Tired Of Trying...

graceunderfire · Newbie Joined: 20 Aug 2006 Posts: 3

This is my first post and I am hoping to find some christian advice or maybe a christian friend just to talk to who God has led my way. I have been married for 16 yrs. We were 17 & 18 when we married. We did not have God until about 9 years into our marriage. We have had our trials and have "with Gods help" come out on top. A few years ago some things happened in our relationship that would have left most marriages in divorce but I rellied on God and he gave me strength to get past it but then once I let my guard down I was hurt with the same situation not once but twice. I know most of you are thinking affair but actually the physical act never happend but he did have feelings for her. Something happened that erased the forgiveness that I had after the first situation. Once the second time happened I built this wall so that I would not get hurt again. Since then I have wanted so much for some kind of recognition that he feels sorry for what he put me through. I have even talked to him about how I was feeling but he just listened and did not act except to act like he could care less if I was still hurt. We have a 16 yr. old and a 7 yr. old. He has made it very clear that he would prefer to not be a father. He acts like we are a bother to him. He has been trying for at least 10 years to make it as a pro bass fisherman and he use to have his priorities in the correct order and I use to be his number one fan and support him in his efforts. Now that I am not getting my needs filled with a christian husband who is there for me and his family I resent everything about him. He will act so childish when it comes to money and when confronted I wind up getting my feelings hurt. He absolutly will not communicate with me. His favorite words are " I don't know". I feel as though I have to make the descisions about raising our children. He does know how to demand respect from them he refuses to earn it. His dream of becoming a pro fisherman is costing us no less than $600 a month and most of the time more. He talks more to his fishing buddies than me. He has no desire to do things with his family eventhough he will go along with us he does not act like he wants to be with us. My children can tell their father does not want to spend time with them which brakes my heart. I have debated if divorce would be the less of two evils. I have talked till I am blue in the face. I have prayed, prayed and prayed some more. I feel I have tried and been patient so long that there is no where else to go. I have MS and struggle with the effects of this disease daily, I have no support from my husband. I think he feels that since I do not work out in the work force anymore that I should be able to handle everything. He acts like he is angry if I am having a bad day when my body does not want to work. I usualy cry myself to sleep. I have no one to talk to. I need him. I find myself thinking if I knew what I know now I would not have married him. I can not stand for him to touch me. I have sex out of obligation not desire. I cry during and after. If he does not want to try to save this marriage and try to understand my needs and fill them then how can I continue to take this emotional beatting every day?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1928 Location: Chicago

We're glad you've come to GT.

I believe you know that divorce is not the answer because it is not what God desires for you. His desire is a restored marriage. I know, you cannot do that alone - it takes two.

graceunderfire · Newbie Joined: 20 Aug 2006 Posts: 3

Hi, thanks for your time to post. I would like to answer your questions and also give you alittle more info. on my situation. We do have a wonderful church family and great mutual christian friends. For our 15th wedding anniversary my husband planned a surprise wedding (along with these friends). We were married in a court house so I had always wanted a church wedding, he had the beautiful long train dress, the big wedding cake, my whole family was in on it. Afterwards he took me on a honeymoon straight from the wedding. The reason I am telling you this is that due to this seemingly wonderful gesture we had gone through this hurtful ordeal that not many knew about and in my mind was not resolved. The ones who did know about the "affair of the heart" would say he really loves you, this is his way of making up for all the hurt. Then the others who did not know of our problem thinks he is such a wonderful husband and that I am so lucky to have a husband who would do something like that. But heres the thing he thinks that should be it. I just need closure to the affair. Just words from his heart but he refuses. I have a wonderful friend whos husband left her "her husband use to be my husbands best friend and the one he went to for christian advice". She has the strongest faith of anyone I know. She has hep.C, serosis of the liver and has been given a short life span by doctors standards plus her husband divorced her to be with someone else and he has been an alcholic for most of their marriage. She praises God in the midst of all she is going through and she has said somethings to me to help me in my situation that makes since, One of which is his way of dealing with his problems arent the way I want him to. She has had times of conversation with him (once when I was in surgery) and later she told me how much he loved and cared about me but it is hard to beleive from the way he acts around me. As far as his fishing goes he has started to win, he has sponsors now and has won a boat in one championship where there were 250 boats and he came in 2nd place. He is in 3 more championships come Sept. and Oct. The problem is its and up and down game and he has tunnel vision thats made him forget about his family. He has told me about the high rate of divorce for couples who husbands fish almost if to say he will choose fishing over his family. He has OCD and is on medicine for that. Our 7 year old son also has OCD which causes him to have panic attacks daily. My husband who could really help my son cope with this just keeps his distance to leave me to cope with him. My friend whom I spoke of earlier said she feels that maybe he is that way because he feels helpless to fix his sons problem so he pushes away. I as a mother who feels that I should be able to fix my childrens problems am struggling and fighting to keep my head above water dealing with everyones problems and no one to help me. I am not trying to have a pitty party I just need to get it out. I have a father who does not know how to read or write, I handle all his finances (my parents are not together and he is alone). My mother is always borrowing money from me and my husbands mother has stage 4 lung cancer (has lived 2 yrs longer than expected PRAISE GOD) I help her by cleaning her house eventhough I feel like I will collapse. God has given me no more than I can handle or at least that is what the Bible says. I know that God has purpose for everything and I am a witness to my husband and others ( I use to go around speaking at churches about how God has used my MS as a blessing). I guess I feel like I have done so much for so long without his help and my body is tired. I have spoke with my pastor in the past about how I wish daily for the lord to take me on home because I - my body and soul- is so tired I just can't wait to get to Heaven for the disease to be taken away. I struggled with depression due to my MS ( one of the lesions on my brain is in the emotions control area). He(my husband) was not there for me I felt like it did not matter if I lived or died. If not for the thoughts of what would happen to my children I do not know what I would have done. I have since been treated and am on yet another medication but anything to keep from feeling that horrible hopeless feeling again. I have back slid from God I do not read my Bible like I use to and because I am so tired I guess I use that as an excuse. I have alot of trouble reading at times so I have the Bible on tape but it is not the same as reading it is harder to focus. I know I have given you more information than you probably wanted. It just seems easier to talk to someone who does not know you. I appreciate your time to respond and your prayers would be greatly appreciated. IF you would pray for my son his name is Devin that would be great. Smile

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1928 Location: Chicago

I have lifted you up in prayer today, your son and your marriage.

I have to ask again - did you and your husband ever seek marriage counseling together after the emotional affair was discovered? He may be thinking, "big deal, I never had sex", and of course, you are devastated. He may not recognize it as an affair of the heart. In order for you to heal, counseling needs to take place. If your husband will not go, then please go for yourself.

I know the overwhelmed feeling. In the past two years, I have dealt with Fibromyalgia, the illness of my mother-in-law, the death of my father-in-law and taking care of running my own business, our home finances and my in-law's finances. And... the pregnancy of my teenage daughter.
Quite the load.

I've come to understand that God is quite capaable of handling it all, if.... I hand it over to Him. Easier said than done. But, while reading a devotional one day called, "Daily Steps for God Chicks" by Holly Wagner, I discovered that if I took all of my worries and anxieties and wrote them down on a piece of paper each morning, then crumpled them up and threw them in the garbage can and told God, "these belong to you and are no longer mine," I was free from my burdens. A couple of times, I took the paper out to the fire pit in the back yard and burned it Very Happy

I'm reading a book to released in the next several months called, "Who Is This Jesus?", by Daniel Owen and Craig Bubeck

There is a part that struck me this morning pretty deeply between the eyes, so I will share it with you -

Many people feel like they’re in a prison of monotony, where every day is the same as the one before. They wake up in the morning and they think, “It’s just one more day of the same thing. I have to go to the same job. I have to look at the same faces. I have to deal with the same problems. My life is on a boring track because I’m always doing the same thing.”

We have believed the lie that tells us life should be one giant adrenalin rush. So we build the biggest rollercoaster, or we buy the latest gadget or a nicer house. We’re always looking for the next thrill that will make our lives a little more exciting or meaningful. We’ve all done that. We all yearn for something that will perk up our lives just a bit and make us feel a little more at peace and have a teensy bit more meaning in our lives.

We expect our bosses, our spouses, and our friends to remove the boredom from our lives. But it doesn’t happen, so we get upset. Yet the problem isn’t someone else. The problem of boredom is in my life and in my heart.

What poison is to food, self-pity is to life. Some have called self-pity the most destructive of human emotions. It is destructive because it whines, entangles, and entwines a wide range of harmful emotions like anger, resentment, pride, fear, and bitterness. They are all part of the package deal that self-pity sells us.

Instead of moving on with life, we get stuck. Instead of taking advantage of opportunities, we remain at square one. We stop seeing all that God has for us because our eyes are focused on self. Self-pity shuts out other people and God. It immobilizes us. We look at life and think, “Poor me. Woe is me.” I’ve had some good pity parties where I just sat there and wallowed in it for a while. But then I realized that something is not quite right. I needed to stop and focus on the ways God has fulfilled his promises in my life.

Our sinful nature says, “I need this to keep me happy,” or “I need this new toy to fill my life.” But Jesus says, “That’s not what you need. What you need is fellowship with me.”

We should also celebrate life, but not just inwardly by counting our blessings. We should do so outwardly and with exuberance. We should celebrate art. We should celebrate music. We should celebrate family and friends. You can celebrate by going to a San Francisco Giant’s game, but not an A’s game (just kidding!). You can celebrate with laughs and by reading your favorite magazine. You can celebrate by spending time with the Lord. We are to enjoy the life God has given us.

I am excited to see a movement in America, as I have visited many churches across the country, that promotes celebration. People are saying, “Okay, my life is hard, and yes, it can be difficult and I am going through some pain right now, but I can still celebrate God’s love for me.”

Celebrate the life God has given you, the children He has given you, the home and the husband. He does not make mistakes - we do. He's made no promises it will be perfect. Adam and Eve messed up the rose garden, so God's not going to promise me one Very Happy

Even during great pain and struggles, God has grown me - He has used me - He has molded me - He has made me a new vessel for His purpose.
I pray you can see through your clouds right now knowing you can always count on Him to see you through this time. He will not let you down.

graceunderfire · Newbie Joined: 20 Aug 2006 Posts: 3

I will tell you how this played out. My husbands Doctor admitted him into a phsy. unit due to his panic/OCD becoming unbearable/suicidal. While in the hospital he met a female who was bi polar, they confided in each other and became close due to this. When he came home and she got out she started calling him. I thought it was just one call which turned out to be numerous calls throughout each day. He started asking for prayer for her in our class at church. I started feeling in my heart there was more there than he told me. I started repeating scripture and stating some things that Dr. James Dobson says on the subject and explained I did not think a man who especially was married was who she needed to talk to. He made me think that he had broken the ties. I could still tell from day to day that something was not right. I then became a detective looking in his car and checking his cell phone and sure enough I found he had still been talking to her. I did not say anything for a few days and then he said he needed to talk to me, my heart sank into my stomache I knew something bad was about to be said. He went on to tell me he had feelings for her and he was confused. I just took a deep breath and again repeated scripture and told him I know he has been through this ordeal and on new medications but I could not allow him to go and explore his feelings for her. He needed to get with the preacher and God and sort this out I would not stand for this to continue the way it was. He left the house and I automatically called her number and got the answering machine which stated have a Jesus Filled Day. This made me so angry so I found another number I had written down and called it. It was her cell and she answered. I told her she was hypocrite she was married and proclaimed to be a christian but she was telling my husband that until that ring was off his finger she would not be with him. This was not what a christian would do. Someone else got on the phone saying she agreed with me that neither my husband or this person aught to be speaking to each other they both need councel. I was exhausted and we did not speak or sleep in the same room that night. He left the next morning for work and I could only assume it was over then Sunday came. During the invitation call in sunday service my husband got up and went to the front to speak to the preacher. After the alter call the preacher stated that my husband had something he would like to say. He began by explaining how and why he was in the hospital then how he met someone and had allowed satin to get his foot in the door. He said he was headed down the wrong path and that most wives would have not been as understanding and he appologized to me and the church. I could not beleive how much courage he had to be so honest. Everything was becoming better than before it happened. We started a marriage bible study and were really communicating. Weeks went by I can't even remember and once again there was a call and ask for someone who was not living there. I could tell by the caller ID it was her. I started being the detective again and found more than I wanted to know. We went around again with nothing is going on, I wanted to beleive it but after a few more weeks of the lies I decided he was going to make a decision or I would. He said he did not want to loose his family over this so he called her there in front of me, there was an argument between them and that was it. Or was IT? I was so hurt inside I had built up this wall that I am not sure will ever totally come down. I have wanted to get counceling together he just ecnores me. Of course you know about the wedding and so forth. Something died in me that day, complete trust? Love? I just do not know and since it was never resolved I feel as though I can not go forward and when he seems to want nothing to do with his family I just wonder why I keep putting myself in hurtful situations.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1928 Location: Chicago

What I can see are challenges that go very deep - not just the issue of the emotiional affair.

It is not unusual when someone is struggling to gain control of their life to reach out to someone. Unfortunately, it happened to be another woman. He took a huge step by coming foward in your church and swallowing his pride and admitting his sin. That is HUGE - not many men would do that. He was willing to get on the phone with her and you next to him. Not many guys would do that either. Perhaps, she is the one that has continued to pursue him. Maybe it's time to change cell phone numbers so she cannot reach him. Is what he did to you wrong - absolutely. Should he be hanged by his toenails - you bet. Should you seek to divorce him for this? That's between you and God. But, I can guarantee that God will not let your spirit rest over such a decision.

It sounds like he has made somewhat of an effort, more than many men would make and he may be feeling "will it ever be enough?" The issue has not been put to rest in your mind, and that is why counseling is still needed. If you have not dealt with the pain in your marriage together through counseling, it's going to continue to be a rough ride.

It's hard to look at the condition of your own heart. It just is. It's bitter, it's angry, it's hurt, it's jealous and it's in pain. Jesus can help with the pain, but He's telling you to work on the bitterness, anger, hurt and jealousy.

Start the counseling for yourself - perhaps he will join you later.

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