Please someone help me. I'm falling apart right now!

LaRon'sWifeDani · Newbie Joined: 22 Dec 2005 Posts: 9 Location: Florida

Hi everyone,

I'm a 21 year old woman. I got married to my high school sweetheart this year in May. At the time we had both recovered from a break from the Lord and I thought we were planning to spend the rest of our lives together following the Lord. I was pregnant at the time that we got married. Maybe it was not the right decision to get married, but after reading some of your posts, I'm glad that divorce is not an option for me. I love this man pretty much unconditionally and he really hurts me a lot but I want to work it out. I don't want to give up. However, I lost my baby and then lost another one on Halloween (yet another reason for me to dislike this horrible day Exclamation

But, now it seems that his anger is taking over him and I have to walk on eggshells to avoid his anger. He is very verbally abusive and I find myself contemplating cheating on him and emotionally trying to separate from him. It's hard to do that because I am so close to him as a friend and as a husband. But, the things that he says to me cut like a knife, then when someone else gets involved, I end up looking crazy because he acts normal in front of them. More recently, it seems that he has decided that he doesn't want to go to church with me anymore and to me as baby Christians, that's not the best option. At first I tried to get him to go, but that ended up with one of his angry outbursts and him actually kicking down the church door, so I have stopped trying to make him, but it's hurting me so badly to leave him at home while I go to church. It's hurting me so bad that he refuses to seek counseling and fix our relationship. I admit that I do things wrong, but I'm not sure what they are.

I was shocked and appalled to find something in a men's magazine about marriage saying that we should think of ourselves first and whatever you want to do, do that... It seems that everything in the world is pulling us in the wrong directions. I want some good Christian advice and it seems that you all have that here. I cry every day and it's getting so tiring. I'm not sure what to do here. I think I'm in over my head. Some of you that are older than me will probably know that I am married at a young age, but it's what I wanted in life, to be a wife. This is my sole desire - To be a wife and mother. The other things I have, while very successful, do not bring me fulfillment like being pregnant and seeing my husband smile at me and rub my belly. U know? It's all I want and it seems that I am failing so miserably. It's a shock to me because everything in my life has come so easily for me. It seems that this, the one thing I want in this world is failing.

My mother and father advised me against marriage and I don't agree with them. I did what I had to do for myself as we were living together without being married. I had to do the right thing. I wasn't going to leave him, so I got married instead. It's better than living in sin, like my mother is doing now. I'm sorry this is so long, but I have nowhere else to go because I don't have many friends and none of my family members are on my side or talking to me right now. Please, can anyone help me?

webacus · Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 2:48 pm Post subject:

Dani, welcome. I'm sorry these circumstances brought you here.

First, the principal (and most dangerous) issue I see here is
that you are in an abusive situation. Yes, verbal abuse is abuse.

And it's clear he can be physically abusive as well.

I admire your desire to be a good wife & mother and to stay
married to this man. But God does not expect you to subject
yourself to verbal and (potentially) physical harm. And abuse
is reason to divorce this man.

You need to protect yourself.

Is there any place you can go? Friend? Co-worker? Pastor? Family?

You can work out a plan later.

Please write back.

In the meantime, read these:

http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=835
http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=681
http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/topics/39.php

LaRon'sWifeDani · Newbie Joined: 22 Dec 2005 Posts: 9 Location: Florida

Webacus,

Yes, I can leave. I don't know if I should though. I didn't know you should leave for that. Maybe he will change, but then again, I think I'm fooling myself saying that. I want us to be successful and I don't want to fail. I agreed with him not to get a divorce, so I feel like I must stay with him. I don't think it's the right option. Something inside me is saying that I should stay. Why do I love this man so much? Why do I see him as a great man even though I am hurt so much. Thank you for your caring words. I must leave work now, but I will talk again tomorrow.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2162 Location: Chicago

I married at the age of 19 and it was not an easy road the first 10 years of my marriage. So, hopefully I can shed some light.

1) The anger you describe in your husband scares me - kicking down a door? Verbal abuse? What you are telling us is the signs of someone who does not love you but wants to control and scare you and possibly physically hurt you. I believe he should leave your home or you need to leave. Please understand this does not mean divorce - it means getting help for both of you. There is an ugly underlying issue taking place and quite honestly I am very scared for you. Being young, married, having the stress of miscarriages, etc. can create some of these issues. They cannot be swept under the rug with the hopes that all things will eventually be OK.
2) Make an appointment to meet with your pastor. Find another Christian with wisdom you can to talk to about this. Hopefully, your pastor is someone you can both trust and your husband would be willing to talk with him.
3) Christian counseling is going to be essential for a period of no less than 6 months before your husband should be allowed back into your home or before you would return to him.
4) Until you can get on solid footing as a couple and with your relationship with Christ, wait to have a baby. As much as you would love one, this is not what you need right now.

LaRon'sWifeDani · Newbie Joined: 22 Dec 2005 Posts: 9 Location: Florida

So maybe a separation where he would have to get some help during? I don't want to get a divorce, I just feel myself not loving him anymore because of the way I am being treated. The anger is overwhelming to me and I can't take it. I love him so much and it will be hard to be away from him. But, I suppose that's what I will have to do. He refuses to talk to the pastor, so I'm not sure if the separation will lead to reconciliation or if it will just lead to a divorce. I don't believe that without me there he will seek any help for himself. What can I do then? If he doesn't get help without me, do we have to get a divorce? That thought just scares me. I do not want to be a divorcee and I do not want to say I failed at this.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2162 Location: Chicago

Do not think about divorce - that is not what is being said here.

1) Protect yourself from harm - physical/verbal abuse

2) Seek counseling for yourself, if your husband will not go

3) Pray for God's guidance and trust in Him - He will work this out

4) Ask a third party to mediate (pastor) and set out very specific guidelines and timeframes for what a separation may look like, including the requirement that your husband seek counseling for anger management/abuse. Do not return to your home, or allow him to come back home without a minimum period of time established for seeking help - usually a period of no less than 3 months and preferably 6 months.

5) Watch the condition of his heart - is he willing to seek counseling, is he willing to work on the marriage, is he repentant for his behavior, will he attend church with you, does he want God to be first in his life?

6) Your husband needs to seek the help, he needs to be willing, he needs to make the changes, he needs to do this himself - without your help. If he does not, then you know exactly where he stands.

6) Give this process time, do not make rash decisions about your marriage, but do everything you need to to stop the cycle of abuse before it escalates.

LaRon'sWifeDani · Newbie Joined: 22 Dec 2005 Posts: 9 Location: Florida

Update on this is this: I left my husband on Friday and he followed me and wouldn't leave. He harrassed the people there until I went with him, so I did. Next week, my mom will come back into town and I have decided to take some time as a separation, then after our anniversary in May, see if he has made any progress. The rules will be that we are to both seek counseling around our marriage and we may even go together. Then at the end of this time, hopefully, we will both be better off and so will our marriage. I'm glad everyone here has helped me out with advice and things.

Also, I have a question. He is very persistent about us staying together while we go through counseling. Would this mess up his recovery from the abusive life he has led thus far? If we stay together, would that hurt anything (other than me). He does not think I should leave right now.

I'm having second thoughts about it. Any ideas on this?

webacus · Posted: Tue Dec 27, 2005 11:45 am Post subject:

Hi There

You are brave for taking that first step.

I'm sure you're learning it will take toughness to make
a separation work. i.e. He will do his best to convince you
to come home.

A few things to keep in mind...
Abusers like to isolate their victims. That means keeping
you from family, friends, and your support system.
Abusers are controlling people.

LaRon'sWifeDani · Newbie Joined: 22 Dec 2005 Posts: 9 Location: Florida

Thank you webacus for that reply. I will definitely want to move out when my mom comes back into town. I don't want to do it, but I have to admit that I felt very good on Friday moving out. I suppose the details of our separation could be worked out with the counselors we select.

Do people who are separated still see each other, do they still date? Is it like you don't see your spouse anymore or is it like you just don't live together? I am confused as to what this actually means and I want to get it right because I want our marriage to work... so desparately.

webacus · Posted: Tue Dec 27, 2005 1:11 pm Post subject:

I applaud your desire to make this marriage work.

I've heard therapists refer to Structured Separation. The idea is you both define “rules” for your time apart.
I am not a fan of separation; often it is just practice for divorce. Of course in cases of violence or abuse,
plan or no plan — you should to get away quickly. But if separation is to be effective, rules need to be established.

For starters, I suggest a structured, written covenant answering the questions below:

Then, before a separation ends, you should negotiate an agreement for when you
move back together that describes acceptable and unacceptable
behavior. As Dr. Harley describes it, "Never do anything without an
enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse"
in his Policy of Joint Agreement.

Does that help?

LaRon'sWifeDani · Newbie Joined: 22 Dec 2005 Posts: 9 Location: Florida

Oh, webacus. Yes, it helps immensely. It is set by us how we want to do it, how we feel it would best serve our marriage. I don't agree with separation either, like you said, but in this case, I think it is necessary (but still painful). I will set up the plan with my husband and try to get our separation started. I will not give up on this marriage unless I feel it is God's plan for me to do so. I have been told that if I get out of His way, God can change my husband and me. I believe sincerely that this is His chance to do that for us. If this is what God is saying to do for me and my husband, I will do it. I want him to get a relationship with God, not for my sake, but because he truly loves God. I want us to be happy together... Maybe for our anniversary in May, I will be able to report to all of you how much things have changed and how I will be moving back in with my husband. This is an exciting time for me although I am very sad to have to take such extreme measures. Though, having a plan will make me feel more comfortable and more like we are still together as opposed to us being separate and almost divorcing. Webacus, thank you so much for responding to this and taking time out to give me advice. I needed someone to help me by giving me some practical advice that still comes from God's word. I think you have done that. Thank you again! If anyone else has comments about this, please feel free. I would value all input on this subject. My marriage is very important to me and I will fix it at almost any cost. I will read books, pray, fast, make sacrifices. Anything necessary. I want it to work and I can only pray that my husband does too! I think he does. I feel it in my spirit that he does want to change, just cannot with me in the way of him doing that.

Thanks again! I will stay on this board to discuss progress and to read other posts that may pertain to my issues. Maybe even have an encouraging word for someone else when I get out of this low place. Thank you everyone!

dmkmbp · Newbie Joined: 02 Nov 2005 Posts: 3

I have just read your post...I don't agree with the advise that you have been given. I was married for 20 years the first time. I had an affair, and ended my marriage. I have been remarried for 3 years now. It has taken a lot of hard work to keep it going. It has never been a matter of us loving each other, just a lot of baggage to deal with, but the hard work is worth it.

I know what verbal abuse is...but I feel as long as you feel physically safe, I don't think a seperation is in your best interst. I feel like it is a quick fix, that may end up being permanant!

Your husbands anger is coming from somewhere...you need to find out where, and what he is angry about. IF he won't go to counceling at church, the maybe your pastor can recommend someone outside of church that will give you Godly advise. Please understand that I am not saying if you fear for your saftey, that you should stay. I have no idea how severe the verbal abuse is. You have to deciede for yourself. Sometimes, even against advise, you need to follow your gut feelings, as long as they are well thought through, and not just with your heart.

I have a lot more to say, but I will wait to see if you want any more advise from me.

Just to let you know...I am 48 years old, and I have four children, 23, 18, 13, and 11!!

marzettejohnson · Posted: Wed Jan 04, 2006 4:24 pm Post subject:

I think the advise you have been given is sound. You cannot work on anything if you are harmed in anyway. Only you know the severity of your situation. If you feel for your physical safety, you need to protect yourself. You can work on your marriage from separate locations.

I do agree that your husband's anger is coming from somewhere, and he does need help. Make sure you continously pray for your husband, and pray that he will ask for help. Also, make sure you seek God before making any kind of decision or make any kind of move.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

LaRon'sWifeDani · Newbie Joined: 22 Dec 2005 Posts: 9 Location: Florida

Yes, I would like to hear all the advise everyone has for me. Please continue.

There has been an update however. He is physically abusive sometimes and it gets worse and worse. He said yesterday he was going to kill me. He grabbed me so I sent him to jail. I'm tired of this and I can't take it anymore. This seems to be my only option though it is hurting me deeply.

marzettejohnson · Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 5:05 pm Post subject:

I've never been through this situation, but I can only imagine what you are going through. I can tell you that God loves you and He WILL protect you. When you get time, read Psalms 91. Continue to seek God on every move you make. I will keep you in my prayers.

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