looking for help

wwolvz · Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 7:11 am Post subject: looking for help

Hi. I'm new here and am looking for a place to find help. I am 24 years old and have been married to my husband for 4 years. Our entire relationship has been a struggle. We have sought counsel from many people but we seem to continue in the same vicious cycle. My husband, up until recently, was very verbally abusive. He has finally admitted to this and is working very hard not to be. I am very quiet and closed off from him because I am afraid of being hurt by him. While he is working at not being abusive, there are times when he says things that are still very hurtful. And because of our past together, and my own personal history, I take them much harder than I would have if we didn't have the history we do.

My husband gets very frustrated with me because of my quietness. He takes it personally. We're also under a lot of stress right now in addition to our relationship. My husband is in the Air Force and we've been living in England for the past 3 years. We're getting ready to move back to the States and it's very stressful. Also, just being in England is very stressful for us. We've come to really dislike it here. We feel cut off from friends and family. About a year ago we changed churches because our other church started some new practices that we were uncomfortable with. At the same time, he was deployed to Afghanistan for 6 months. Our new church is okay but we're not being fed the way we would hope to be. We also have no fellowship with people our own age and married.

At this point, I just don't know what to do or where to turn. My husband keeps telling me to get help but I don't know where to get it. We have two months left here. I'm hoping we can just get through them and find a church home and people who can help us once we move. But I don't know how to get through the next two months. I feel completely hopeless. We don't believe in divorce. We actually tore a divorce certificate up at the altar as a testament to that belief. I just don't know what to do to make things right. We have times where we get along really well. During those times we have a lot of fun and truly enjoy being married. But those times are few and far between. I want to get to the point where we have more good times than bad.

I'm sorry this is so long. I shortened it quite a bit believe it or not. Any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Prayer is also greatly appreciated.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2164 Location: Chicago

My prayers are with you and please know that there is hope to be found in our faith. God promises to never leave us or forsake us. So, you are never alone in this journey.

All of the stresses associated with military life seem to be catching up to the both of you. Also, lots and lots of readjustments that add additional stress. Being cutoff from friends and family make it extra hard. Having a support system is so essential to growing your marriage.

With the remaining time in England, joint professional/Christian counseling is a must for both of you. I know the military offers counseling but if you can affford it, seeking outside Christian counseling is really the way to go. For your husband, there needs to be counseling to gain tools as well as an understanding of where the need to verbally abuse comes from. Learning to curb the urge on his own, isn't going to make it go away. When extra stress arises, the words will come flying out of his mouth again.

For yourself, to have someone to talk to, to gain better tools in gaining self-esteem, communicating to your husband and stopping him in his tracks when the abusive words are flying would be helpful in your healing process. I'm sure you may be falling into a cycle where the words come out, he asks for your forgiveness, and you grant it to make the pain of the moment go away. Thing is, the pain is not going away, it's sticking around.

There's an excellent article on the topic of verbal abuse here at Growthtrac http://www.growthtrac.com/discover/cb011/page5.php
which I believe will give you some tremendous insight.

Once you are stateside again, I encourage you to continue with counseling. Marriage definitely can have its difficult times. Finding the help you need through professional Christian counseling is the key. Once you are home, searching for a church home that will provide you both with needed community should be a #1 priority for you. Sometimes it will take checking out several churches before you find one you feel you can call home.

http://www.growthtrac.com/church/looking.php can help you find several churches to visit in the area you move back to here in the States.

Please know there are people here at GT that will continue to pray for you. Please let us know how things are going.

wwolvz · Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 12:33 pm Post subject:

Thank you for your reply. We have agreed that we need counseling. We had been hoping to just get through the next couple of months without it since we'll be moving so far away in such a short amount of time. But it is a priority for once we are stateside. Also, finding a good church is priority. We are both craving good Christian fellowship.

We do have a woman who is stateside that we both email and she gives us counsel separately. We also talk to our friends. These are outlets that help. Today I just hit rock bottom and felt like I needed somewhere else to turn. I read through some of the other posts and was able to relate quite a bit to some of them.

Thank you for your prayers and support. I will definitely keep you updated on our progress.

God bless!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2164 Location: Chicago

Friends can be a wonderful resource but they need to be in solid Christian marriages themselves before then can really give you and your husband wise counsel. Unfortunately, they can also take sides which makes for a sticky friendship at best.

Secondly, of these friends, who is getting in your husband's face and holding him accountable for the words he uses?? If my husband or I saw a friend using words that puts down and degrades their spouse, we would be pulling them aside and letting them know how much this dishonors their spouse and God.

wwolvz · Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2006 6:39 am Post subject:

The woman who counsels us through email is very good at keeping us both accountable. She knows just how to approack my husband to get him to listen and not to bristle at her words. Many times she has been the one to get him to realize what he really said and did. Without her counsel, I think we would be much worse off than we are. She is also very good at encouraging us both.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2164 Location: Chicago

Wonderful, your are blessed to have this woman in your lives. I believe getting back stateside will help you both a great deal.

	Growthtrac Community Forum Index -> Emotional Needs	All times are GMT - 6 Hours
Page 1 of 1