Need Some Help !!

adrlex21 · Newbie Joined: 08 Feb 2006 Posts: 6

Hello all I am a young father of three beautifull daughters and have been married for 7 years now and my wife who we've tried so hard to work at our realtionship comes to me 3 days ago and tells me she cheated on me with some guy she meet online and is pregnant!! whoooo man I am soo devisated right now but I cannot throw her out of my house I only feel sorry and want to help her but it just hurts soo much. Shes not even sure who's baby it is but im sure its his and this guy who she doesnt remeber anything about doesnt care for her or wants her anymore. He just wanted a peice of A$%. It just hurts me to see my wife of 7yrs suffer. I would appreciate any advice.......

webacus · Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 7:16 pm Post subject:

Wow, you must devistated. This is a tough one.

I' m glad you are wanting to help your wife-- If you and your
wife both want to make this work, you can restore the marriage.
It will take work.

--What does your wife want to do?

I suggest counseling to sort this out.

adrlex21 · Newbie Joined: 08 Feb 2006 Posts: 6

Yup thats life huh right now it sucks im sooo hurt and soo confused. Part of me just wants to work this out with her and make my family a family again but then on the other hand just let her go and try and be happy. This to shall pass, and then be a single dad and maybe find someone better or at least that would be faithful and treat me better. SO what do you all think? thanks for the help it just hurts soooo much....

RBrownTN · Junior Member Joined: 04 Nov 2005 Posts: 44

First question you should ask yourself - are you willing to forgive her? I'm not talking about "if" she is sorry, or "if" she repents - but your heart needs to forgive her unconditionally - otherwise her sin is no worse than yours if you cannot. Yeah - it hurts, but this is where you need to seek the Lord and ask for His help, but your forgiving her is the first step.

Now, I'm guessing here, but since she's pregnant and remourseful for hurting you - her self-esteem is likely pretty low right now. Your strength here is gonna play a role in what happens next. She needs to know that despite the circumstances, can she count on you or not? This is no guarantee what happens down the road in your marriage - but God will bless those who seek Him during trials and not rely on thier own emotions.

Make no mistake, this is gonna take a lot of work by BOTH of you to repair your marriage. I would definately seek competent counseling at this point to mediate between the raw emotions you both are going through. Above all - seek God's wisdom and love in everything you do.

adrlex21 · Newbie Joined: 08 Feb 2006 Posts: 6

man that was good......You are such a wise person and I thank you for your comments they mean alot. I'm just here confused still I dont know what to do and ya its going to take time and help. But I like things to happen NOW! So as for me well i want whats best for me and my kids and for her I just dont want her to suffer that much I know she is and being pregnant is hard I know. One minute she was pregnant and i was always there for her and the next i dont give a **** about what she does (smoke,carry heavy things.....) but it just hurts and hurts and im just tired of talking...............I'll take all the suggestions thank you all

adrlex21 · Newbie Joined: 08 Feb 2006 Posts: 6

Ohh man I keep forgetting about this. At the start I was very hurt and angry and told her i would not help her if she didnt get rid of it. I as the person I am would never think of that but I did. I just dont believe in it but i just cant see my self helping her and staying with her with that kid. So This reply is important and I hope to hear from you all soon. PLEASE ???? I really love kids and there are millions of people out there who cant have any and here is my wife pregnant like nothing with her 4th and thats it.........................what would you do? keep kid or abortion?

RBrownTN · Junior Member Joined: 04 Nov 2005 Posts: 44

dimwood · Full Member Joined: 25 May 2005 Posts: 162

abortion is not an option....period...

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

Seeking the wise counsel of a pastor or Christian counselor for you and for your wife is an absolute must. Secondly, as hard as it would be as a woman to give up a child, I seriously would suggest considering adoption for this child. There would be a family out there to love this child unconditionally and never bring up the origin of their birth. This child would be a continuous reminder of the pain/sin that occurred. I would find this child extremely difficult to love and know another family could do much better than I. There is no way the emotions could be hidden from this child without them knowing they are the cause of pain and suffering between you and your wife.

A life has been created - it's that simple and it cannot be destroyed. That is why adoption needs to be seriously considered.

adrlex21 · Newbie Joined: 08 Feb 2006 Posts: 6

OK after talking and talking and talking every since.......and believe it or not reading yalls advice i sound truly misrable and I'm not but really hurt. I do and am going to seek counsel but as far as my marriage we have decided to seperate temporarly just to give me some time its what i want but my (our) kids are staying with me here at there home. Its just the best solution for right now and go to counseling together in the mean time you never know what time brings. Next my pain ya it will never go away and again time is the best healer. As far as the wifee well I am helping her in every way, I have offered my ear to listen, my hands to hold, and my heart if she needs me to be by her side when she makes HER deiscion. And with that said the baby well i told her everyside and what i would do but she really want to end it, she says its easier and and less painful on everyone but yes your right give it up but......then theres years away when he wants to know his mommy....hmmm it will hunt her forever but I dont know its up to her. Shes here in my house for as llong as she wants and I will sstand dbehind her descion because she is suffering the most. So what do yall think??????????

Searching · Newbie Joined: 20 Sep 2005 Posts: 15

Hi,

I hope you don't mind me jumping in..........I usually come here in seeking my own help in my messed up situation, but I had to share here.

I can't imagine what you must be going through, but PLEASE try to help your wife with not aborting. I am the adoptive mom of two precious gifts from God. They will always know that they were loved by their birth mothers. I have pictures of their mothers and send them pictures every year so they will know that their children are loved and healthy and try to give her the peace she needs with her decision.

There are so many resources out there to help. We used Bethany Christian Services. (I hope this is okay to say on this forum) www.bethany.org. She could contact an agency, gain support and even be involved in the adoption plan by choosing the family. There is also a testimony on their website of a woman in the exact postion of your wife, who had an affair and resulted in a pregnancy. She chose adoption and is in the process of healing with her husband.

I just had to share, because there is such an ache in a woman's heart when she is unable to conceive. I pray your wife can see an alternative. But, God is the giver of life and can take any situation and make it for His good. As hard as it may seem right now.

I know you will get support here, these people helped change my life. May God bless.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

Without a detailed plan for separation layed out with a mediator, it's usually not the best idea for a marriage. It's often a precusor to divorce.
Here's some suggested guidelines for a separation -
If separation is to be effective as a tool to restore the marriage, rules need to be established.

For starters, I suggest a structured, written covenant answering the questions below:
--What’s the goal for your separation?”
--How long will the separation last?
--Counseling: Together? Individually? How long? Goals?
--What issues/problems do you plan on addressing during the separation?
--Which issues will wait until you are both under the same roof again?
--How often will you see one another?
--What about phone calls? Emails?
--What is the plan for the one who moved out to see the children?
--What are you telling people/extended family about the separation?
--Are you planning on having sex while you’re separated?
--How will you know it’s time to move back in? After the baby is born?

Then, before a separation ends, you should negotiate an agreement for when you move back together that describes acceptable and unacceptable behavior. As Dr. Harley describes it, "Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse"
in his Policy of Joint Agreement.

Second, the pain of an abortion is with you forever. It will haunt her the rest of her life. It's not without it's emotional/physical scaring and isn't a quick fix to the situation. It does not make the pain of the affair go away for her - maybe for you, but not for her. Healing/forgiveness needs to occur from both sides of the equation. Healing for both of you through counseling - your ability to forgive in time, and the ability to forgive herself. There's an excellent article on GT about what forgiveness is and what it is not http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/article_667.php

adrlex21 · Newbie Joined: 08 Feb 2006 Posts: 6

man i agree with everything you all say and it all makes sense but the finally say and descision is on her and i can tell she doesnt know what to do. Neither do I. But its still feels like on bad dream...........thank you all for your words of wisdom and your commennts

Verrall · Newbie Joined: 17 Nov 2005 Posts: 2

Hi there adrlex21,

There is no way that I could understand fully what is happening to you. However there is someone who does - his name is Jesus Christ. He married a bride (you and I - his Church), and she was unfaithful, not just once, but millions of times. She produced offspring that were not of Christ as well. However he still loves and cares for her, he even died for her, to purify her and to bring her back to himself. Here is a link to a great lesson on this:
http://www.desiringgod.org/library/topics/sex/sex_supremacy_christ_pt1.html
Or listen on this page:
http://www.desiringgod.org/news_events/dgm_national/2004/media.html

Some suggestions:

Have you had a paternity test done. Perhaps, as in your first post where you were not sure if the baby was yours, perhaps it is yours, then there is nothing to worry about (as far as the baby goes).

Abortion = murder, do not go there. There are more children being aborted every day in the US, than were killed in 9-11. Funny how you do not hear about that on every news channel worldwide.
Interesting article on abortion: http://www.gnmagazine.org/issues/gn62/abortion.htm
Some sermons and other articles on abortion: http://www.desiringgod.org/library/topics/abortion/abortion_index.html

The decision is not your wife's only. The Bible says that when were are married we become one, and the man is the head of that body. It is no more your wife's decision (according to the Bible - not modern human rights activists), to have an abortion or to adopt the baby out, as it is for your toes to decided if their nails need cutting. You are one with your wife - she "IS" your body.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=eph%205:25-32;&version=47;
and like it ior not - you are responsible for her, and will give account for her on the last day. This is a decision that you should make together.

Some other great resources on Biblical Manhood and Womenhood are at http://www.cbmw.org.

If I could also add in 2 cents worth on seperation. Although I have never been in your situation, and do not fully understand first hand, I would not seperate. Yes, Biblically you have grounds for divorce, but you do not need to use them. Follow the example of Christ, he may use this to strengthen your faith, and to bring you closer to, and to have a greater understanding of him, as he did with Ezekiel. Seperating from your wife will not show her the love that she needs. By loving and forgiving her (following the path of Christ), how much more would she love, honour and esteem you. How much more less likely would she be to have another "fling", as she is content to be in your loving, forgiving, precious arms - and no-one else on earth could ever match that!

Godhelpme · Newbie Joined: 23 Aug 2006 Posts: 1

adrlex21, I know this has been a while (Feb) but I just came across you posting.
I too had an affair back in 1992, became pregnant and did get an abortion and never told my husband. The Abortion comes to mind alot.
The days I got it each year, how old it would be now. Just thought I'd share. It hurts still and it would be 14 years old.

now my husband cheated on me and we are working on our marriage, MC is very mportant and I pray yours is working as well.
Bless you!

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