divorce

jolene · Newbie Joined: 21 Sep 2006 Posts: 8

I have been married only 8 months. There is much verbal and physical abuse. He has been in jail a couple times. I suggested counciling. I have been staying with my parents as I am afraid to go home. He tells me he will not agree unless I return home. This has been an ongoing things and every time, I get an apology and promises and such. When this happened last Fri, something inside of me snapped and I knew GOD does not want me live this way. I love my husband but I cannot go on. He threatens suicide. This list goes on and on. I want peace in life and in my heart. Joan

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2161 Location: Chicago

At no point in time would God want you to be subject to physical or verbal abuse. I am glad that you have sought refuge in your parents home. Here's some information on GT that may be helpful to you on abuse -
http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=1060

Honestly, do not return to your home unless you have both participated in intense (weekly) counseling for at least 6 months. Your husband has to show progress/repentance and you need to know that you can trust him again. His control of you is the key here and probably one of the reasons he is threatening suicide. You are not responsible for what is going on in his head or his heart. I don't believe the work that is necessary will be accomplished if you move back home. Often every day life and stress interrupts the issues that need to be addressed. They tend to get buried again and never dealt with.

Were there any signs of this behavior before marriage? Or, did he do a good job of hiding it from you?

There's a great book written by James Dobson called "Love Must Be Tough" that many here on the GT boards have found to be extremely helpful. Hopefully, you can pick this up.

I have prayed for you and your marriage this afternoon. Ask God for his guidance and peace. If you continue to wrestle with uncertainty about your decisions, then wait. Waiting is OK. There is no reason to make decisions and move forward quickly with a divorce. God will bring you peace when his timing is right.

jolene · Newbie Joined: 21 Sep 2006 Posts: 8

I agree with staying with my parents and this is just what I have told him. He is very insistance that I return home. I also told him that these issues will take time and attention. I pray every single day for guidance. I do not want to see my husband so hurt and distraught, but I cannot reutrn so soon. Joan

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 315 Location: In Prayer

Hi there - we're glad you've felt comfortable enough to join us here.

I'm in agreement - no returning home until lots and lots of counseling has taken place.

I look at it this way. Your hubby has a serious illness and he needs lots of help to get him better, but he has to want to do the work. Same kind thing with any addiction - he needs to be ready to own up to it.

That means you have to decide if you're going to hang in there with him, but also set up some protective boundaries so he can no longer physically/verbally harm you. That means - do not go over to see him alone. Either he comes to your parents home while they are there, or he meets you in a public place or only in the counselor's office. You need to have peace that you've done your part to restore what you can of your marriage and he needs to do his part to break his addiction to control - if he's willing.

It's really hard and such a difficult place to be when you love somebody and it seems like you do. But, I think you're right - God told you - no more.

jolene · Newbie Joined: 21 Sep 2006 Posts: 8

Thank you, we have our first session with the counciler tonight at 6. He seems very eager to be the man GOD intends him to be but I am feeling pressured to move home. Joan

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2161 Location: Chicago

I know there are no men that have joined in yet - so I asked my husband who is behind me to read your post and give his opinion.

So here's my hubby's words he just said over my shoulder. Very Happy

A man who is eager to be what God intends him to be and wants to be an obedient man after God's heart, does not verbally or physically abuse his wife under ANY circumstance. Do Not Move Back Home no matter how much he pressure you. Ask God to provide the strength you need to say NO and be strong in your conviction.

We're grateful he has agreed to counseling tonight. We wish you the best. Let us know how things go.

jolene · Newbie Joined: 21 Sep 2006 Posts: 8

Thank you again, and yes, I wll keep you posted. and I will continue to pray!!!! Joan

jolene · Newbie Joined: 21 Sep 2006 Posts: 8

We went to counciling last night. It went pretty good. My husband got a bit upset and continued to tell the counciler that he cannot function or live with out me. He responded by saying that every single response of my living is causing him to make me feel as though I am always walking on egg shells. I love my husband and a divorce is not what I want. If you have a moment would you please keep our marriage and both of us in your prayers? Joan

webacus · Posted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 6:56 pm Post subject:

Still Praying ...thanks for checking in.

jolene · Newbie Joined: 21 Sep 2006 Posts: 8

I am so so so very homesick. I miss my husband. Saw him yesterday, the visit went wonderful. sometimes I feel that if I go home many people including my family will frown on me. Joan

jolene · Newbie Joined: 21 Sep 2006 Posts: 8

I joined some time ago and posted my situation about my abusive husband. We are in the processof a divorce. I have since moved to a new home.
I saw him last Sat w/ another woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot begin to tell you how so very, very sick this made me. My heart is so so heavy.. I cannot seem to get over it. He also rubbed it into my face to "Check out the woman he was with" How cruel and hurtful. We are still m arried. I would never do anything to disrespect that. Please pray for me. Joan

maryl103 · Newbie Joined: 17 Aug 2006 Posts: 19

Jolene, I have posted in the past, but have been licking my wounds so to speak and relying heavily on Christ, who stengthens me.. You have come to the right place here, when i needed people the most this boad was here...I want you to know i have prayed for you... Let me tell you , this in not a reflection on you in any way, your husband has issues he needs to address and until he does you wont be good for anyone.. First and foremost he must get right with God.. Sam suggested that book by Dr. Dobson, it is such a great inspiration and such a help.... You must take care of you... turn to the Lord and that will guide you and direct you.
My husband left me 4 months ago... he is a recovering addict/alcoholic.. so i know enough through alanon to realize i cannot fix him, or make him come home....I cant tell you how much we have been through if you search old posts from aug you will see my story in detail.. What i didnt realize through all the my hurt, was that my spouse is Bipolar.. I use to think the verbal attacks were because he wasnt working forgetting that he has more than one illness.. when i tell you he went manic on me i cant tell you, and it is very common when a person is manic to leave a marriage, run wild, think you are right in every thing you say and do.... I am not suggesting that your spouse is bipolar, but i will say this...the other woman, no matter how hard it is to see, she does not matter, he is testing you in his own way, to see if you are still going to let him walk all over you so to speak... the hardest thing when a spouse leaves and is treats us poorly is from them no being filled with the Lord...in my spouses case he needs serious counseling, and meds, but i cannot do anything for him, i tried, but i hav to realize, denial is a poweful thing and only GOD can help... so what i am trying to say after all my rambling... Rely on Jesus, he will guide you... take care of yourself, do not allow him to mistreat you in anyway, and have faith... God will guide you... and what ever one has said is true.. I do not believe in divorce, i am trying to sanctify my husband by the lord's promises... but if he insists on having a hard, unpure heart, i cant do anything for him.. so now i wait on GOD's answer, when we dont know what to do we do nothing... stay sweet and loving towards you spouse, but do not allow him to verbally abuse you anymore, hang up or walk away... do not acknowledge bad behavior.....YOu will be ok, and my husband has threatened divoce for a year now, and has not done it... so all i can do is stay right with GOD, and he will show me the way... I will continue to pray for you... sorry my post is so long, I guess i needed to get things off my chest as well.. you are not alone.

jolene · Newbie Joined: 21 Sep 2006 Posts: 8

Thank you. It is very difficult for me as he went from calling, almost stalking me. Now since I saw him w/ HER it is like he has vanicshed. I think it is cruel and cowardly. He would never ever take responsibility for the abuse. Always said I deserved it and worse. Even though we living apart, he filed for divorce, changed the locks to OUR home, closed the bank account and now the OTHER woman. I have always been the sort of woman that wants to fix everything. I know I cannot fix him. I know in my heart I gave our marriage my all and then some. Nothing was ever good enough. How can he just disregard this situation and act as if I have died??????????????????

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