i need marriage help - please!

kericrisp · Newbie Joined: 17 Nov 2006 Posts: 5 Location: NC

Hello, I am [b]23 years old [/b]and have been [b]married for only 4 months [/b]to my husband who is [b]37 years old[/b]. We have been [b]togheter for 3 years[/b].
I am very "to myself" type of person. Very Quiet. Care nothing for being intimate or intercourse.
He on the other hand is the [b]total opposite.[/b]
Up until about a year and 3 months ago; he was very jealous, controlling & manipulative towards me. He has gotten rid of about 85% of his jealousy & has calmed down a great deal of the other.
We are having problems now. I feel like he is smothering me; he dont want me to go anywhere with out him.. and if he dosent go; he constantly calls (making up excuses to call).
I just dont know what to do; or which way to turn. I mean, i love him; but his ways & actions have caused me to fall OUT of love with him. We are not intimate at all (because for one, I could care less about it). I cant tell him that i'm not in love with him; because I dont want to hurt him. I tell him I love him (but I dont think he knows that i'm not IN love with him). The following is a "letter" i wrote to him (recently) explaining to him how he is... and he does not see that it's true.
HE TELL ME ALL THE TIME, THAT HE HAS QUIT 85 % OF HIS JEALOUSY; NOW IT'S MY TURN TO "BE HAPPY" (ACT HAPPY, SMILE & WHATEVER).. OR IT WANT WORK & HE WANT LET IT WORK.
He has also said in the past that I need counseling.

[i]• WHEN YOU DON’T GET YOUR WAY; OR YOU DON’T GET A RESPONSE YOU WANT; YOU GET UPSET OR ILL.
• YOU CONSTANTLY ASK ME IF I WANT A DIVORCE OR WHATEVER; WHEN THINGS DON’T GO YOUR WAY
• YOU NEVER SAY ANYTHING GOOD ABOUT ME OR TO ME… IT’S ALWAYS
1. YOU ARE HATEFUL
2. YOU “ACT” LIKE YOU GOT AN ATTITUDE
3. YOU TALK TO ME WITH AN ILL TONE (EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT ILL)
• YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW THE HOUSE LOOKS; (DISHES, FLOOR, CAT LITTER) – BUT YET, YOU DON’T HELP DO ANYTHING
• AND LIKE LAST NIGHT – YOU WERE BEING SARCASTIC ABOUT IT…. YOU “CLEANED UP / DONE YOUR PART”, RIGHT AFTER YOU TOLD ME TO LEAVE THE DISHES – BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO SPEND TIME WITH ME.
• WHEN I WENT TO LINDA’S – U WANTED ME TO CALL WHEN I GOT THERE; YOU CALLED TWICE WHILE I WAS THERE. ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT THE COMPUTER WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT IT ((MY THOUGHTS ARE YOU ARE BEING NOSEY & WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON; LIKE YOU THINK I’M HIDING SOMETHING))
• YOU COMPLAINED ABOUT ME WANTING TO GO TO MOM’S TO GET MY EYES DONE TONIGHT; SAYING IT COULD WAIT UNTIL SATURDAY
• WHEN I WANT TO GO TO TARGET OR WHATEVER AFTER WORK; YOU CALL AND “TALK” TO ME JUST BECAUSE WHILE I’M SHOPPING OR WHATEVER. ((KEEPING TABS, SO TO SPEAK))
• YOU TOLD PAM & me, STANDING IN FRONT OF WOODY & LT. THAT YOUWOULDN’T HAVE a PROBLEM WITH ME HANGING OUT WITH HER WHENEVER I WANTED. NOW YOU TELL ME; THAT YOU HAD RATHER ME SPEND TIME WITH HER AT NIGHT WHEN YOU ARE WORKING. BECAUSE THE WEEKEND IS THE ONLY TIME WE HAVE TO SPEND TOGETHER…. BUT WHEN WE DO “SPEND TIME TOGETHER” IT CONSISTS OF NOTHING… WE SIT IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER WATCHING TV OR WHATEVER. AND WE DONT EVEN TALK OR CARY ON A CONVERSATION.
Weather you believe it or not You are VERY… (YOUR OWN MOTHER & SISTER HAS TOLD ME THIS; AND I SEE IT WITH MY OWN EYES & SO DOES MANY OTHER PEOPLE)
I GUESS THE ONLY GOOD THINGS ARE THAT YOU ARE FAITHFUL TO ME (EVEN THOUGH YOU OFTEN QUESTION MY FAITHFULNESS TO YOU)[/i]

I have been 100% faithful to him; Just because I'm not happy go lucky 24/7 he thinks otherwise. I need help & advise.
i'm about to pull my hair out!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1991 Location: Chicago

Counseling, counseling and more counseling is what you need. There are so many underlying issues that only a counselor is going to be able to help you dissect them. Of major concern is your husband's desire to control. Many of the things you mention could be signs of emotional abuse/jealousy.

- An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.

Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:

-Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

-Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

-Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

-Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

-Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

-Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

-Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

-Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

If finances are a problem, contact the pastor at your church and ask if he is available, or if he would have a recommendation. With a church recommendation, many counselors will offer lower rates. A counseling office will sometimes have a counselor going through clinicals and offer lower rates. Many non-profit organizations offer free counseling. It's out there.

Being married only 4 months and being ready to bail is really sad. There was a commitment made 4 months ago - until death do you part. I think you are both still breathing. It was for better and worse (sometimes we don't always get the better) - we have to work through it to make it better and not give up.

There are so many adjustments to make in the first year as a couple and lots of negotiating. It's no longer about you and what you want as an individual, but having a willingness to sacrifice and serve the spouse God has given you as a gift. Yes, this person you say you no longer love, was given to you as a gift from God. You may not think so at the moment, but it's about as truthful and honest as it gets.

Where does your relationship with God and your husband's fall into place in this mix? I have to ask you, from a realistic standpoint, what did you think marriage was going to be like?

I would imagine you might have been interested in sex before marriage? What do you think would change within a 4 month period? If your sex drive is low, I would encourage you to go see an OB/GYN and have testing done for your hormone levels. It's not unusual.

Things may be hard and difficult at the moment. Marriage was never intended to be rosy all the time. If each of you are looking to each other for all of your happiness, you're looking in the wrong place. It will only be found in a relationship with Jesus Christ.

kericrisp · Newbie Joined: 17 Nov 2006 Posts: 5 Location: NC

I have to ask you, from a realistic standpoint, what did you think marriage was going to be like? [b]I actually Thought being married to him would make things better - it's only made him tighten "the leash" that much more; i guess b/c he knows he "has" me now.[/b]

I would imagine you might have been interested in sex before marriage? [[b]b]not really; with him the first time we did it (4 mths after getting together) he pretty much pushed himself on me.. then i told him i didnt want it anymore until we were married; (well that was a joke) he says i cant take it away from him now, since i already gave it to him that first time.)[/b][/b]

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1991 Location: Chicago

Do you look at sex as a gift you give your husband or an obligation?

kericrisp · Newbie Joined: 17 Nov 2006 Posts: 5 Location: NC

[quote="SAM"]Do you look at sex as a gift you give your husband or an obligation?[/quote]

Obligation

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