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peacerome
Newbie
Joined: 04 May 2006
Posts: 19
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 Posted: Wed May 10, 2006 2:22 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks, Sam. The Lord is truly using you. Is this a vocation for you? You are so good at what you do here. I appreciate you and your responses. Our "situation" happened a year ago (a partial revealing 6 months prior to that). We were married at 20 and have been married 23 years. For more info. you can read other posts by me.
I would love to know how to read the founders of Grwothtrac's story. How? Where do I find it? It helps me so much to read the journey and trials of others and how they overcome and succeed. I have always been an avid reader and learner.
I am one who really likes for my "life" to be in control...no surprises...a bit of a perfectionist and people pleaser...and a fixer. So, needless to say, this is probably at the heart of why I am having such a hard time just accepting my situation (you can read more about it on other posts). I want answers...I want to understand. The how and why is very important to me. I feel if I have answers that it won't happen again. I know for certain that my husband and I have the Lord in control of our marriage and Satan will NEVER get it again. But, I still want answers of before. There are so many issues on so many levels that are blown apart when this happens. Putting them back together in some ways has been unbelievably easy (because of the Lord) and other areas are so hard to understand and "fix." Before this was revealed...I would have said I would never stay with someone who did this to me and us...but, somehow in that moment of truth when my husband sat me down and told me what I knew in my heart...God gave me peace and the peace-of-mind to listen and pray...it is amazing (and only the Lord could do it) that I sat there and listened and allowed my husband to tell me everything without interrupting (he told me he never could have if I hadn't of listened)...so I am thankful. I can't describe to you the emotions and feelings that were going through me, but somehow I listened and said..."I love you and believe in you more than you do in yourself...because if you loved yourself you would have never done this...I will always love you and believe in you and ask the Lord to help us mend this marriage and our lives. But, this is the only time I will...I won't ever let you do this to me and us again. We are at the crossroad...the choice is yours." We then went into the other room and emailed the OW. That was their last contact and I was there. As you can read in other posts...I did correspond with the OW for awhile to try and understand...I wanted the details...I didn't want them to be the only ones that knew the secrets (bring them to light and deal with them) and to me knowledge is power. I wanted the power to overcome this devastation and betrayal. We started going to counseling the next day (another answer to prayer). God has been AMAZING through this journey...and he ain't through with us yet!! We have never felt the presence of the Lord like we have the last year.
We went to a marriage conference this past weekend and had a wonderful and life-changing time. We were a part of a vow renewal ceremony Saturday night that gave us the opportunity to "do it again" and really understand and mean it this time. That was a real cleansing for my husband to be able to hold my hands in the candlelight and say our vows again...it was like a rebirth. He wept and so did I.
Again, thank you Lord that you have allowed us to mend the mess we made. Thank you for being true and real in our lives. We lean completely on you.
Again, sorry for such a long post...it sure helps me and I hope it helps others. It is a moment by moment recovery. But, with the Lord's guidance...WE ARE DOING IT! I look forward to hearing from you and anyone else that would like to respond. Blessings, |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2053
Location: Chicago
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dharrison
Newbie
Joined: 09 May 2006
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 9:40 am Post subject: |
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| All these tactics are great, but how do you use these ways of change when you are separated and almost to the point of you spouse filing for divorce. My spouse is seeing another person now and wants out. How do I stand for a marriage like this and how can he see the changes that needs to be made in order for God to reel him back to me. We dont even speak to eachother, or see eachother for about 60 sec everyother weekend when he brings our children back home. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2053
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 11:46 am Post subject: |
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No easy answers when you have a spouse who refuses to come home or seek the help they need and is involved with someone. It is a very hurtful place to be as you have been betrayed and abandoned.
I've known some people to wait it out and refuse to sign divorce papers. I've know people to ask for family/spousal counseling again. I've known miracles to happen through prayer. And... I've know some people to find their way in healing themselves and looking at their wayward spouse through Christ's eyes. There's nothing you can do to change his behavior.
There is much you can do to change your outlook, responses to him, your love for him and wipe away the hatred and hurt. |
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peacerome
Newbie
Joined: 04 May 2006
Posts: 19
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| Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 12:59 pm Post subject: |
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Hello dharrison.
I have a very good friend that went through the same thing 10 years ago. She and her husband were at seminary the same time as me and my husband. I was absolutely blown-away when we found out he was having an affair with a choir member in their church (he was choir director and his wife was accompianist). This OW and her husband were great friends with our friends. Crazy. The affair even continued when our friends moved. The OW and her husband would go and visit them...wow. Well, anyways, my friend caught her husband when she was 8 months pregnant with their second child. They already had a 2 year old that took them 10 years to conceive. This was devastating to say the least. She called me continously. We talked a lot. I was so amazed that she stilled loved him so much. She did not allow him in the delivery room...he was outside the door. This affair completely changed our guy friend...he started listening to music he didn't previously like, was horrible to his wife...never was before...gave up his kids whom he adored..started drinking...became VERY depressed, etc. Well, my girlfriend NEVER gave up on her marriage. I was amazed. She continued to pray for him and them. She would write him cards and letters telling him how much she believed in him and their marriage. She said that if he would completely turn away from the OW and repent and really want to restore and reconcil that she would be there for him. She truly took a stand for her marriage. She would take pictures of the kids and videotape the kids to show him what he was missing, etc. She sent him scripture verses all the time. She read and prayed like nobody's business. She was firm and strong, but loving. This went on for a year or so. They even reconciled one time and came to our house on the way to the beach. When she was giving the girls a bath, I asked him why he was back and he said that he missed his girls so much and couldn't stand to be away from them. I got angry and told him if he wasn't back in the marriage because he wanted to reconcil his marriage and love his wife...he was back for the wrong reason. I said, "you don't think your girls will grow up and know you don't love their mother?" I said you are severly depressed and need major counseling and medication. So, he ended up leaving her again for the OW, but when he did finally come back....it was for the right reasons. He had gotten counseling and medication for depression. Now, 8 years later...they have a wonderfully restored marriage and more love than you can imagine. It was really hard and a long road, but they are doing it together with the Lord. They are a wonderful family and a true testimony to the Lord's ability to restore anything if given the chance.
So, if this is what the Lord is convicting you to do....stand for your marriage. Read, pray, get counseling (CHRISTIAN) and work on lifting your husband and marriage and family to the Lord. Don't play games...be real.
I don't know if this will help. There are lots of great websites and books that would be helpful.
You are in my prayers. Remember, anything is possible if you lean and trust in the Lord.
Blessings to you and yours. |
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