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wanderingsheep11
Newbie
Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 2
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 Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 9:33 pm Post subject: Pregnant/Unmarried..should I stay with baby's dad |
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I am now 4 months pregnant and currently not seeing my baby's father. I'm 35, and he is 36. Although we both are christians we didn't maintain our purity which how we are where we are now.
I decided to break things off with him after finding out I was pregnant because he seems to be unreliable, his finances are completely out of wack...he has a full time job making over 55K, but is always broke (his car is paid for and he rents a room from a friend).
He says he loves me, but his actions are incongruent with what he says. I feel like just because I am pregnant doesn't mean I need to make two mistakes by marrying and being miserable. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1858
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 6:16 am Post subject: |
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Welcome - I'm glad you found GT. I think you'll find this to be a wonderful place to come and chat.
| Quote: | | I feel like just because I am pregnant doesn't mean I need to make two mistakes by marrying and being miserable. |
This is a wise decision. Just because you have a child coming doesn't mean marriage is the automatic next step. Family may want to pressure you into making another mistake - so be ready.
It's a scary time and I'm sure this has not been an easy decision for you, but I am grateful you've decided this is a precious life to be kept and loved and not destroyed.
I walked this journey with my daughter a couple of years ago who was only 21 at the time. She loved the man she was involved with but wasn't sure if she was ready for marriage. My husband and I encouraged them to enter into marriage mentoring and to sign up for a 6 week premarital class at our church. I'm so grateful they were willing to take our advice.
We saw huge changes in them - now 4 years later, they are married and have two more childen. Yes, 3 kids age 4 and under! And, I was a grandma at 45! Yikes  - but I love them all to death. They are the absolute joy in my life. I love their kisses and hugs the most.
Consider doing the work that is necessary in your relationship. Build communication and conflict resolution skills through counseling. When we short circuit God's design for our purity, we short circuit other areas of our relationship. I know my husband and I did that - we resolved our conflict under the sheets which means we never really resolved things, but buried them.
Pray for God's guidance and direction. He will provide it. If you find peace in your decisions instead of chaos and turmoil, then I believe you can have assurance He is guiding you.
It's OK to wait and not jump into marriage with the father of your child. If you need to wait until after the baby comes to see if he is ready to be a father and husband, then wait. Talk about the future, talk about finances, talk about your expectations, talk about your family backgrounds, talk about how you will raise this child together, talk about discipline and your roles as a mother and father.
Many Christian couples fall into the trap of giving up their purity. God is the great healer and forgiver. He is a God of do-overs. You can start again and not walk this journey until you're ready for marriage. Consider going to him in prayer, seeking forgiveness for your sin, then ask him to help you start fresh in honoring him with your purity. Ask him to bless you and this child, to cover you with protection for a healthly pregnancy and to help you navigate the relationship with your child's father.
This man is your child's father and developing the best relationship you can for your child is important. This doesn't mean being in a relationship with him as a couple, it means involving him in the growth of this child and the planning for baby classes and showers and the things the baby will need - that's if he wants to be involved.
All the attributes you see in him that you don't like, were there before. They didn't just come to the surface now. Instead of cutting off communication and the opportunity to participate in this pregnancy with you, show him God's grace and love. Perhaps you may see a change in him. If not, that's OK, and it will help you decide if he will be a good husband, but this baby needs its father involved whether you marry or not.
I have prayed for you, your child and this man this morning. I know God will help you work things out. Stay in touch and let us know how things are going for you. |
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wanderingsheep11
Newbie
Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 9:23 am Post subject: Thank you for words of encouragement |
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Thank you so much for your wise words of encouragement and especially praying for me. I really appreciate that the most.
The main reason for the split between the father and I was exactly what you said. I wanted to talk about the issues and he'd rather resolve them through physical intimacy. When I cut that out of the equation, I was always "negative" and he felt that I had changed. For two months, nothing would get resolved and we just stopped even having non argumental conversations with each other.
I'd love to do conflict counseling with him; but I'm not too sure how it would work out. I have been praying about it and really that's not a word I hear from God as of yet either. I am waiting to see "when" that will be appropriate.
I guess I have to work on myself and forgiving the dad for being the way he was when I met him, but my not realizing it. I feel alot of disappointment in having to do this without his active involvement. He does asks how I am doing, or but never what should we do to prepare for the baby's coming. He hasn't asked to go to the appointments with me even though I have given him appointment cards from the doctor's office with the date and time.
As a man who claims he wants to have a family with me and to be a Christian, I feel it is his responsibility to take some initiative and try to be actively involved. I've decided to wait and see what he'll do. In the meantime, I'm being responsible and planning for the future to make sure all is ready with or without him in our lives.
Thank God I don't feel frustrated walking through this though. I actually feel blessed in spite of my sin. I mean, a child is created by God and I can't believe that I was selected for this one. I also know that Christ is my husband and Godhead and He will take good care of my growing family even if I'm not married.
I really do appreciate your advice. I'm going to look for a spiritual counselor in the meantime, so that in the event that the father decides to become proactive, I'll be ready. Also, you encouraged me to do the right thing and have an open door for him to be a part of this new life.
Thanks and blessings! |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1858
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 10:08 am Post subject: |
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You're welcome.
Something else that crossed my mind is, to pursue legal support from the father for you child. Protect yourself and your child financially, don't believe that he will just give you the money you need. You've already mentioned that he is not financially responsible. Depending on the state you live in, they may take it automatically out of his paycheck. It is worth looking into. He may tell you to trust him on this - don't. |
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