2 Month Old Marriage on the ROCKS (long)

Pray4Salvation · Newbie Joined: 26 Apr 2006 Posts: 4

I have been married for just about 2 months (the April 28th will be the 2nd month). My husband is a wonderful man of God. He's very strong willed just as I prayed for. He is an excellent provider making sure that everything is taken care of. He has been married before. His first marriage ended a little over 2 years ago (it lasted for about 6-7 years). That was a very BAD divorce.

Well my issue is this, my husband threatens to divorce me every time that I do something that he doesn't like. I guess he thought that in marriage I would be perfect. I myself just turned 26 and he just turned 29. I was a single mom before he and I got together. My son is now 7 years old. Since being married, I see that it takes ALOT of work. I didn't come with a "how to be a perfect Christian wife" hand book programmed in my brain.

And being that I have never been married, I screw up every now and then. He constantly throws scripture in my face to show me how wrong I am. And I do my best to humble myself. Well I will get to the point. The latest thing that he is divorcing me over is a website. When we met I had a few websites (christian websites talking about Jesus) now mind you men would at times send me emails, some speaking about Jesus and some not. So Mike told me to close them all down (cancel all the sites)...this was months ago. Well I didn't want to because I thought that it could help someone out there who is unsaved.

But he doesn't care all he cares about is that men have spoken to me before in the past on the sites. So I stopped updating the site and just kinda let it go. I didn't delete them, I just put them deep in the back of my memory. So yesterday I had some relax time and I got online and checked my sites. I told him about it today and he went off! He said that I never listen. He said that I should have deleted them months ago. So I said "okay fine I will delete them when I get home" and I did. No biggie.

So he says that I have taken him for granted and GOD and hopefully in my next marriage I won't do that. I think he is blowing this way out of proportion just as he has with everything else.

He wants me to be perfect and I'm not. I do my best to follow God's word and be a wonderful wife to my husband but as soon as I do something that doesn't meet his standards he says it's over!! I am tired. He has done this about 5 times in the past 3-4 months. EVERY TIME I DO SOMETHING THAT DOESNT FIT IN LINE WITH HIS SCRIPTED LIFE.

He asked me to change my hair, I did. He asked me to change my clothing...I did. I didn't dress provocative at all but he wants me to wear long shirts to cover my backside so that I won't tempt men to look at my butt. I said okay. He told me to change my cell number, I did. He has basically been molding me into the wife that he wants but his standards are so high. He is like the sergeant and I'm his private in the Army.

I get lectured all the time like a little child. I can't even talk over him when he gets on a roll. When he was trying to end it with me on the phone I said "Mike you really need to pray because your angry, you need to pray to God." he says "NO YOU NEED TO PRAY TO GOD BECAUSE YOU DON'T LISTEN!!!!!"

He bought me a car and said that if I keep the car I have to keep the payments up. and if I can't then I need to turn it back over to him. I just started a new job 3 days ago so he knows I can't handle a payment right now. I am just tired. Usually when he threatens to divorce I cry and just about beg him to forgive me and to give me another chance. And when he's ready he says "okay God spoke to me and I forgive you and I love you."(very calmly as if nothing every happened) and then we are back to normal (for about a week or so until the next time).

But I'm so tired of this back and forth. Part of me is wondering if I should just let him go. Or should I try to get things on track. But I know that I don't want to live my life walking around on egg shells waiting for sergeant slaughter to go off again. I want so bad to stay in God's will and I know that divorce isn't in his will. But he is a forgiving God.

I feel kind of embarrassed about the whole thing. Because right before we got married I was having second thoughts...I wanted to wait just a little while longer. But he was in a rush. He did the mind trick again "If you don't marry me now then we can't get married, you are hurting me, i feel like i'm being left at the alter, how could you? You should be ashamed of yourself!" (2 hour lecture)

SO of course I ended up whinning and crying and I asked him to stay and we ended up getting married shortly after. I wanted to marry but I wanted to wait a little longer. But noooooo it was either his way or the highway. Mike uses scripture (especially "wives submit yourselves to your husband") all the time. He has even gone as far as saying "I AM THE KING....RIGHT???" and I didn't say anything because I feel like he's trying to show how powerful he is. That lead to an hour lecture about how he is the king of the family and I am supposed to acknowledge that when he asks. I shouldn't stay quiet because that's a sign of disrespect.

But if you could have heard the way that he said it. I know that Mike is the king of our family but don't try to belittle me in the process of proclaming who you are.

*sigh* I don't know what to do. Oh and I left out all the wonderful things that he does. He is a good man and I love him dearly but I don't know if I should just call his bluff this time around and just let him go. He is probably waiting for me to come running back apologizing like I always do. I am praying to God but I want to hear some opinions from those who have been married longer than 5 years.

In no way shape or form and I acting as if I am not wrong at times. But some of this stuff is outrageous to me. I got an attitude one day, I wasn't in a good mood and he let me have it. Never cursing or anything like that but he just talks to me like I'm his child. I told him that his mouth is like a oozee revolver. He does this to everyone he comes in contact with, even his mother.

Everyone is like "oh lord Mike is started up again" Rolling Eyes

when he starts ranting and raving about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. He said he does this because he has to. He does this out of love. But to me it just makes people feel like they can't be around him or tell him anything because everything turns into finger pointing and a lecture.

Well my marriage might be over. I will give it over to the Lord. That's all I can do. If he wants us to be married we will be, if not then that must be his will. And his will is perfect even if it hurts me.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

I am so glad you came to GT and posted here.

A few things come to mind after reading your post.

As for throwing the "wives must submit" verse at you. Let's take a look at the whole content of this verse in Ephesians -

Ephesians 5:21-28

21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives and Husbands
22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

It says to submit to one another.
It tells a husband to love his wife, not be king over her.
It tells a husband to love his wife like Christ loves the church.
It tells a husband to give up his life for his wife.
It tells a husband to love his wife as much as he loves himself.

For your marriage to survive, you need will need Christian counsel immediately. Do not waste any time - run, do not walk for the help you need.

I'm posting a long list of what the signs of verbal and emotional abuse are.
Please read through these and honestly answer them.

Do you wonder if your relationship may be abusive? Ask yourself the questions below. If you answer 'yes' to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look:

Does your partner:

- ignore your feelings?

- disrespect you?

- ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?

- ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?

- withhold approval, appreciation or affection?

- give you the silent treatment?

- criticize you, call you names, yell at you?

- humiliate you privately or in public?

- give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?

- make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?

- seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?

- tell you are too sensitive?

- hurt you especially when you are down?

- seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?

- have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?

- present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?

- "twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?

- try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?

- complain about how badly you treat him or her?

- threaten to leave, or throw you out or hold divorce over you?

- say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?

- ever threaten to hurt you or your family?

- ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?

- seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?

- compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?

- promise to never do something hurtful again?

- harass you about imagined affairs?

- manipulate you with lies and contradictions?

- act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?

- question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?

- interrupts you and tells you you never really listen?

- make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't?

- incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame?

- try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"

- frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?

- treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:

You express your opinions less and less freely.

You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.

You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.

You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior.

You feel emotionally unsafe.

You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.

You hope things will change... especially through your love and understanding.

You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.

You doubt your own judgment.

You doubt your abilities.

You feel vulnerable and insecure.

You are becoming increasingly depressed.

You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.

You have been or are afraid of your partner.

Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.

If you feel your relationship may be verbally and emotionally abusive, talk to people you trust. Talk to clergy, call your local battered women's shelter, educate yourself, seek professional help. Do not allow verbal and emotional abuse to escalate to battery!

CMcC · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 53

I am so sorry you are going through this. (((HUGS))) Have you read the articles about abuse? I saw [u]several[/u] red flags in your post. You need to understand the problem isn't you...it's within him. He may quote scripture, but so does Satan. Satan uses scripture and twists it all around to suit himself. Before you report me, I'm not saying your husband is the devil. However, a true man of God [b]does not[/b] act or treat others the way your husband does. When we become saved, our lives our transformed into the likeness of Christ. Our old self dies on the cross. Quoting scripture means nothing unless you live it. I grew up in an abusive home. (Physically, emotionally, and sexually.) Before I was born, the same man who is my earthly "father" was a preacher. However during the 17 years I lived in that family, he did many unspeakable evils. Why am I telling you this? Because you have to understand and see your husband for who he really is. Your husband sounds just like what my earthly "father" was like. Did your husband come from an abusive home? Most abusive people come from abusive homes. The trick is to stop the cycle....which is very difficult to do. Growing up me and my family rarely missed a day of church. My parents actively taught Sunday School, VBS, Children's church, etc. But at the same time, the abuse and neglect continued. I've seen the fits of rage with quoting scripture. Every day of my life he threw scripture in my face that I must forgive..... Please see your husband for who he really is, look at his actions, then take appropriate action. Your 7 year old is watching, and learning...please don't put him in danger.

I just posted today about my own anger issues. Here are the helpful verses that someone gave me. Smile

1 Corinthians 13:4-6
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Ephesians 4:26
"In your anger do not sin" : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

Ephesians 4:31-32
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and ander, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

James 1:19-20
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

Here's a link to read about domestic violence. http://www.domesticpeace.com/links.html
Please read the power and control wheel, the cycle of violence, why the abused stay, etc.

You, your Son, and your husband are in my prayers! BTW, if he did come from an abusive home, I can recommend a great book to help him.

	Growthtrac Community Forum Index -> Emotional Needs	All times are GMT - 6 Hours
Page 1 of 1