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LaRon'sWifeDani
Newbie
Joined: 22 Dec 2005
Posts: 9
Location: Florida
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 Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 12:58 pm Post subject: Update on Marriage falling apart... |
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Hi everyone,
I put my husband in jail for something he did on Wednesday as I updated before. He got out over the weekend and has come back home. I put a restraining order against him, but I can't find it in my heart to let this relationship go despite what everyone says to me about leaving him alone right now. I feel so bad doing that. I want him to get help and he has agreed to any and all counseling that we can get (Christian counseling). Everyone has gotten involved in helping me get away from him and I go right back to him. I don't feel that our relationship will ever be successful. Is that possible? Should I just let it go? I want it to work out and I am willing to tough it out. I have a feeling I have messed it up with everyone I know, so I'm scared to turn to them for help. I want to turn to you instead b/c everyone here is less judgmental than who I know. I guess we should go to the counselors and see what happens from there, but until then, everyone is telling me how upset they are with me and I'm feeling bad for even trying to get away. It makes me not want to do it again...
This is what I'm confused about basically:
1. Will counseling actually help in this case where there has been abuse?
2. Even if everyone is upset and I feel that I should stay with my husband, should I stay or listen to everyone else who is telling me to get out? I'm not worried about my immediate safety, but if I stay, I know I will lose the closeness with my friends.
3. Do we need to seek individual or couple's counseling?
4. Is there any hope in this now that we have messed things up? |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2161
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 1:28 pm Post subject: |
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In previous posts you have told us you have felt unsafe. You have also mentioned it in this post and you have also mentioned you had your husband put in jail and obtained a restraining order.
He has physcially, mentally and verbally abused you. I would say that is reason ask him to leave your home, or for you leave. If you need to call the police to remove him, do so. If you need to find a woman's shelter, please do so. This is for your safety and the safety of any children you may have.
My guess is he is agreeing to all of this now. The question is, will he continue for the long term? I am not advocating divorcing your husband.
What I do suggest, is remove yourself from the turmoil, both emotionally and physically. Set up a detailed separation agreement, legally if you need to, to protect your assets and yourself/children financially.
From, there start your counseling and see how it progresses and give it a solid 6 months to 1 year. From there you will have an opportunity to truly see how committed your husband is to changing his behavior.
There comes a time when friends and family may have had enough. What this means is they can no longer listen to your cries for help, or listen to your complaints, anguish, etc. because you are not willing to separate from a man that is harming you.
Separation is needed. Counseling is needed. Healing is needed. Once that can be accomplished with a level of trust and security, then perhaps it may be time to return to him.
Individual counseling is necessary for each of you, as well as couples counseling.
1) Help for you to understand why this treatment is acceptable to you and how you can build your self-esteem.
2) Help for your husband to understand what is behind his anger and resentment.
3) Help to set goals/boundaries/timelines for counseling and separation
as a married couple. The counselor can help you establish this. |
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LaRon'sWifeDani
Newbie
Joined: 22 Dec 2005
Posts: 9
Location: Florida
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| Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 1:35 pm Post subject: |
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| SAM you are always so helpful. Yes, I hear you about the friends and family and understand why they are acting the way they are. I never thought they would be happy with me for what I'm doing. I want to work out a separation plan but can that include us seeing each other sometimes for dating? I don't think that would be a problem. I also have to share the van with him. We only have that one car and we both need it so to separate means either one of us gets the van or we have to share it with a high degree of uncertainty.... If I have to share the van with him, I will be unable to finish school this year which is negative for my job... I guess I may have to do it though because I don't think I can do school and share the van.. Well, we'll see how it goes. I will try to do separation and call the counselor I know... Does anyone know how much counseling costs? Is it similar to the price of a doctor? If so, I probably can't afford it. What should I do in that case? If the price is prohibitive to get counseling.... |
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webacus
Veteran
Joined: 02 Mar 2001
Posts: 613
Location: Behind you.
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| Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Dani
Sometimes it helps to review progress. Have you
looked at your previous posts? A few weeks ago you said: | Quote: |
I left my husband on Friday and he followed me and wouldn't leave. He harassed the people there until I went with him, so I did. Next week, my mom will come back into town and I have decided to take some time as a separation, then after our anniversary in May, see if he has made any progress. The rules will be that we are to both seek counseling around our marriage and we may even go together. Then at the end of this time, hopefully, we will both be better off and so will our marriage. I'm glad everyone here has helped me out with advice and things. |
There is a pattern, do you see it?
Your husband abuses you; you react; his behavior changes; he abuses again...
A few weeks ago you wanted to separate. What changed?
1. Will counseling actually help in this case where there has been abuse?
Don't know. It depends on your husband.
2. Even if everyone is upset and I feel that I should stay with my husband,
should I stay or listen to everyone else who is telling me to get out? I'm not worried
about my immediate safety, but if I stay, I know I will lose the closeness with my friends.
Often 'friends' are quick to play the divorce card. You need to evaluate
the quality of the advice you are receiving. Who is giving the advice?
How well do you know them? Do you respect their relationships and values?
Then consider the advice you're getting from other sources.
What are counselors telling you? Parents? What are you hearing
from us, here in the forums?
Certainly, your marriage takes priority over friend's friendships.
But if you are getting the same message from trusted sources,
you should carefully consider that advice.
3. Do we need to seek individual or couple's counseling?
Probably both. I suggest you seek counseling for yourself
right away.
4. Is there any hope in this now that we have messed things up?
Don't know. But I see either of two scenarios:
You will stay with him and the cycle of abuse will continue eventually
injuring or killing you. Or...
With a lot of work and time-- and if your husband wants to change--
the marriage gets back on track.
Again, there is a cycle here that keeps repeating itself.
Your husband enjoys hurting and controlling you.
And you allow him to do it, giving him second chances
and blaming yourself.
Your husband said he will kill you?
Isn't that a strong enough message? |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2161
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 1:52 pm Post subject: |
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Let the counselor know your financial circumstances. Many counselors will charge on a sliding scale and your ability to pay. If that is not possible, consider meeting with your pastor or an elder of your church who has received training in the area of domestic violence.
Many people donate cars through their churches. Or, someone from your church may have one they can loan you. This organization has many resources for women who are walking your path - http://focusministries1.org/
As for dating again - those boundaries need to be established with your counselor and whether or not you will decide to be physically intimate during this process. Do not decide this on your own, but with the counslor's assistance.
Counseling in some form is a must. Pray that God will provide a way financially for this and that He will also provide your needed transportation. |
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webacus
Veteran
Joined: 02 Mar 2001
Posts: 613
Location: Behind you.
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