Advice needed from a womens prespective, wife wants to D me.

frazerm · Newbie Joined: 01 Dec 2006 Posts: 6

My wife and I have been married 13 years and have a 10 year old daughter. For the majority of this time I have been very selfish and un loving. I have been addicted to pornography and meeting my own needs.

I have never been sexually unfaithfull to my wife, but have on a few occasions kissed other women and then regretted my actions. My wife knows about these events.

8 months ago I got drunk at a party and kissed my wifes freind, my wife went crazy and told me she wants a divorce and that was the last straw. After losing my family and moving out I knew I needed to rededicate my life to God and I repented for my sins and pleaded with God to come into my heart and change me.

I was led by God to a breaking free from pornography course where I defeated this evil that had hold of my life and over the past 6 months I have sought the Lord with all my heart and he has changed me beyond belief. I even question wether I was really saved before because my desire for God is so strong now but previously I lived to my will not Gods.

My wife found solice in the arms of a divorced man at the church she was attending and tells me she now loves him and believes God led her to him. I am so heart broken and lost, God has shown me what it means to really love uncondionally and I desire for my marriage to be restored for Gods Glory.

I have tried to talk to my wife but she wants nothing to do with me and tells me to move on, but I feel I must remain faithfull to my vows.

I really don't know what to do please help / advise ?

She has seen a lawyer and filed for divorce already.

I am praying my little heart out and need help!

Thanks

Mark

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Continue to pray that God will change her heart and her mind. There is nothing you can do, only God.

Because of the years of damage and mistrust, it's going to be a very difficult road. She has lost her love and respect for you. Usually once a woman has headed down this path in her heart, she has exited the marriage.

Because you are not divorced, she is walking down the road of adultery herself by becoming involved with this other man. She may not see it this way since she figures your marriage is over, but the certificate of marriage is still in effect. Because she has not healed from the brokeness of your marriage, she will bring that into a new relationship.

Ask your wife if she will consider reconcilation and counseling. Let her know this is your hearts desire and when you said until death parts you, that you meant it.

I'd like to be more positive for you but it's unlikely she will change her mind. Your desire to follow God and change your life may be a little late. However, having been there myself in wanting to divorce my husband, I know God is still capable of changing hearts and changing marriages. He did convict my heart this was the wrong path to take and he has changed my marriage into one that I adore and cherish today.

frazerm · Newbie Joined: 01 Dec 2006 Posts: 6

Hi SAM

I know your right, the years of hurt have taken there toll and it will take many years i fear for her to really see Gods changes in me. I have been so convicted of my mistakes by God, I just know that I have to forgive her for what she does now and know that I am responsible for placing her and my family in this position.

I have tried to talk to her but she does not believe it is possible for me to change and she does not want to waste another few years of her life finding out. I can't really blame her. I am going to just concentrate on living for God and becoming more like him and I will continue to pray each day and see what God does in the situation. I know his plan is not Divorce.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Growthtrac is a great resource for supporting your emotional and spiritual needs.

Michele Weiner-Davis has a set of forums online called http://www.divorcebusting.com . It might be a bit of a challenge for you, at this late date, but worth a try. Michele's focus is helping people work through not getting divorced. Bypass the counseling links and the sales pitches. You might just want to get the book, at your local bookstore. It's simply called "Divorce Busting." The forums are full of stories about people that have battled back from a divorce. Many found that a spiritual element was a part of healing process.

Someone told me early on that you don't have to agree to a divorce. It varies from state to state. You just have to make sure do what the courts require. The process can take a long time.

In the meantime, pray and ask everyone you know to join you in that prayer. Admit what you have done and ask all who know the two of you to join you in drawing closer to God and their spouses. If nothing else, you will work towards healing the pain you might be feeling. You might also serve as a wake-up call for other couples.

CandyAnn · Newbie Joined: 30 Nov 2006 Posts: 5

Unfortunately, I can feel your wife's pain very acutely!!! I have been enduring a similar situation for over 15 years and I would give anything for my husband to see the truth as you have. You can read about my situation under the post entitled "15 Years...".

I'm sure that you have heard that "love is a choice". I'm choosing to continue loving my husband, but at the moment I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job at that. I do not want a divorce, but who is to say when my breaking point is. I may wake up one day and decide I've had all I can take. Your wife apparently had all she could take and chose to walk away. Any idea what her "last straw" was? I think we all probably have a breaking point and yours was when your wife left you. If there is a bright side to this, you may never have turned your life around if not for your wife leaving you. Even if she never comes back, at least you finally have your head on straight.

I wish I knew what it would take to wake my husband up. You've been there, any ideas?

frazerm · Newbie Joined: 01 Dec 2006 Posts: 6

I can say without any doubt that it was God who turned my around, when my life told me she wanted out and wanted a divorce it was a massive wake up call, I remember examining my life and the choices I had been making and I just turn to God in desperation I guess and told him I wanted him to change me and make me new, I was tired of been selfish and unloving. It was after this that I had a real desire to read Gods word amd discover what it was to really love someone.

Like you I choose to remain married in Gods eyes and I will wait for God to work on her and for her to see that I am not going anywhere and certainly not with other women.

You ask what the breaking point was well, in all honesty I think she started to have feelings for another guy that had been giving her the attention I had not, I am not sure really this is just my guess.

Like you say I am really glad this has all come about and I know Gods hand is in it all. I would have continued been the old me and that person I never want to be again!

I pray each day and I will see what God does from here in our lifes, just wish there was someway of making her see the new me, but we don't see each other anymore so not sure how I can do that.

Thanks for your reply Mark

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

There is an overriding theme throughout our posts -

We all wish to change things in our marriages. We all wish our spouse would change. We can't do anything about forcing the other person to do something we want them to do. We do have the ability to change ourselves, look back to God for that strength and seek counseling for Christian perspective and direction. Couseling does work. And if you're not happy with the first counselor, find a new one. It's important to keep trying and not give up at the first thing that isn't working.

God is our strength, our provider, our encourager, our lover, our friend and so much more. It's important to seek him daily and be in his word. It's important to have Christian friendships for accountability and for shoulders to lean on. People we can do life with.

When I look back on where my marriage was failing, it had more to do about me than it did my husband. He had his faults and he was doing many things wrong, but so was I. I was ready to jump off the marriage treadmill. I was looking to him to make me happy and to fill up my lonliness, self-esteem and hurt. It was impossible for a human being to do this for me. Only God -

Until I earnestly started to seek God and asked him to be the leader of my life and the forgiver of my sins, nothing was going to change in my marriage. The spirit's love, gentleness, goodness, peace, patience, kindness and self-control had to be evident in me and honestly.... it wasn't. Not even close.

I couldn't force, coerce, beg or plead for my husband to do anything that I wasn't willing to do myself. It simply didn't work. What worked was me being willing to do the changing in myself. Me growing my relationship with the Lord, so I was complete in Him - not in my husband.

God designed marriage before he ever designed the church. He designed it in a way that it should resemble the Trinity. God, me and my spouse should be so similar to the trinity that there is nothing that can break that bond. That's exactly why Satan is so eager to destroy our marriages - it's the closest thing to the trinity that there is. He'd rather destroy marriage first before anything else in this world. This perspective about Satan amazed me when I first read it in Our Secret Paradise by Jimmy Evans. It has changed how I view marriage. It is a sacred union - and Satan is all to gleefully happy to keep tearing marriages down one by one.

My husband and I have worked very hard over the past 10-12 years to build the type of marriage that God designed for us. This includes praying together, serving in ministry together, being committed to a church home, and being connected to other Christians who are accountability partners. When they see us not honoring each other, they are in our face. When they see us stumbling toward sin, they call us on it. It's the best thing we have ever done for our marriage and ourselves. When we did marriage alone without God, without prayer, without community - we failed at it miserably. And.... Satan was standing right there rubbing his hands together that another one was falling apart.

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