Need some advice...

ClariMari · Newbie Joined: 01 Feb 2006 Posts: 6

Hello all - I am new to this forum, and I need some advice from some “seasoned” married people.
I have been married less than 2 years, and my husband and I have not been getting along lately. I don’t know if there is something I am doing wrong, or if my expectations of him are just way too high. I need some advice from people who have been married longer than I, or at least have a better understand of what marriage is to be.
First, just to give a better understanding of our situation, I will tell you a little about our lifestyles. We are both very active in our church - my husband is a preacher, and I am on both the musicians and praise singers teams. On top of that, we both work full-time jobs during the day and attend school full-time in the evening. We weren’t in school when we got married, we just both decided to go back afterwards. Our hectic schedules, we both feel, are a small price to pay for the ability to
get jobs that make us happy, and financially able to do the things we want. We ride together to work and to school everyday.

The other day my husband and I were talking, and I laughingly mentioned that one of my friend’s told me that the day before she had a really bad day, but when she got home, her husband had all the lights dimmed, had drawn a bath for her, and had candles and music playing, and I think he might have had something for her to eat. Maybe this was the wrong way to go about this, but I mentioned it because my husband has never done anything like this for me. If there are ever candles and soft music, its because I did it. I can remember 2 times when he told me that he thought about surprising me that way, but his plans fell through and he couldn’t. He is not one of those romantic types at all. I guess I should have picked up on that while we were dating, but back then, he did surprise me with cards or flowers every now and then. He doesn’t even do that now. The last time I got flowers was last year on Valentine’s Day. He got me a card for my birthday, but only after I asked him to. Before that, it had been a very long time. So I mention to him that I would just like stuff like that every once in a while. Well, he gets all mad at me over it, saying that he does plenty of things for me, and he asks me if I don’t appreciate it or what. He starts telling me how he cleaned the house for me the other day b/c I had a friend over and couldn’t do it (which he did, and I thanked him many times), and he brought up how I asked him if I could just work 35 hours if we could afford it during my senior year. He then asks me how many more ways I want him to inconvenience himself for me. He tells me that I am selfish like my mom and my grandma was, and only think of myself a lot of
the time. This is probably true, but on the same hand, his parents aren’t very romantic towards each other, but I didn’t bring that up. Maybe I should have. While I can accept that maybe I need to be less selfish sometimes - I do spend the majority of the spending money on stuff I want, those things were really hurtful to me. I don’t even feel like I can express anything like that without it ending up in a blow up fight. I haven’t really spoken to him since then, except when it was necessary. Is it wrong of me to want those sweet, romantic things every now and then?? I must be honest in saying this - sometimes I wish I had never gotten married, and just stayed single my whole life. My husband is my best friend, we do usually get along, and we have a lot of fun together. Our sexual life is fine - I know he is satisfied there most of the time. I know I’m not the perfect wife, but to think that doing romantic things for me is nothing more than an inconvenience and a pain...well..I don’t know, that just bothers me. I told him I appreciate the nice things he does - like helping with the housework, or maybe letting me drop some hours later (we actually got into a big fight about that, too b/c he can’t drop his hours unless he gets a different job, and he felt it was unfair on my part if
I drop my hours when he has to work full-time and go to school like me). Any advice for me?? I feel so lost right now. I am sorry this is so long...

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2163 Location: Chicago

Both of your schedules seem to be absolutely crazy and stressful. When there is so little time to spend together, it probably got to him.

As women, we have a tendency to compare our men to others. It is a really negative thing to do. What we need to concentrate on are the things that our men do well, and you have named several. about your husband. He is a good man, hard worker, wanting to improve your financial situation, cleans the house, etc. Our guys have a tendency to need to hear "thank you" from us a lot.

As for the romantic part. Sure, there is nothing wrong in wanting that from your husband. Thing is, some guys just don't have a romantic bone in their body - they're simply not wired that way. Perhaps, you can go back to your husband and let him know you were not intentionally criticizing him, but trying to let him know that these things are important to you and would make you feel cherished.

On your date nights, plan one for him and ask him to plan the next one for you as a surprise. It is important to plan something that appeals to your spouse and not yourself.

There is a great book called the Five Love Languages that I highly recommend. It could be that you're simply not speaking each other's Love Language. Sometimes we have a tendency to speak the language that appeals to us and we understand because of our comfort level, then wecan't understand why our spouse isn't responding. Well, it's not their Love Language, it's ours.

And, consider going to a romantic marriage seminar which will help you build on your romance/communication skills. There are several to consider at: http://www.growthtrac.com/events/
Growthtrac can do a conference at your church/community with topics such as, "Recharging Your Romance Batteries" and "The Forgotten Intimacy".

webacus · Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 12:47 pm Post subject:

Hi ClariMari, welcome.

As a guy-husband, I think I can relate.

A guy may think he's meeting expectations if he's
a hard worker, provides for & protects his family, does his
chores, and doesn't mess around.

So, through a man's eyes, everything should fall into
place if he "provides".

For years, that was my mentality.

Most guys don't get that they need to be intentional
about romance. And before romance comes serving--
doing things for your wife without being asked (and not
expecting a "thank you").

"Hey, I cleaned the house... what more do you want?"

If a guy wants a great marriage (and a very happy wife) he
needs to go beyond the traditional protector-provider-hunter-gatherer
role and tune-in to his wife's needs.

--Learn and apply her Love Languages
--Be romantically pro-active
--Serve Her
--Listen to Her

What your husband may need is an 'example'.
Are you in a couples small group?
Is he in a men's group?

And SAM is right-- your busy schedules are taking a toll.

ClariMari · Newbie Joined: 01 Feb 2006 Posts: 6

Thank you for the advice. Both of your comments are very beneficial. I am going to try to sit down with my husband and just explain to him that I really need him to at least try to do those things every now and then.

Webacus, he is not in any men's groups, and I don't know of any couples' small groups in our area. I do think that would probably be a great thing for us because we really didn't have much pre-marriage counselling, and the little we did have did not address any of these issues. It basically dealt with our compatibility. Anyway, I don't think either one of really know how to be a good husband/wife. I don't think either of us fully understand what the other needs. The only book on marriage we have ever read is "The Act of Marriage", which we read before we got married. I think a lot of times we are so busy, we don't realize that anything is missing until we hear about someone else's marriage, then, usually I am the one to feel less than content. Then, when I try to tell him what I'm missing, we usually end up fighting about it, and then dropping it.

I am going to look up those marriage seminars - maybe one will be in our area soon. Or maybe on our anniversary there will be one going on that we can go away to. I'm just not sure how to ask him to go to one with me without making him think I'm being critical, or making him think that I think our marriage is unstable.

ClariMari · Newbie Joined: 01 Feb 2006 Posts: 6

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2163 Location: Chicago

A date night needs to be precious each week and a priority. It means being intentional about putting it on the calendar and not letting anything
(even phone calls from friends or family) change your plans. It shows that you are a priority above all else to each other.

Going out to eat or to a movie is a date - but just the two of you by yourselves - no tag alongs Smile

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