Parenting with discipline - What kind and how much discipline?

kelly · Posted: Tue Apr 30, 2002 9:54 am Post subject:

Jason and I have a pretty good system of discipline. The results have been very well mannered children who receive praises from all Sunday school teachers, friends, relatives, and babysitters. We were told recently by a friend who has two of her own, "You have great kids! I would rather watch your three than just one of my friends' kids!". I am trying not to pat myself on the back too hard ( :p ), but if we do one thing well, if we have one gift, it's raising our children. When I discipline I can hear God speaking through me. I know it is the Holy Spirit. All three kids, though very different, are all such healthy, loving, well disciplined kids.

I pose this question; What methods do you use to discipline your kids? What has worked and what hasn't? To spank, or not to spank? I'd love to share our methods after I hear some of yours. :inlove:

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1946 Location: Chicago

I grew up in a home where using the belt or the wooden spoon on our behinds was very common. I swore I would never do it with my children and did anyway. I came to realize when my oldest was 2 that I used them way too much in anger. So I stopped cold turkey. Only when they new it was deserved and explained to them, then they would get one whack on the bottom with the hand. Usually my youngest would cry uncontrollably because she got spanked so seldom. What's the old saying? Spare the rod, spoil the child.

Timeouts in the corner, taking away favorite things. My kids never had their games, a t.v., vcr, or stereos in their bedrooms, so going to their rooms for even 5 minutes was just torture for them. Using 1,2,3 used to work also.

My kids are teenagers now, so discipline takes on a whole new outlook. I think Dave said in a previous e-mail that from 13-18 aliens take them and return something you don't recognize. I laughed when I read that one.

I know James Dobson has a book out on disclipline for kids that I have heard good things about. The name escapes me right now. I'll have to find it for you.

When people praise the behaviour of your children, you know you are on the right track. Good job faithful servant!

kelly · Posted: Tue Apr 30, 2002 3:11 pm Post subject:

Thanks for repsonding Sam! I had never been "paddled", but Jason had so we did try it. My daughter got it once with a spoon (not hard) and nobody else since. I was not comfortable with it. We threaten it when sombody gets out of control, but have never had to follow through (whew!). We do, however, spank. They get warnings and reminders, but when they start to overstep our authority they get a spanking. We also use time-outs during which time we talk to them individually, with no distractions, about thier behaviour. We make sure they know what they did, why it was wrong to do, and how to handle it next time. Punishments are always ended with hugs and kisses. As long as we stick to our rules and follow through with punishments when necessary, ending these episodes with softness is productive, not spoiling.

Usually we tell them to stop first. We try not to yell b/c then we are responding more in anger and that shows we are not in control of the situation. We like to exert control at all times so the kids know thier place. If they don't listen after a warning or two (our 2 year old gets more warnings b/c he really is more active and forgetful...different needs), then they get a time-out. If the action is not corrected after the time-out, or if the action demands immediate and more severe punishment (such as hitting or biting), then they get a spanking immediately, then a time-out.

We also enforce "I am sorry" and "I forgive you". We don't force it if they are hesitant. We will pull them aside and ask what the problem is if they don't want to apologize or forgive and teach them the importance of it repeatedly. Both my 4 and 2 year old know well the meaning of apologies and forgiveness now. They apologize and forgive easily. Thank God for the work He does in us as parents, and in our children!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1946 Location: Chicago

Being able to teach "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" are big things with kids. I still work on it with my girls even though they are teenagers.

The book I was thinking of before is called "The New Dare to Discipline" by James Dobson. I think it's on sale right now for $10 on Amazon. It gives an excellent biblical perspective on how God wants us to handle discipline with our children.

Hope that's a good resource for you.

kelly · Posted: Sat May 04, 2002 6:10 am Post subject:

Thanks Sam, I will look for that one. I do currently have "Sheparding a Child's Heart", ever read that one? I haven't read it yet, but intend to soon. God Bless!

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

GIC · Full Member Joined: 02 Mar 2001 Posts: 102 Location: IL.

kelly · Posted: Sun May 05, 2002 7:28 pm Post subject:

GIC · Full Member Joined: 02 Mar 2001 Posts: 102 Location: IL.

Kelly, that's a big Yeah God!
I like what you said about having your kids ask for forgiveness. I need to work harder on that. Thanks. GIC Smile

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

GIC

I have 3 kids, [2]boys and [1]daughter, ages 19, 17, 15.

Watch your kids and their friends when they get to middle school. Elementary school is peaceful. Middle school is where the social pressure and the lack of control by school administors seems to come in.

This is also were the music, clothing and hair styles goes down hill. :dozingoff:

kelly · Posted: Mon May 06, 2002 8:59 am Post subject:

I admit to not looking forward to the teen years, however, most of our strategies have worked thus far, we will just continue to model a Godly lifestyle and do our best to impress upon our kids morals to live by. Once the individual preferences in hairstyle and clothes come in, I intend on letting them express themself in thier own way. A few things we will not allow is clothing that is provocative (for the girls) and tattoos and wierd peircings. I am not crazy about hair coloring, but as long as it isn't green I think I will allow it (haven't we all gone through that "I want something different" phase?). There is a girl in our church (old church) who dresses very strangely (homemade skirts of plastic and such), but of all the teenagers, she is probably the most Godly, most sincere, most loving and friendly. Just b/c she doesn't dress like us (she expresses herself very artistically!), doesn't mean God loves her any less and it doesn't mean she is less Godly in her actions. It means she is taking advantage of her free will that God blessed her with!

Our kids will probably be attending public school, which will make things more trying for them. Jason and I pray over them all the time (as our Emmie is in pre-school now) that she (they) be the light in the world. That they shine Jesus and is an example for thier friends. It has worked so far! Emmie's teacher was sick last week and Emmie came home and said she wanted to pray for her (Emmie is 4). We prayed then, before bed, and at the bus stop the next morning. When Emmie got home from school that day, I got a note from her teacher that she was so blessed by Emmie. As Emmie got to school that day, she asked the teacher if she was feeling better and told her that she prayed for her. The teacher told me that Emmie is one of the sweetest children she has met and she "shines" in the classroom! Her teacher says that ALL of the kids (and adults) love her! Praise God!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1946 Location: Chicago

I agree Dave. My girls are 17 and 21.
Sixth grade through eighth grade was enough to drive me crazy and where they're friendships often took a turn for the worse. Maybe it is different with boys, but girls can be awfully petty.
Mostly importantly, it is showing them to do things differently that their friends do. That it is OK to follow God's influence, but not their friends influence (unless they have friends who are believers). To look to see if God has instilled the gift of leadership in your child and help them to be warriors for their faith. My girls often commented at this age about friends in their church group who claimed to be believers, but showed no fruit of the spirit.

GIC · Full Member Joined: 02 Mar 2001 Posts: 102 Location: IL.

Dave, My 12 year old is in 6th grade that is middle school in my town. Which is in the high school! I help the english teacher once a week. The kids are really rough. It seems to me, the one's setting the standard are the ones with the most problems. It's hard to watch the 6th graders in the middle school. They can't even keep thier shoes tied! :crazy:
I shapperoned one dance and told my daughter, no more, for her or me. The 7th and 8th graders were grinding, like in the movie dirty dancing. As a parent in charge, I stuck my hand between two of them and said, 'If my hand doesn't fit, your too close!" They looked at me as if I were a moron. I don't expect things to get much easier. Sad

But with God's direction, I'll come through it. GIC

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Janine · Posted: Tue May 14, 2002 10:43 am Post subject:

I've a girl almost 21, still at home 'cause she's a full time student (over 20 hrs each semester @ university), a boy barely 17 and a boy barely 10.

The girl's busy, and a prickly firstborn type, so she's not been a moony romantic sort. The youngest has little or no interest in girls yet, and thinks the other guys, not much older than he, who boast about their girlfriends, are stupid...

The teen boy has been interested in a nice girl for about a year, but he's allowed such a restricted "dating" life, it's a wonder they maintain any interest in each other. She's a year or so older and could certainly find someone to "date" in the modern sense of the word, but she sticks with our son. Well, :rolleyes: :inlove: Wink

he IS pretty wonderful...

Anyway, we tell him things like, "you can't do anything with your girl you wouldn't do with your mom", re: dancing or any other contact, smootching, etc. I tell him stuff like, "If you kiss her goodnight, imagine you're kissing Grandma." Heh heh heh, that'll fix him...

Seriously, if teens are going to "get in trouble", they can manage it in 5 minutes in a broom closet at school or church...

What I pray we've been doing, is getting across something like Josh MacDowall's "precept/principle/Person" ideas.

That is, Scripture is full of handy rules and advice from God, precepts, things to live by. These concepts have value because they reflect principles that are broadly applicable in daily life, forever, in any time and place. These principles spring from characteristics of a Person, our God. We learn more & more about Him as we put these things into practice.

It's not as much that we don't want him "dirty dancing", or dancing at all; it's more that he hasn't even the right to writhe around with his body in such close proximity to a girl he's not in a position yet to marry/covenant with/support.

The emphasis is on the very idea of the lewd thoughts supported by the school dance, not the social activity of going to the dance. (Don't think I'm supporting the typical school dance, now. Little good came out of any one I've ever witnessed, and much evil...)

I've seen joyous dancing, happy brightly-lit wedding line dancing, with children and grandmas and the groomsmen in their tuxedos, celebrating the marriage of a beloved friend... Not a lascivious action, that I could see, in the whole event. Looked more like an aerobics class. But, of course, it takes a special school to strike that balance & get the students to dance with an attitude like that. Ain't gonna happen, most of the time.

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