he refuses to go to counseling

pregnant&confused · Newbie Joined: 14 Jun 2006 Posts: 7 Location: indiana

About a month ago I found out my husband did have s** with another woman whose name he didn't even know he met her at a gas station and the affair took place 7 years ago while I was pregnant with our second daughter. I really took it hard at first but thought about the fact it was many years ago and he has repented and i will forgive but i'm having a hard time forgetting. He promised to stop looking at porn and go to counseling. well it has been about 1 month friday the porn started allover again along with the lies. and he refused to go to counseling. whats worse is we haven't been to church faithfully lately and i feel so alone. he finally told me today he is an adult and can lie to me if he feels like it and i should deal with the porn because he likes it. I know i am not perfect in this relationship. i have gained alot of weight during my last 3 pregnancies and have had a hard time losing it. He feels that i have lied to him about our finances which about 2 years ago that was the case but i promised i would be honest and have. i am so scared and need direction.

webacus · Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 6:13 pm Post subject:

pregnant&confused · Newbie Joined: 14 Jun 2006 Posts: 7 Location: indiana

Thank you so much for your response and advice. Unfortunately I do not have a close friend to confide in. I have been married for what will be 11 years on 8/13/06 When i got married my husband and i moved and i became so consumed with him and my daughter who was born 13 months after we were married I never took time for myself. For years he and i called each other best friends but now I wonder what I was thinking. About an hour ago I asked him if he would refrain from looking at the porn in our home around myself and our kids. It hurts so bad right now especially since I am 4 months pregnant and even more sensitive than usual. He told me I was manipulative and needed to be a woman and let him be a man. Then he packed a bag and left. I am almost glad yet hurt. I just want to be happy and safe. I'm so tired of being afraid and not trusting the man I love. I want to fall asleep when I'm tired and not have to stay awake till the middle of the night literally babysitting my husband making sure he doesn't jump online and look at porn.[/quote]

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

If he packed his bags and left tonight, then there are two conditions for letting him come back home - counseling and a porn filter for the computer. Without it - no dice. Whether he thinks so or not, he has already committed adultery in his heart and through his eyes by lusting after other women on the internet.

I have some great books to recommend - "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson which is for you and for your husband "Every Man's Battle" and "Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn. Arterburn also writes a great book for women called "Every Heart Restorned" which is about women and the men in their lives who deal with addictions to pornography.

I Pray for your strength during this difficult time. Please know our loving God is right there with you to lift you up and provide all that you need. Start searching for a church home in your area where people can love you, support you and give you encouragement when you need it. Sometimes it takes awhile to find one, but it is worth the effort.
Check out this site for something that may be close to your home -
http://www.willowcreek.com/wca_info/find_a_church/ProfileSearch.asp

webacus · Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 8:48 am Post subject:

pregnant&confused · Newbie Joined: 14 Jun 2006 Posts: 7 Location: indiana

Just wanted to thank you both for the words of encouragement and advice. The last few days have been really tough, but I have tried to remain focused on God rather than my situation. I have looked in my local paper and found a few support groups for spouses dealing with sexual addictions. I am going to try to get up the nerve to attend one I really need to talk to someone I can trust and get rid of some of this baggage I have been carrying for years. I will write back soon. Please keep me and my family lifted up in your prayers. I want to do the right thing and make good healthy choices. I am so thankful that God has given me some peace in the midst of this storm. Last night was the first time in months I didn't go home and play porn police and check the internet history on my computer. I just knew it would stress me out more. I did download x3watch so that at least I'm not playing the fool. I really just need to figure out how to handle my marriage with 3 kids and 1 on the way I am a little scared. But I can do bad by myself.

pregnant&confused · Newbie Joined: 14 Jun 2006 Posts: 7 Location: indiana

By the way my husband came home last night and was real talkative about everything but our issues it almost felt like he just wanted me to forget what happened the night before and move on. I was too tired physically and emotionally to argue and fight so I was nice but not stupid I kept my mouth shut and figured when my kids go to visit my mom this weekend I would calmly bring things up and try to reasonably discuss our issues. Do you agree?

webacus · Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 1:58 pm Post subject:

Sounds like a good approach.
At least at this point he's open & communicating.
Good to have alone time too-- with the kids away.

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