godzilla2006
Newbie
Joined: 13 Dec 2006
Posts: 2
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 Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 3:56 pm Post subject: Please help for my sanity and the safety of our marriage |
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Hi all,
I am married to a wonderful woman. We have been married 10 years and everything was fine that I could see.
My wife sprung a suprise on me yesterday sending me an email at work telling me that we try seperation and go our seperate ways because of issues in the relationship and a fight we had the night before
She told me that there have been issues for the last 3 years and it all finally came to ahead.
Let me elaborate please..
2 years ago, my wife was friends with coworkers at a local store she was employed at. The co-workers she hung out with had her over thier house doing odd jobs, and taking her here and there. Around that time my wife said that we did not spend that much time together as a family ( We have a 4 year old daughter). We said that we would compromise and set aside a family night. When that night came around, she said that she had to go over her friends house to cut hair and that she would be back in about 1/2 hour. After about 2 hours, I received a phone call from her friend asking if it was okay for her to go out for drinks with them. I told them that tonight was a family night and in the background I heard my wife say "tell him we will have family night tomorrow night". I got angry and as the night went on, my emotions got the better of me. After being yelled at over the previous 3 weeks because I dont spend time together, now she is doing the same thing I did. She came in at 2am the next morning, and i blew up at her. I yelled, screamed, and what went on. We stopped speaking to each other for about 2 days but we smoothed it over.
Fast forward to 1 years ago..
My wife had another friend that talked her into making her boyfriend jealous. They were having "explicit" conversations over Yahoo Instant Messanger about having boyfriends and cheating and such. I became curious with my wife that everytime I got near her, she hurried up and shut down the window.
After a few weeks of this, I decided that for my peace of mind, I needed to do something. I put a chatwatcher on the computers and captured several conversations about what was going on and approached her with it. After another fight, we smoothed things over and everything was fine.
Now, my wife is accusing me of being controlling because I ask her to let me know when she will be home from going out with her girlfriends. When she is late, I just ask for a courtesy call to let me know HEY, I am having fun and I will be in around 2amish. That way I know if I need to put the latches on the doors and then head up off to bed.
She told me that I think of her as only a sex toy and everytime that I dont get sex, I get nasty. Frankly, I get sex maybe 1 time a month lately, but when I do ask for it she always complains about something hurting, or being tired or something. I do get offended, but rarely proceed any further.
She wants to break our 10 year marriage off, and take our daughter with her. I would be able to see my daughter whenever I want, but already I see strings attached.
I have offered marital counseling (including going the extra step in getting my medical covereage to cover it) but she told me "I am not sure it is going to work".
Please help me... I dont want our marriage to go away and my daughter with it. I put my daughter to sleep just about every night, and read stories to her and everything a proper father is supposed to. I would rather just end my life than to lose any waking minute with her and my wife....
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godzilla2006
Newbie
Joined: 13 Dec 2006
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 2:09 pm Post subject: Follow up |
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Hi again,
I wanted to sit down yesterday and write this down, but didnt have time. My situation gets more wierd by the day and I honestly dont know what is going on with my wife now....
Let me explain...I am going to take a few bits and pieces of what I posted the other day and add some things...
I met my wife at a local hangout where mutual friends told me that she liked me. I struck a conversation up with her and soon we started dating. One year later, I asked her to marry me (I know that may be not enough time to get to know her, but I felt in my heart and soul that she was my soulmate). I did not realize at the time that there were some "issues" with her (she used to be a party girl in her late teens, early 20's). Every now and then we would have arguements over various things from money, planned activities, but nothing that other couples had. We lived with another couple (who the woman is her best friend), and for a time it was great. However, soon things got bad for us in that house and after a big blow up, we moved out and into our own place. After a few more years, we tried to have a baby. My wife has a medical condition (that was not diagnosed until 2 years ago) where she does not produce eggs, but instead produces cysts. When she was younger, she had her one side of the fallopian tube taken out due a grapefruit sized cyst. After about a year of medication, fertility clinics, etc., we finally gave up on having a child and proceeded on with our married lives. It wasnt until just over 5 years ago, when my wife and I learned that were to have our first child and 9 months later, our only daughter was born. We were truly blessed with our daughter, and both of us love her deeply.
Over the last 5 years, we have stood beside each other, as equals and partners. She would push me forward, and I would her. When I was out of work, she comforted me and telling me that everything would be okay. When she was out of work, I did the same to her. I thought everything was okay, with the exception of the small arguements that we had every now and then.
2 years ago, my wife was friends with coworkers at a local store she was employed at. The co-workers she hung out with had her over thier house doing odd jobs, and taking her here and there. They would ask for her to house sit while they went out of town, which I had no problem with. When things got to a point where they were asking for favors all the time, I expressed my concerns. It was around that time my wife said that we did not spend that much time together as a family ( We have a 4 year old daughter). We said that we would compromise and set aside a family night. When that night came around, she said that she had to go over to said friends house to cut hair and that she would be back in about 1/2 hour. After about 2 hours, I received a phone call from her friend asking if it was okay for her to go out for drinks with them. I told them that tonight was a family night and in the background I heard my wife say "tell him we will have family night tomorrow night". I got angry and as the night went on, my emotions got the better of me. After being yelled at over the previous 3 weeks because I dont spend enough time together, now she is doing the same thing I did. She came in at 2am the next morning, and i blew up at her. I yelled, screamed, and that led to me sending her to live with her mother for a couple of days. We stopped speaking to each other for about 2 days but we smoothed it over after reaching mutual ground.
The sitution with her coworker came to a head when she called and asked my wife to drive with her (at 1am) to her friends fathers house (which was 80 miles away). The father was in the hospital on the death bed and her friend was too upset to drive. My wife and I just went to bed and put our daughter down for the night earlier and I objected to it, because family comes first. My wife politely told her no, and then went back to bed. The friends stopped talking to my wife and it wasnt until my wife went to the funeral for her coworker a few months ago, did she learn why they stopped speaking to her was because my wife did not drive with her that one night.
Fast forward to 1 years ago..
My wife had another friend that talked her into making her boyfriend jealous. They were having "explicit" conversations over Yahoo Instant Messanger about having boyfriends and cheating and such. I became curious with my wife that everytime I got near her, she hurried up and shut down the window.
After a few weeks of this, I decided that for my peace of mind, I needed to do something. I put a chatwatcher on the computers and captured several conversations about what was going on and approached her with it. The first time, she said nothing was going on, but I felt in my gut that this was not the last time I would argue over the subject. After about a month, I found that the conversations were still going on. On top of this, my wife was going over to her friends house more and more with our daughter, not spending time with me. After another fight, we smoothed things over and everything was fine.
I even asked her friend to stop including my wife in her "plans".
Recently, her best friend whose husband proposed at the same time as I did (he was my best friend until about 1 year ago), got divorced. They seperated when she caught him cheating on her about 2 years ago, but just recently (last month or 2) got her divorce finallized. My wife and I are the godparents of thier 2 boys. My wife has told me on more than 1 occasion that she finally has her best friend back from that jerk and tends to spend more and more time with her over at her friends house.
Currently, I feel like I am in a "cold war", with both sides being cordial to each other, but at any moment the battles could start again. Last Sunday, my wife and I had another agrument where I have asked for sex, but she told me that she had a headache. I asked her why is it that everytime I ask for sex, there is something wrong with her, whether it was a headache or a stomachache, or her legs hurt, or the moon wasnt bright enough (kidding there). She told me that she wasnt a hormone and she was sorry for that. I told her that I dont want sex all the time, but 1 time in a month is causing issues. She is completely fine when she goes out dancing with her friends, or shopping or whaver, but when I ask her for certain things, it is a big hassle. She said some things that I didnt like, so I told her that if she wasnt getting it from me, then she was getting it from someone else (I know.. big mistake and I admitted fault in saying that to her). That arguement spilled out into the latter part of the day when we were out playing a sport and I tried to instruct her in something she was doing wrong. She cut me off and said I KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG. I said fine and confined my anger until I blew up. She got ticked at me and I told her to go take a flying leap (not so nice of words though). So... going home, we rarely spoke and went to bed.
So now, the next morning, My wife and I take our daughter to school and then we both go to work. Later in the morning, my wife springs a nice suprise on me. She is accusing me of being controlling because I ask her to let me know when she will be home from going out with her girlfriends. When she is late, I just ask for a courtesy call to let me know HEY, I am having fun and I will be in around 2amish. That way I know if I need to put the latches on the doors and then head up off to bed.
She told me that I think of her as only a sex toy and everytime that I dont get sex, I get nasty. Frankly, I get sex maybe 1 time a month lately, but when I do ask for it she always complains about something hurting, or being tired or something. I do get offended, but rarely proceed any further.
She has been talking with her best friend (who got a divorce) and at first she said that she was leaving me after the holidays. Then it was in March, and now it is after my daughters birthday in May.
I dont know if she is going through a "mid-life" crisis or what, but in the last couple of days I have gone from scratching my head to holding my words back because she tries to get nasty with me. SHe is sleeping downstairs and acts like this is normal. I have already told her that I dont agree with her sleeping downstairs, but I am "honoring" her need for space.
We got into an arguement last night because her parents and mine came to a holiday concert for my daughter. SHe sat with her parents and I was behind her. My parents were a few rows back. Before the concert started, she turned to me and asked me if I said anything to my parents about what is going on. I lied and told her no, and she said that I must of because she siad my father kept giving her dirty looks. I semi lost it there and told her that if she was going to think that everyone in my family knows about our "problems" and that they are going to throw her dirty looks all the time, then dont go over thier houses. I then got up and went back to sit with my parents for the concert.
Later on that night, we came home and everything was fine. She went over her best friends house for an hour or so, and I watched a movie with my daughter and put her to bed. We said "night" to each other and I took my daughter upstairs and laid her down next to me on our bed and went to sleep.
Again, I dont knwo what my wife wants. Does she want her freedom like her best friend has now??? Is she going through an early "mid-life" menapausial crisis?? Is the stress finally getting to her on day to day activities???
I dont know. I just know that I have already taken into account of all my income and bills and found that I can definately survive with my daughter on my own. She asked me why I was doing that and I told her that I have to prepare for the worst. If she is going ot leave me in a month or 2, then I want to make sure my "duckies" are lined up before you do. I have already put into place me moving my paycheck over a single account, but havent gone through and did it yet.
She wants to break our 10 year marriage off, and take our daughter with her. I would be able to see my daughter whenever I want, but already I see strings attached.
I have offered marital counseling (including going the extra step in getting my medical covereage to cover it) but she told me "I am not sure it is going to work". A day later (after talking to her best friend), she told me that she will go, but if that guy tells her that the problems are all her fault, then she is going to tell the doctor to go "F" himself and walk out. I told her then why go?? If you went to a doctor and that doctor told you that your appendix was the problem and it needs removing, are you going to tell the doctor to go "F" himself and leave to die??? <shakes head>
Please help me... I dont want our marriage to go away and my daughter with it. Can someone give me some insight on what is going on in her head? I am tired of walking on eggshells around her, and I have come to a conclusion that I am not a bad person. I put my daughter to sleep just about every night, and read stories to her and everything a proper father is supposed to. I would rather just end my life than to lose any waking minute with her and my wife....
Thanks
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