why are you giving your husband the power to determine what happens in your own life? You are externalizing your values here, looking for your own value reflected back to you, a reflected sense of self, in your husband. What does this say about how you find your own value? Think about that and pray about it.
| Quote: | | Hubby doesn't understand where I'm coming from. He does not believe that he shouldn't be able to have God in his life right along side Ozzy Osbourne! I am a previos big hair headbanger but I gave it up. It wasn't that difficult to give up and so easy to fall back into. |
I understand, and applaud your choices here. It may not have been a very difficult decision for you, but it's obvious not such an easy decision for your husband.
| Quote: | | I begged and yelled for hubby to go to someone in the church and ask the questons about music and other questionable stuff. He would not. He would not believe what I tell him unless I can pinpoint it's exact location in the Bible. |
Remember, the Bible is as sharp as a two edged sword, but it makes a horrible club to beat people over the head with. Your husband needs to find his own way to the Lord on his own time. Remember the patience is a virtue. Ask yourself what it says about you that you need to beg and yell at your husband about these topics in the first place.
| Quote: | | He took something very important to me and made a mockery out of it. I just don't know what to do any more. |
How exactly did he make a mockery of something that was important to you? Do you realize that you made the choice to feel this way in the end?
| Quote: | | I gave up fighting with him. begging, talking. I also gave up God and church and my prayer time. It's very hard to live in a house where I cannot speak of something so important to me. Hubby did this so he would not be left out and now it's snowballed. I know i am rambling but I haven't spoken to anyone about this. If any one has advice, please please please. There is more to this story, but this is the basics. |
Why can you not speak of something that's important to you? How does he act or react that prevents you from talking about your faith? Why would you give up something that is supposedly central to who you are so easily? Once again, what does what you've written here say about you and you alone?
Understand I'm not being hard on you here per se, but you're here and your husband isn't. We can only work on you here. The only person you can control is you. So, let's work on what these things say about you, and not try and manipulate or control your husband. As SAM so excellently pointed out, love your husband, don't put conditions on your love for him based upon potential differences in your belief systems. Be Christ to him, find value in yourself through Christ, and maybe he'll come around. Certainly attacking him isn't helping to get the results you're hoping for, it's not working for you, so let's change the strategy and find something that does work. |
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cjbaldw
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 32
Location: Delaware
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| Posted: Thu Nov 30, 2006 2:42 pm Post subject: Re: husband stunting growth |
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| Dead Helen wrote: |
I do realize that we will grow at different paces. |
Interesting, I hear you saying you recognize it but your actions indicate otherwise. Not that it's easy to change who we are and react differently, taking these steps is one of the hardest things I've ever personally undertaken, so I know how difficult it is, but still, no matter how difficult these types of changes are, we need to undertake them while leaning on Christ's strength and wisdom.
| Quote: | | we got baptised in June and our anniversary was in August. He bought me a huge photo of David Bowie. Just this past week he brought me home a Metallica cd. They are from my previous life. When I come home from church, it's very frustrating to hear Ozzy blasting out of my house. |
Understood, it is hard to be reminded of our "old self" in these regards. If I'm hearing what you're saying here, it's like being tempted on a consistent basis in the very places that are supposed to be soft places to fall, your marriage, and your own home.
| Quote: | | I am not a "perfect" and sometimes not even a good Christian(to myself and to him with my attitude). I have my sins to contend with. I am a smoker and I am very high strung. I am angered easily and can be very hurtful and mean. I struggle with these and I work on them regularly, sometimes on a second by second basis. Hubby sees himself as "right" without batting an eye. |
Good to hear you're being introspective in regard to what you need to work on sister! 
| Quote: | | I have a 17 year old son and I put down certain rules with his music. I do not allow any music that would be offensive to God. He gets it, and he has no problem with it. Hubby threw a fit. |
What exactly do you mean by your husband threw a fit?
| Quote: | | I have told him time and time again to talk to someone besides me. Don't take my word for it. He refuses. |
How does he refuse, what does he say or do?
| Quote: | | Ok, I went on a rant. I feel he is trying to sabatoge me so he won't have to be called to the carpet; not just by me but by anyone. Oh, he also told me that he thought it wasn't right for me to decide to get baptised without discussing it with him first. Get a grip. |
Essentially when people become "born again" and really commit or recommit their lives to Christ, oftentimes the "lesser" of the two spouses from a commitment perspective, experiences problems in the marriage. All of a sudden, the one spouse who has recommited their life to Christ, no longer seemingly "values" their mate as much as they did previously. Especially in marriages where emotional fusion exists, where the spouses each find their value not in themselves but in each other via reflected senses of themselves, all of sudden one spouse is left in a lurch. You now love Christ first, your mate comes second. Oftentimes the idea of coming in 2nd to Christ takes some adjusting for the offended spouse.
Maybe it's possible your husband simply went along with the whole "religious" thing figuring it was just a phase for you, and that life would "return to normal" eventually. I've seen this exact problem in other couples that I've known that weren't Christians when they were initially married. Just something to think about.
| Quote: | | I am very unhappy in my marriage. I have very little respect for my husband and on some days cannot stand the sight of him. I have no intention of getting a divorce and am not looking for a "get out of jail free" card. I want to be happy in my marriage. My husband is all I have. |
Be very careful not to find your own value in anything outside of yourself and your relationship with Christ. I can certainly understand wanting to have a happy marriage, so long as people realize that happiness is a choice, nothing more, and that it takes two individuals each choosing to become happy in order to create a happy marriage (among many other things). Also, generally, men value respect over love, and women value love over respect. Most men, myself included, would rather have respect from their wives than love, believe it or not. If you are having trouble respecting your husband, understand that this will lead to a cycle of disaffection that will escalate between the two of you, because your lack of respect will probably result in his choosing not to display love toward you. It's very common. The book Love & Respect talks about the dynamics of love and respect in a Christian marriage.
Your husband is NOT all that you have. You have Christ first and foremost! And you have your son as well, not to mention your connection to the Body of Christ through your local church.
| Quote: | | I hate the fact that the distance between us has gotten so wide. Obviously there are other issues besides this, but to me, this is the big one. All other problems are meaningless. I did not want hubby going to church with me in the first place. The most important thing in my life I should be sharing, but I wanted him out. Why? He takes over everything. |
You mean you allow him to take over things. Recognize the choice you're making here in how you behave toward him and the boundaries you enforce. Read the book Boundaries by Dr's Cloud and Townsend, it'll do wonders for your ability to understand how to create good relationship boundaries in your life.
| Quote: | | I couldn't go to someone in the church. It would have embarresed hubby and he would be upset and probably never set foot in church again. I liked having him in church with me when he came. Now, I don't want him there. There has to be more of a solution than reading a book. |
Counseling, as SAM has said.
| Quote: | | I miss church. I go 3 times a week. How can i get him to talk to someone? |
You can't "get him" to do something, he has to choose to do it on his own, and he needs the freedom and the space to be able to make the choices without undue pressure on him to do so.
| Quote: | | Since he doesn't want to be a part of church, how do I decide hoe to tithe? How do I decide anything that he should be in charge of? If it were up to him, we would give as little as possible to the church. He doesn't realize the ramifications his decisions, or lack therof, have on me also. ZI will look for the book you suggested. Thank you |
You do what you can that is within your realm of control, which is you. Regarding giving, do what the New Testament tells us to do, give joyfully what you choose to give in your heart. The "tithe" or lawful tithing was nailed to the cross with all of the other laws when Christ died for us, we are no longer subject to the wrath of the law. |
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Hombre del Oeste
Newbie
Joined: 09 Nov 2006
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 12:14 am Post subject: |
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Times have changed and times are strange
Here I come , But I ain't the same
Mama, I'm Coming Home
Times gone by seem to be
You could have been a better friend to me |
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