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momomto2
Newbie
Joined: 17 Nov 2006
Posts: 3
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 Posted: Fri Nov 17, 2006 11:22 pm Post subject: I want to get away... |
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| I recently brought up to my husband that I would like to take a short trip to visit a friend that I've only seen twice in two years because we live 600 miles apart. My thought was a weekend trip next year sometime. My husband harshly objected. I am a stay-at-home mom and we only have one vehicle which my husband takes everyday to work. I rarely get out of the house. I thought the anticipation of the trip and the actual getaway would serve as a refresher/invigorator for me after years of 24/7 with the kids. What are some thoughts on this? |
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webacus
Veteran
Joined: 02 Mar 2001
Posts: 612
Location: Behind you.
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| Posted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 7:08 am Post subject: |
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| What are his objections? |
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momomto2
Newbie
Joined: 17 Nov 2006
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 9:01 am Post subject: |
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| He doesn't understand why I would want to be away from him and the kids. I told him that i just need a refresher. he says that he never wants to do anything without me, so he doesn't understand why i would want to. he thinks that is not healthy in a marriage at all. |
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babycakes
Veteran
Joined: 06 Mar 2006
Posts: 314
Location: In Prayer
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| Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 10:32 am Post subject: |
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It's very healthy for marriage to take some time for yourself. Daily, weekly and even over a long weekend to see a friend. Just because your husband doesn't desire this for himself, doesn't mean it's not something good for you.
Guys go away on fishing or camping trips with the buds, girls like to see old girlfriends and hang out and eat or go shopping. It's really no different. |
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webacus
Veteran
Joined: 02 Mar 2001
Posts: 612
Location: Behind you.
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| Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 10:33 am Post subject: |
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Sounds to me like you need some time away.
A weekend isn't a long time to be away... so I don't
see how he could object to playing Mr. Mom for a few days.
• Do you and your husband get out much?
Weekly date night?
• Do you ever have alone time? Time for your
interests, hobbies, sports, relaxation, etc?
The fact is husbands & wives do need time to
themselves, and it is healthy to do so. |
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rdsmith3
Veteran
Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 368
Location: NJ
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| Posted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 8:30 am Post subject: |
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Here are some random thoughts from a guy:
- Your husband could be afraid of being alone with the kids, and being able to handle that.
- Your husband could be very insecure, and resent any freedom that you might have. He also might be afraid of losing you.
- Is your husband very controlling? Why do you only have one vehicle?
- Your user ID suggests that you see yourself as a mother. Is that how you define yourself? Does your husband see you as an equal; a partner? Do you? |
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cjbaldw
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 32
Location: Delaware
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| Posted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 12:47 pm Post subject: |
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We all need time apart as spouses in order to want to be together. If we're smothered we lose our desire for each other. We need to feel separateness in order to desire togetherness, at the same time we need togetherness in order to desire separateness.
His hesitancy is not unexpected but it tells me that he's getting too much of his value as a person from you and the children. In other words, without them he has little value as a person standing alone on his own.
He's also projecting his own needs and values onto you, i.e. just because he feels that he needs no time alone and desires to spend all of his time with you, does not mean that your needs and desires are not equally of value as a wife. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet as a man and support your emotional needs, one of which may be to get away from time to time to recharge your batteries with old friends and family. Makes sense to me at least. |
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momomto2
Newbie
Joined: 17 Nov 2006
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 10:33 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks to all for your comments. To answer a few questions... my husband and I rarely get out together...once every few months we are able to go to a movie, etc. I also rarely have time to pursue my own interests. My husband isn't controlling. He has gone through a divorce in the past and I think he has some insecurity b/c of that. I don't feel he has resentment toward me, just fear maybe. We only have one vehicle for financial reasons. He works three jobs within the ministry and none provide benefits or adequate income, etc. b/c of that, we don't have much time together which I think is why he was disappointed about me wanting to go somewhere without him--which i can understand. I do define myself as a mother. I have a hard time separating myself from it since i stay home with the kids. my husband does see me as an equal and helps out equally with the kids. I just find myself getting so burned out on occasion from the 24/7 and not even being able to get out of the house. I have talked with him about it and he really does try and get me out as much as he can. I have really been in prayer about it and i know that this situation isn't permanent--ie we will be able to get another vehicle eventually which will provide me some relief and his work load will let up so we can have more time together, etc. So for now I am just enjoying the time i get to spend with my kids. i am fortunate to have that. a lot of moms need to work these days and God has blessed me and my family so that i don't have to. I am thankful for that and thankful for a husband who is willing to carry three jobs so I can stay home. |
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cjbaldw
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 32
Location: Delaware
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| Posted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 1:07 pm Post subject: |
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| momomto2 wrote: | | Thanks to all for your comments. To answer a few questions... my husband and I rarely get out together...once every few months we are able to go to a movie, etc. I also rarely have time to pursue my own interests. |
OK, so we have two issues here then. One, you two are not investing enough time giving each other your undivided attention to have your emotional needs met sufficiently. You also apparently have a need to have some level of alone time on some regular basis. The sooner you two can agree to the fact that some emotional needs are going unmet on both counts, the sooner you can brainstorm on a plan to address the issues.
| Quote: | | My husband isn't controlling. He has gone through a divorce in the past and I think he has some insecurity b/c of that. I don't feel he has resentment toward me, just fear maybe. |
Yes, understood, however I'd also submit you're not his ex-wife, and therefore he should not project whatever bad experiences occurred in his past onto the current marriage. Doing so does not produce any positive results.
| Quote: | | We only have one vehicle for financial reasons. He works three jobs within the ministry and none provide benefits or adequate income, etc. b/c of that, we don't have much time together which I think is why he was disappointed about me wanting to go somewhere without him--which i can understand. |
Wow, having only one vehicle and supporting three jobs must be pretty tough. You two are under quite a bit of stress I'd imagine, at least in some respects.
| Quote: | | I do define myself as a mother. I have a hard time separating myself from it since i stay home with the kids. |
You shouldn't feel the need to have to sacrifice one part of your identity in order to pursue another, such as being a wife. There is a balance that can be struck, you just have to be creative and work hard to find it.  It's hard to remember that you are a wife first and foremost given the responsibilities of motherhood, and yet it's critically important for your children to see you model as a husband and wife, what a truly intimate marriage is supposed to look like, and that mommy and daddy love each other and that their love is a real priority in their lives. Your kids need to see that, just to be clear.
| Quote: | | my husband does see me as an equal and helps out equally with the kids. |
Awesome to hear this, it's a critical part of being a father, being involved with your kids.
| Quote: | | I just find myself getting so burned out on occasion from the 24/7 and not even being able to get out of the house. |
Let's approach this another way, if you're generally happy with your relationship and you feel your emotional needs are being sufficiently met (which may or may not be the case), then what is it about getting away that is going to help you? Why do you feel this is necessary? Let's focus on you and get away from talking about your husband, let's find out what this issue says about you and not him.
| Quote: | | I have talked with him about it and he really does try and get me out as much as he can. |
Excellent to hear! He sounds like a good guy.
| Quote: | | I have really been in prayer about it and i know that this situation isn't permanent--ie we will be able to get another vehicle eventually which will provide me some relief and his work load will let up so we can have more time together, etc. So for now I am just enjoying the time i get to spend with my kids. i am fortunate to have that. a lot of moms need to work these days and God has blessed me and my family so that i don't have to. I am thankful for that and thankful for a husband who is willing to carry three jobs so I can stay home. |
Yes, you are blessed, but at the same time, don't minimize your emotional needs to too great an extent, they are important and we need to ensure that your primary emotional needs are being met. If this situation is truly temporary, then it may be as simple as agreeing that you're going to tough it out for a certain time period as a couple and that after that time period, things are going to need to change. Oftentimes we can deal with temporary shortcomings if we know there's a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak, but we need to put a timeline to it and be realistic about how long we can go without certain emotional needs being met before something has to change.
BTW, I deliberately came down a bit hard on your husband because I wanted to see how you'd react. If you joined me in denigrating him, it would show me that your marriage is indeed not in a good place, but in this case, you largely came to his defense, and that shows that you're not as bad off as you could be. You're wise to have looked for help before things got too far out of hand. If you two can nip this in the bud early on, then things will be just fine long term. |
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